A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HalloI am quite average looking. Plain really.Never dated. Tried a few times, but not very successful.Never thought I would get a very attractive partner in life, but that was ok, as long as he was a good friend.Then I met this guy at a friend's house party a few years ago. I saw him immediately when I got to the party, surrounded by girls, because he was very attractive. Eye-catching really.We were introduced and I said hi, and moved on. Eventually found myself outside sitting alone (as is the norms at these things)He came outside for a smoke break, saw me and started chatting as if we were old friends. He took interest in my work (I do research as a skin biologist in a laboratorium-think glasses and white coat), and as I got up to leave, asked me for my phone number.Why? I asked. So I could ring you up for a date of course, he said.(Now a million things went through my mind, not the least being that he was having a laugh at my expense, he wanted to see if he could make ugly girls drool after him as well... Whatever)I said no.He asked why.I said that I couldnt possibly date someone who smokes and left. (Which was just an excuse to get away, knowing this offends most smokers)Well 3 weeks later he rang me (got phone number from guy who held party) Said he hadnt smoked in all that time, so are we on a date or what...And there it began. I was so thrown with his no smoking thing, that we went to dinner. And kept on going to places and seeing each other.I went along with this, because he is a fascinating man, and so stunning. It is hard not to look at him.Women stare at him openly. And then glare at me.I kept wondering what it was he saw in me... But by now I started to love him.When we were intimate the first time, he was surprisingly clumsy, but it was ok. With practise it got better!So he wasn't as practised as one would expect from a guy who looks like that.But it was a struggle for me, the way I looked. Difficult to lie in bed next to someone all muscles and six pack and I have a spare tire. (I am about a stone overweight) It was like some dream come true, but i kept thinking this was all going to be pulled out from under me.Then he asked me to marry him and I said yes. This was 4 years ago.He is a great husband, but I am finding the looks thing increasingly overwhelming!The more i care for him, the more I am worried that his looks will ulimately take him away from me...Women literally throw themselves at him. Even when I am there, they dismiss me.I have even had a guy come on to me, not because of my looks, but because "if such a goodlooking guy married me, I must be out of this world in bed!" The bloody nerve.I have tried losing the weight, but never manage...I have talked to my husband about this, but he thinks I am silly.HE says he likes to be married to some more clever than him, not some bimbo floozy)When he sees a goodlooking woman, he would look at her, and sometimes comment on how great that dress looks on her. When he looks at me and sees my face at that comment, he would quickly check himself and say, but you would look great in that too honey! (As bloody if....)So he is not unaware of other women.He works as a consultant going to peoples houses with plans and proposals.HE is quite often alone with a woman in her house and it drives me nuts.I have no suspicion that he is cheating on me, but it would be so easy for him, he wouldnt even have to try very hard.HE sometimes rings me saying: I am going to be late hun, have to see mrs smith at her home, no her husband is not there, no she is 22 and an aerobics instructor, who wants to do an extension to add a home gym, see you later.(ok I exagerate a little, but you get the picture)I think of him with this woman obsessively until he gets home, wondering if they are having sex.I am getting progressively more paranoid. Checking his clothes for long hair and lipstick when he gets home.Going through his text messages on his mobile phone when he is in the shower.I lie awake next to him at night and wonder how lond do I have left in his life before these other women will win and take him from me.He is a great guy and our life has been good, but I can help but wish I had never met him... If I had married some nice average guy, this would never have been an issue!What can I do to just get some peace of mind?It is eating me alive, and as I hit 40, I will not get any better looking myself...
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female
reader, resplendentwings  +, writes (15 April 2009):
Hi there, I know this almost a year old. But, I read your post and could relate. I hope you've learned to just appreciate life and your husband and quite thinking you're not good enough for him. PLEASE, update us on what has been happening in your life. Are you still married? And you never told us if you had any children?
A
female
reader, dixiedebs  +, writes (29 September 2008):
Hi there,
I know it's been a while since you actually posted your problem but i've just seen it right now and couldn't help but write back. I am 32 years old and when I was 14 I have met the love of my life who was pretty much a head turner as your husband, I too got the looks from other women - the 'what the hell does he see in her' looks and I too sometimes felt I wasn't good enough for him. I was head over heals in love with this guy and he was with me. At one point I left him because I thought someone else could surely make him happier than I could, i was a plain woman, I came from a strict family and wasn't allowed out much, I was also gaining weight and I was terrified when we were starting to get intimate because I would rather leave than end up dissappointing him.
Well I made the worst mistake of my life, I left the man I loved deeply. To cut a long story short he got married and I started university. I didn't date for about 7 years because I was still in love with him. Eventually I met a man I thought was right for me and got married too. My ex had a kid and so did I. His marriage ended a couple of years ago and last year so did mine. We met by chance last year and after about 12 years of silence between us we started talking again. We are now friends because we are not in a position to be in a relationship even if we wanted one given both our marriages are still 'legally' binding.
I just don't know whether he would want to be in a relationship with me ever again but I have become overweight and even have a lower self esteem, when it comes to my body, then I had then. However he's all I think about, I love him to bits, I never stopped loving him and I live my life looking back to the life we had and cursing the day I ruined everything both for me and him. We could have had the best of lives together, we were in love, he could have had anyone and he wanted me, just me, and my thinking I wasn't good enough ruined both our lives.
So please please don't go ruin it, you'll regret it deeply and the guilt will never let you go. He loves you, he appreciates you for who you are and don't go thinking that he likes you cause some people like people who aren't good looking... that's bull... for him you are good looking. Feel good that you have a man that everyone wants but who only wants YOU. He wouldn't tell you where he's going if he had anything to hide.
My ex has this thing about being open with me even now about how women want to go out with him all the time and how he has to keep telling them that he's not interested in having a relationship. I guess it makes him feel good to be wanted, I mean, who wouldn't feel good, however he is sincerely not interested even now that his marriage is over.
A couple of weeks ago he told me something that I usually say... he told me that we led a really simple life back when we dated, we did nothing special really but it was the best time of our lives. I couldn't believe he actually said that, I couldn't believe that I gave him up to supposedly have a better life and not only did he not have a better one, neither did I.
So girl... just love him. You've got what all women want - a man who loves you not because he can't have any other woman but because he can and chooses not to, because he loves you.
You take care and may whatever God you believe in, bless your marriage.
Debs
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (9 July 2008):
 I know where you are coming from here, been there done it, bought the t shirt. Trouble is, the longer it goes on, the worse your self asteem will be. I dated a traditionally good looking guy, and got all the same problems you've had. Women that flirt wih them right under your nose. Things like that actually make the matter worse.
I got out of that relationship, and wont ever date a traditionally good looking guy again. But mainy thats because i didn't actually fancy him, the chemistry just wasn't there like it has been before with other guys, and its a relief i'm no longer with him to be honest. For a brief period it was quite cool to have a bit of arm candy, but his personality didn't match up to his looks. He spent a lot of time pretending he didn't think he was all that, yet walked round with a permanant smirk on his face and an ego the size of Australia. He fancied himself more than any female ever could. And without sexual chemistry, we were onto a loser.
So i cant even advise you what to do to up your self asteem. Your guy does actually sound nice, and i wouldn't mind betting he adores you, and actually isn't into all these blonde bimbos that dont have a lot between the ears. Afterall, ive just ben saying i like guys that wouldn't be classed as gorgeous by other women (always preferred Grant Mitchell to Steve Owen myself!) and whats to say your guy isn't the same? The guy i loved the most and had the best sexual chemistry ever with, was chubby and shaved his head with a bic razor every weekend. Fancied the pants off him i did!
C xxxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): Lady, unfortunately you are crazy. You are driving yourself mad with this thing for no reason at all. You have a big problem with insecurity. What makes you think that guys only like absolutely beautiful girls, they also like kind women, funny women, women with large sexy bodies, women with great personalities. He married you, he loves you. The only person who will ruin this relationship is you. Please read carefully what the other aunts and uncles have said, they have given you some very good advice. Your gonna drive this man away if you continue like this. Your paranoid behaviour must be driving him up the wall. Leave him for a nice average guy, if your so shallow and looks mean so much to you. I would however suggest you go and see a counsellor and tackle the issue of your low self-esteem and your lack of confidence.
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (9 July 2008):
 He really does sounds dreamy, make ME wish I was married to him ... and I'm Heterosexual!
I think that the only thing you're doing right now is ruining the present which will maybe result at no future at all with him.
Why is it that when we live happiness, our mind destroy it with negative thoughts and when we don't have happiness, we spend all of our energy searching for it.
Those are happy moments you're having right now! Enjoy them, it may not last for ever!
He's beautiful, he's dreamy and he's yours until one of you decide otherwise. Enjoy it!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (9 July 2008):
 Hi,
well the first thing you need to do is stop feeling sorry for yourself. I dont mean to be rude, but somebody needs to give you a good wake up call me dear.
You have a husband that is in love with you for who you are.He is right, these bimbos who hit on him are just that bimbos with empty minds who provide nothing but vacuous empty headed conversation. And let me tell you from experience, bimbos are the worst in bed. They are so wrapped up in their beauty they only care about themselves .
So your husband was delighted when he met a smart woman who could provide him with love and a long term commitment.
But you seem intent on throwing it all away.! Are you absolutely nuts?
Get a grip for crying out loud, you are invading his privacy and disrespecting him by checking his message and running through his clothes. How dare you!
Count your blessings that you have a gorgeous hunk of a man who wants you for who you are and not some bimbo with no brains.But if you carry on like you are eventually he will get sick of it and move, wouldnt you if your partner had no respect for you?
Count today as day 1 of your new relationship with your loving husband, or continue to disrepect him and drive him away. It's an easy choice dont you think?
And for god's sake, stop feeling sorry for yourself!
wake up and smell the roses mate!
good luck.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (9 July 2008):
 Hi there...
You really need to address your issues because you will eventually drive him away. If you believe you are not good looking enough for him, thus he deserves a better looking women, your actions will also say this (feeling bad because he looks at other woman, being jealous of nothing, checking his phone, etc). All men look at other women, the cute ones and the ugly ones... it is just human nature... I am sure you look at other men too! Eventually YOU will make him believe he needs to be with someone else because you are not worth enough.
The truth is he chose YOU. If he wanted to be with a skinny, "beautiful" woman (as you say), he would have. He was not obligated to date you or to marry you... he choose you! It's been a couple of years, more than a lot of marriages last. It seems to be a pretty good relationship. You state you are not skinny, so what!? If you dress appropriately and act as if you are the queen of the world, you will be. It's just an attitude thing.
If he, eventually, decides to leave... then so be it. But don't be suffering an affair that has not happened... stop believing he wants to be with someone else when all his actions say he wants to be with you... stop driving him away!! A little reading or some professional help might help if you need it.
Best of lucks!
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