A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello My husband an I are middle aged, he is in his early 60s and still works full time in a factory. Conditions are not good there but he wants to stay there until retirement.We have been on vacations to Cuba but I don't really enjoy it there mainly because I get bit a lot and I mean a lot by those mosquitos even if I use repellant.I wont deny I whine and moan about everything and always look forward to coming home.Husband absolutely loves it there, snorkelling , water sports, laying in the sun, the whole experience of being in an all inclusive resort.So after the last experience which was 3 years ago I said I will not be coming anymore and then I said if you want to go, you go on your own .Did not dream for a moment he would decide to go without me and that's what has happened the last 2 years, he has gone twice now without me with a older male friend.He says he does not enjoy being away from me and feels hes only enjoying himself 50%.I said well im sorry I just don't feel its right for me to go somewhere and be miserable.Now he is going again next week again with the friend. This time to Mexico. He has said it does not feel right that his wife is not with him on his first trip to Mexico but he says he understands.I feel terrible and absolutely hate it when he goes away. even if it is for just a week.I hardly eat, cry a lot, I have no family close by but I prefer to be alone when I feel like this.I miss him terribly and the whole week is spent worrying as he is not a young man, thoughts go in my head of something happening to him.I become ill with anxiety which is not good for me also as I am not young.So I do resent him for going away and leaving me in this mess but in the same breath I am mature enough to realise he does need this escape and to disconnect in a place he loves.I just can't cope with the situation as I really do not enjoy going.Any advice on how you would deal with this type of situation.Thanks in advance. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 April 2016):
 Is it really so uncommon ? debatable, OP. I guess it depends from ages and locations and cultures and other factors - for your 3 married friends that do not take separate vacations, I can quote you at least six of mine who do. My parents had a very long and happy marriage, yet travelled separately on various occasions. My sister and her husband too. And anyway, in most families where the spouses both work full time- often they do not have any other choice than taking separate vacations , because not always the vacation period each one is allowed will coincide.
Anyway, it's not US that you have to convince that married people either travel together or stay home together ; it's your husband. I wonder if you will succeed, because as you said in your previous posts, the issue has been amply debated before,causing many arguments... and the end result is , that your husband is nonetheless snorkeling in Mexico with his friend.
So it sounds smarter having some kind of other solution or compromise or at least copyng mechanism, in case you won't bring him around. Unless you love being miserable ?
Basically you say that if he cared he'd skip his vacation to stay with you ,- and he counters that , if you cared, you'd put up with mosquitoes and flies for just one week. Hard to undermine that, isn't it ?
You could lock horns about that till Doomsday, and still be at a standstill, so perhaps the best , as in any standstill, is to look for a third way. Like, as I have already suggested , choosing a time period and location as mosquito free as possible, researching about the strongest available repellent on the market, and relaxing inside a air-conditioned mosquitp-free museum , architectural complex,tour bus or shopping mall during the hours in which your husband goes snorkeling.
Or else - developing better skills to cope with the absence of a loved one in a less dysfunctional way.
Yes, sure that " different level of tolerance have to be respected ". It's just much harder to respect people who bury their head in the sand , and are content with the tales they keep saying to themselves and strangers too.
This is not simply a matter of opinions, OP. It is not just that some people find harder to cope with stress factors, and have stronger reactions - which is obvious . It's that there 's a limit within which these stronger reactions are still healthy, and beyond which they become pathological and would require a specialized intervention ( Again, unless people WANT to be miserable ). There are OBJECTIVE, measurable levels which show if a person is just in a bad mood, or is having a depressive-anxious episode.
Check on line BDI " Beck's Depression Inventory " to see what I mean. Or HDRS " Hamilton Depression Rating Scale ". Or Zung 's self evaluation anxiety test.
You'd be off the charts on all those, - how "normal " could that be ?
Of course, it is your choice if you want to do something about the discomfort you feel, and take responsibility for your emotional wellbeing rather than delegating it to your husband and making it depend from his choices. And if you choose to not do anything special and carry on like so far, you are free to choose that and we have to respect it. We DO respect it.
But then, I wonder, why even talking about a problem -if we have already decided to not do anything about it ?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2016): I'm not really sure what you're after in terms of an answer. Your latest update makes it sound like ideally you'd like him to be at home with you and never go away for a vacation. You can't control what he does, you can make him miserable though. Having read your earlier posts that when you did go away with him, you complained and moaned throughout the holiday, I'm not sure what the solution is.Can you not compromise and go somewhere that isn't tropical? Can you not visit your family on the same week that he's away? You say that you hate him being away and that you worry and fret about it, but at the same time, you don't want to do anything but sit in the house and fret. You like to be alone, but you want him around!The anxiety is something you need to speak to a doctor about, it's not a normal reaction to sit at home crying and feeling ill simply because your husband has gone away for a week. God forbid something did happen to him either while he's away or even at work, what would you do? Would you spend the rest of your life crying at home and not eating? This is something that you need to seek professional help about.Your other option, to be blunt, is that you suck it up, go on holiday with him and pretend to enjoy yourself. who knows you might not have to pretend. Wouldn't it be better to spend a week with him and risk not enjoying yourself, than spend a week at home, knowing you'll be miserable?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2016): Its true I find it very hard to cope when hes gone.Maybe others cope differently because they have families close by to visit.It doesn't help that I am introverted and I don't like visitors. I prefer to be alone and you don't have to be a depressive to be an introvert.I think I have already said im as lonely as I want to be by choice.Seriously I could call 5 numbers with co workers to meet up if I wish.I speak to close friends overseas ( 3 of them ) that I have been close friends with for years.They all have said that their husbands would NEVER go on a vacation without them . This doesn't mean they are joined at the hip.They all have their hobbies and things that they do separately . But they all have stressed that even if they or their husbands had bad experiences visiting the tropics they would definitely not go away without the other.And they are not being biased because I am their friend.This is not common .. Even my husband says he rarely if ever sees somebody alone on these vacations, it was his point he raised as if it was wrong that I didn't come.I think he feels the odd one out even if his friend is with him.Its all couples and families so given this it obviously is rare for a spouse to vacate without their loved one.Anyway to be honest I am fed up with the situation , call me selfish whatever.But I don't want a husband that takes off on vacation to the Caribbean on his own even if I selfishly and self centredly refuse to go.This is my second marriage and I know for sure this would have never happened in my first marriage.Time will tell but I am fed up of the stress and anguish of this situation.Also he doesn't have to go for 3 weeks back to his country, he could easily go for 2. He has no family there just friends.Also when I go home which I try to do yearly, I was there last Easter I go for 3 weeks and fly the 7 plus hours ALONE and husband does find it hard.I notice when I come back he has lost weight and he also admits that he hasn't been coping as well as he should have or could have.But overall I am not happy with this kind of thing ongoing whether its a week or 2 days.Different people have different tolerance levels, what one person can cope with another one can't and that should be respected.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 April 2016):
 It sounds to me like you need to spend more time apart, really. You become this anxious and nervous and have all these feelings just because he goes away on vacation. It's not how it should be. You should be happy to not have to go, and he is able to enjoy himself and you are able to enjoy yourself, and when he comes home you would be able to share pictures and stories of each of your holidays.
This panic when he leaves can only come from you either having a diagnosis of anxiety, or that you are too used to having him around! If you got more accustomed to the idea of him going without you, it wouldn't be such a dread each year and such a torture.
I remember when I lived with a boyfriend for the first time, we were together 7 days a week for several months at a time. Then one week, we had to stay apart. One week only! And I was like you, in tears the entire time, had a horrible time with it, was nervous and anxious and the lot. It was terrible! But it was also nonsense.
He is a grown man. He can take care of himself on vacation, and if something bad was to happen to him then it would happen whether you are there with him or not. And that's the truth. You going with makes no difference on his health or the conditions where he is going or whatever accidents may happen. So you being nervous and anxious and having a terrible time is just nonsense.
You should start spending more time apart. Do separate things. Find your own things that are just for you, and that you enjoy just as much as he enjoys his vacations on sunny resorts. Then do that amazing thing while he is away. And repeat it at least 4 times a year. So every three months, spent a week apart. Or, every other month spend the weekend apart. You need to practice this.
I don't want to compare humans with dogs, but we do work the same way. When you get a puppy you can't just leave it home alone from day one and expect it to be fine. It will react just as you do when your husband leaves. It gets anxiety and gets nervous and has a terrible time. It needs to get used to being alone at home. You can't just be home with a dog all year and then ONE week a year you disappear, the dog would not be okay with that at all. Same with humans. Your husband can't just leave you alone like this once a year and expect you to be fine, and I am sure he's suffering from the same problem since he's also not used to being without you.
You guys need to practice this!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 April 2016):
Maybe your husband is enjoying his vacation only at 50% because you did not join him, then again he'd be enjoying it at 50% even if you were there. Because , unless you have totally changed tastes and personality since your last post of May 2015, you'd still be moaning and whining all the time about everything, of which he was fed up. ( " Fed up " are the words you, not I , chose to describe the situation).
I think your husband is a wise man. I think he understood that this is not a perfect world so if he cannot have his perfect , 100% enjoyable vacation ,in a mosquito free tropical country with a happy,non- moaning wife, he is still more than ready and willing to enjoy and appreciate something that's 75% good, or 50% good , or even 25 % good.
You should follow his example. There are 52 weeks in the year, and in ONE, or three , you are deprived of his company, while for the remaining 48/51 you have by your side a husband whom you are so deeply attached to, and who , on turn, after 11 years of marriage, does not see a wifeless vacation as a well deserved break, but as an unpleasant necessity.
You should if you could, i.e. if you still had some control over emotions as opposed to being totally overwhelmed by them, by I don't think you can atm.
Why are you dismissing and minimizing what's going on ??
what you report does not sound at all like " just missing somebody ", it sounds like the description of a serious depressive episode. Naturally, we can't diagnose you because we do not have the expertise- but by the same token, you can't just sweep it under the rug and diagnose yopurself an " oh it's nothing ".
You need to see your doctor.
You have severe symptoms - you cry, don't eat, don't sleep etc.- that's not just " missing somebody " !. You have 3 children in a foreign country, whom you only see every couple of years, and I bet that, like any mother , you miss them sorely. Do you spend two years in a row crying all day, skipping meals, etc. ?... I bet ( and I hope ! ) you don't.
So, something is not right. And your doctor will have a name and a cure for it.
Same as if, say, you were coughing, and sneezing, and shivering with fever .... it might be pneumonia,... or it may be just a banal cold ,... but something, it must be !
Because healthy people do not cough or sneeze or shiver.
P.S. A little suggestion for next year :
it may be all a matter of changing the vacation time.
Mexico is not that bad mosquito-wise , in the right months. I went to Mexico several times, and never had a mosquito problem, there were from zero to very few, and this also on the " Maya Coast " which is very lush, and full of ponds and streams . BUT I always went in January or February.
Only once in May and then yes, there were more mosquitoes then( still very manageable IMO but of course that's a matter of personal level of tolerance ).
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 April 2016):
 OP, assuming that’s your followup, I still say to you: SEE YOUR DOCTOR. You are talking about anxiety, depression, crying, inability to eat, becoming ill with anxiety, irrational worrying, can’t cope and panic attacks.You don’t have to live like that. You don’t! Ask for the help you need!Your husband’s absence for a week or even 3 shouldn’t send you into an emotional tailspin.You already know what will happen, you’ve gone through it several times, and you are resisting a common sense solution to the problem. Why?
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (5 April 2016):
 Your 2 choices are to go or to be left behind. It seems you need to decide which decision will make you happiest and then go with it. You don't want to go with him and yet you worry about him and will be anxious the whole time he is gone. So why put yourself through so much worry when you can just go with him? So you'll be a little uncomfortable. Which is more uncomfortable?? Being alone and worrying..or being with him and having to deal with bugs? If it was me, I'd go with my husband. When we were dating, I wouldn't see him sometimes for 3 months at a time because of his work commitments and he would have to fly to other parts of the world (a doctor) for conferences. You need to find things to occupy yourself if you really won't go with him. I'm not trying to sound uncaring but a week is not that big of a deal. I'd STILL go with him..but that's me. And Tisha is spot on, if you are having these feelings of being anxious and worried so badly why not seek some professional help? Perhaps your body needs something? I hope you figure it out hun. Its a shame to be so unhappy about something that shouldn't be causing this much anxiety.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 April 2016):
I found this one too: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-has-gone-for-a-hoilday-and.htmlYou said you were suffering from anxiety attacks AND depression in that post. You definitely need to speak with your physician. This is something that can be dealt with properly with medical help.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 April 2016):
Thank you for the followup.
Well, then spend this week learning on how to avoid mosquitos, learning how to maintain calm in the face of adversity while traveling, so that next year you CAN go.
That mosquito thing, I’ve been attractive to them since I was a child. I think some people just are mosquito bait. I started a new thing a few years ago, based on a woman your age’s advice. She takes vitamin B-1 (it’s water soluble, good news) and they began avoiding her. I started too and I do feel there is a difference. My husband even joked that they were now targeting him instead of their usual meal, me!
As for learning how not to complain, well, do you really want to learn, or do you on some fundamental level enjoy complaining?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 April 2016):
 I agree with Tisha.
Spend the week doing things your husband may not like to participate in but that YOU do. Like go get pampered with a
pedicure or spa day.
Get things done you have wanted to do for a while but have procrastinated with, like paint the kitchen/bathroom, redecorate the den or bedroom.
Have a night out with girl friends.
Spend an evening in with a glass of good wine and a book, with NO interruptions! Heaven!!
Volunteering is also a great option.
Make a care package for the kids/grandkids/niece/nephew or an elderly family member.
It's ONLY a week.
It will FLY by.
I have spend months (we are talking 13 months) with my husband gone. Deployed to a war-zone and I found the more BUSY I was, the less time I had to freak out or be scared or lonely.
A week is nothing. Trust me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2016): Thanks for your sound advice.
And yes I forgot that I had written about this before 2 years ago.
The fact is I worry sick when he is away thinking something might happen and I am not there and I also feel very guilty that he doesn't have a fulfilling vacation because his wife is not by his side.
I am lonely by choice, im the introverted type. I do get invitations to co workers events, barbecues and dinner and coffee from time to time but I decline.
I prefer to be alone.
I would not say I am clinically depressed I just miss my husband terribly when he goes and instead of getting used to it ( 3rd time) now he will be gone, its not getting better but worse.
Anyway thanks again for your advice.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 April 2016):
Hi! I found an earlier post you wrote about this situation here http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-it-just-not-right-for-my-husband.html for more background for the aunts.
I would tackle this as an anxiety issue.
Obviously in the couple of years that this has been happening, you haven’t devised a strategy on how to deal with it.
So you can’t go to anyplace with mosquitos, which rules out a great many tropical getaway spots.
Even if you do go, you complain about a lot of things.... so you don’t really want to go.
Which means that it’s best you stay home at times like these.
It does seem a good thing that you aren’t trying to keep your husband from enjoying a tropical vacation, though you do say you resent him for going away and leaving you in this mess.
The mess is your mess, not his, to deal with with. It’s whatever is going on with your anxiety and your self-imposed loneliness.
Why not take the week he’s away to treat yourself to some help for your anxiety and your lack of coping techniques? See your doctor, learn how to meditate, are just 2 steps that would be positive steps forward for you.
Pre-plan meals that can be easily eaten and digested. Perhaps learn a new cooking technique in a class.
If you want to wallow in misery, well, I guess you are free to do so... it’s really your choice, how to seize this time and use it to your advantage.
My husband travels a lot and I keep busy with the gym, friends, painting, catching up on all the things I don’t get to do when he’s home. I certainly don’t cry everyday; what’s the point of that? :)
It does sound like you need help for anxiety and possibly depression. I would see your doctor as a matter of urgency and explain all these feelings and your upset about it. Could it be agoraphobia? Research that for the week he’s gone.
Volunteer at the food bank.
Go down to the animal shelter and help walk dogs. Take pictures of them to help get them adopted.
P.S. There are very excellent mosquito repellents nowadays. I’ve always been one of the ones whom they target and have learned that what I eat and drink can cause me to be more alluring to the little creatures.
It’s only one week. You obviously start worrying about it well before, so you get more misery for longer...
Why are you so down? Go see your doctor, for certain!
Best to you.
...............................
|
