A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a younger sister whom I am generally very close with. However, she has a habit of having these mood changes which really upset me.What happens is that I will ask her not to do something, like eat food I am saving for a party, and she will say 'too bad' and do exactly as she wants. When this happens, she goes from being sweet and thoughtful to rude and very aggressive. She will insult me with hurtful things, or swear at me. Strangely enough, she also thinks we are 'close' so why she treats me like this I have no idea. She does not treat her friends like this.Because I live with her, and will be for some time, I need a way to deal with this. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Sensible Alice +, writes (5 March 2014):
 She treats you like this because she's your sister and she knows she can! I think one of the shames of growing up is we lose the capacity to deal with things as innocently as we did as kids. If she had done this ten years ago you may have retaliated by pulling her hair and giving her a pummelling. But you're an adult now - and apart from the fact we can't do that as adults - she would probably kick your butt. So, what to do about it? She obviously doesn't take any notice of anything you say and does it regardless, so all I can suggest is maybe if you cook something nice put some aside for her so she can happily eat it without touching whatever you intend to keep for yourself or for a party. If it has to do with chores that you need her to do, ask nicely a few times (but don't nag) and if she still won't do it, either leave it for her to get round to or to save stress and keep the peace you might have to do it yourself. Will you two still have issues? Yes of course you will. Will she still be, moody, rude and aggressive? Yes, she undoubtedly will, but maybe making yourself scarce at those times may help you cope with it. Like someone so sagely said, "You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family."
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (5 March 2014):
 Just for a bit of playful justice, you could place a bait of beautifully iced red velvet cupcakes out for your sister, laced with hot spicy Tabasco sauce in every bite :) In the mixture and the icing.
If she’s predictable as you say, this should pay her to ask first and not do exactly as she wants!?
Cheers – CAA
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 March 2014):
 Well mood swings are not passive aggressive, neither is saying "too bad" and doing something after you have asked her not to....
I see no indication of passive aggressive behavior at all.
I'm not saying she's not being mean... just that she's NOT meeting the criteria for PA...
are her mood swings frequent? is she in treatment to determine if she has a mental illness (rapid mood swings are NOT indicative of bipolar disorder as those swings are more subtle. RAPID mood swings are often a sign of ADHD to be honest.
IF you have to live with her and she is rude and difficult and steals your things... well here's where you have to make changes:
1. put your food in YOUR room in a locked container. GET yourself a fridge for your room that you can lock. PUT a lock on your bedroom door and keep it locked.
2. when she gets rude say "we are done till you are over your mood" and walk to your room and shut and lock the door. do not reward her bad behavior. ignore it. ONLY reward her when she is well behaved.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2014): Sanctions. Simple, stop asking her not to do something and just make sure she can't do the things you don't want her to.
Don't want her eating your party food? Wait until the day of the party before you get it, stockpile cash instead.
She doesn't contribute to the toilet roll fund or uses all yours? Keep it in your room.
Oh and get a lock for the door to your room.
The biggest one though is not letting her borrow anything. Nothing, not money, not clothes, not make up, your straightener, nothing at all and if she throws a hissy fit always go back to the point of you not being able to trust her with your stuff because when you ask her not to do something with them she throws it in your face.
My sisters had a similar thing going on, granted they were teenagers and teenage girls always fight anyway but one of them is by far the strongest willed member of our family and always fought to get her own way. There was no way the younger one could compete in those terms so I told her to have a clear punishments for that kind of infraction. She borrowed a hair brush without asking and now she can't find it to do her hair? Hide it, lock it away and if she ever asks for it refuse and give clear reasons. The hassle of knowing if she was stuck the other sister wouldn't help her out was enough for her to realise she has to be more considerate or she won't get any consideration back and she quickly learned (after a lot of tantrums) that sister would reward her for being considerate and punish her for not.
Consequences OP, they create a nice incentive for people to be nice as long as it's not done in a bitter way or out of spite.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 March 2014):
 You say you live WITH her - does it means you SHARE a house 50/50 or do you LIVE at HER place - her HER at your place?
Sit her down. Talk to her. Set some ground rules you BOTH can agree on.
If you have paid for the food for a party she NEEDS to stay out of it. If she can't talk to you like a normal person, she needs to be quiet.
Do you pull rank on her? (I'n older so what I say goes?) If you do you might want to stop that.
Simple talk to her. And tell her if something is bothering her for her to TALK to you not get mad.
You two are sister, so there is a DIFFERENT dynamic between sisters/siblings and friends.
If talking to her in a adult way doesn't work, I'd simple walk away while she is throwing a tantrum. And use the ignore "button" when she is being a brat. She WANTS to get a reaction out of you. Don't give her one.
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