A
female
age
30-35,
*jpb15
writes:Me and my current partner have been together for nearly a year now. i moved from manchester, fifty miles to be with him. we live together, our sex life is great, everything is going smoothly. we've discussed our future, kids, marriage etc. However in february, my mobile broke - so my partner said i could use his to check my social media accounts which i use to contact family. I saw pornography on the browser so i thought id look to see what he was into so maybe we could spice things up or watch something together. Unfortunately i was greeted by a site that wasnt porn, it was a site to message other people for mistresses or to talk to people dominantly. I was obviously hurt by this as our sex life is great and ive always been open to trying anything - so obviously i saw he had messaged people asking them to meet and be his mistress. I confronted him about it and he apologised and promised he wouldnt do it again, he said “I did it because i was aroused and felt like i needed an outlet, it wont happen again i promise you." so we went on, started rebuilding from it. Now were in April, i told one of my friends about what he did and she told him id told her, he kicked off saying how embarrassing it was and how i shouldnt of told her. i explained i needed to vent to someone and he complained how he had spent weeks trying to make it up to me and for me to treat him like a mug was unacceptable, we argued and i agreed i shouldnt have told her, however he has to understand i need someone to talk too as well. he understood and that argument was over. I'm on birth control too, however after missing a due period i tested and it was positive - unfortunately the doctor saw me and said i was miscarrying due to the sudden bleed i had and gave me self care advice. A few days later and my phone is still broke as i havent had funds to repair it, so again i was checking social media and i opened the browser, he had messaged people again, telling them how beautiful they were, how he wanted to be pleased sexually and that he would save funds to meet them. Obviously i know i was wrong here, but i clicked on some of the messages and found hes been messaging people since November, a few months before we got our place together - he tried to deny it saying it was an old account but when confronted with the messages he said he had no reason for it, it was stupid and something he does when he his 'aroused' he has promised me yet again he will not do it, and has tried to make it up to me. I have gave him an ultimatum - if he does it again, that is it - i am done and when people ask why we broke up i will tell them the truth. He promised he would never do it again as he doesnt want to lose me, he just feels like he needs an escape sometimes. (bearing in mind, im fine with him going to the pub on a Saturday or hanging with friends whenever he wants) im not a controlling person at all. However i cant seem to get this niggling feeling out of my mind, i feel betrayed and like i am not enough for him. I was wondering if anyone has any advice as to if im truly being an idiot giving him a final chance, or if im over-reacting? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as i really dont know how to handle this. Thanks in advance x
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broke up, mistress, period, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (7 April 2016):
 How many chances are you planning on giving him ? He's already said he won't do it anymore and you've caught him at it again. You must of heard the saying 'a leopard never changes it's spots'? I think it applies here and I don't think he's going to drop this habit if he feels like he needs this 'outlet'.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): Stop thinking that because you are happy he is. Stop sharing intimacies outside of the relationship. Be more honest, don't say you are open to anything when clearly you are not open to his interest.
Other than that I have no problem with the rest of the advice you have been given. Why should you stay with someone who is not the person you want to be with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): Everyone gets aroused however most people in a relationship turn to their partner, porn, fantasy or use self restraint they don't go to a phone and sign up to a site where they can talk to real people and ask them to be their "bit on the side".
His excuses are absurd. If he needs an outlet or an escape why not take up a hobby or go to the gym? To be honest you're both still in the honeymoon period of your relationship when people barely notice the existence of anyone else. Think how he might be several years down the line when the frisson has worn off and you potentially have a demanding child to see to. How likely is he to need an escape then?
He's even suggesting saving money to spend on these women! Money which he should be saving towards your life together.
I am much older then you and have several friends stuck with straying husbands. There's no joy in it and constant worry. Their husbands have stopped trying to make it up to them. Why? Because their wives put up with it. You are young and without a mortgage and children to tie you to this man so I urge you to think carefully about how much you are willing to put up with and how long for.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 April 2016):
 You're not an idiot (your friend is, however...).
But you still need to draw the line somewhere. He's not faithful to you (yes, going online messaging people for sex IS cheating). This is hard to repair, and it appears the cheating hasn't stopped? Or did I read this wrong? He's been messaging people again since last time he was caught? Then it shows he doesn't have any intention of quitting. He just regrets he got caught. And he is quite stupid as well if he cheats online and then doesn't clear his history when he KNOWS you use his phone to go online!
Really, honey, what do you want out of this relationship with him, and can you actually have what you want with this man? Or is it all just dreams?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): He promised you before he wouldn't do it again...
Move out and get yourself tested for STD's, you can't trust him and he's proved to you twice now that he isn't bf material. Surely you realise you deserve better than this and no partner should be to check up on the person who claims to love them.
The way out of this is through the door.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): His behavior is super risky.You can't be sure that he's not cheating. I am not talking about emotional pain, but serious health risks.He's a liar and a manipulator. How can you be sure that he's cheating "responsibly" (using a condom)?There are some diseases that can be transmitted during sex even if the condom is used for penetration (foreplay, oral sex...).Whatever you decide, get tested for everything (including different type of Hepatitis, HPV...).Some people are irresponsible and egotistic.I do not want to comment on your friend talking behind your back with your bf. It's not a friend.You've changed your life to be with him; I hope that you've created new contacts and that you are not alone completely dependent on him (emotionally and financially).
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A
female
reader, wrathykins +, writes (5 April 2016):
 If he does it again? Of course he will! How many chances are you going to give this idiot?
Watching porn is one thing, but messaging other women and telling them they're beautiful and that he wants to meet them? No. He does NOT respect you, and he obviously intends to cheat on you at some point, if he hasn't already.
I can understand how tough it's going to be to break up, as you will have to find another place to live, but it'll be worth it when you find someone that respects you, loves you, and makes you happier than ever. You deserve so much better.
Good luck, love
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): You're still very young. You can do a lot better than this if you give yourself a chance. If you choose to stay with this lying cheat all you'll get is a whole lot more of the same. It's highly unlikely he's going to change.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 April 2016):
 An escape from what? A girlfriend he’s been with for a year? Omg, the horror! It’s too much, he can’t cope he needs an ESCAPE!
I completely agree with Honeypie’s advice and would suggest you get an STD panel as part of the miscarriage aftercare.
You do need a better set of supporters than the girlfriend who tattles and the boyfriend who does odd things when he feels aroused and trapped.
I would start planning for the worst, even if you are hoping for a better outcome, if I were you. Where would you go, where would you live, how do you extract your finances from his? Work this all out in advance so that when he’s caught yet again, you don’t have to feel quite as helpless as this post suggests you do.
:) Good luck, be brave!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 April 2016):
 You ALREADY gave him a second chance and yes, I DO think you are being an idiot for giving him YET another.
(sorry) but you asked.
He didn't change after the LAST episode, and when you discussed it with a friend he tried his BEST to make you feel AWFUL for venting.. (and by the way, what kind of friend goes behind YOUR back to the BF and tells him this stuff? *hint* NOT a good friend!)
And the fact that he did this BEFORE you two moved in together, means he will KEEP doing it. He is TOTALLY OK with HIS actions, he just tells you what you seem to want to hear and then does as he pleases.
Who is making whom a mug? (he is making YOU a mug) for believing his lies. And I think YOU choose to believe his trite because you don't want to deal with having to find a place, move out and be single. It seems like a LOT to deal with... Instead you got PREGNANT with this skeevey guy.
Have you been tested for STD's? Just because you don't KNOW if he has been sleeping with other people or don't "think" he has.... doesn't mean he hasn't.
After all he is "advertising" online for sexual encounters.
Honey, I'm going to be super blunt.
This is NOT about YOU not being good enough. This is about him NOT respecting YOU, his partner. Probably why he was single in the first place....
Since HE doesn't respect you much, how about YOU start to have some self-respect and stop sticking you head in the sand?
A GF/FIANCE/WIFE should NOT have to go through their partners phone to "monitor" or "control" their partner's actions. You can't change this guy. You can't make him into the guy you WANT him to be.
FIND a place to live. (room-mate situation, back home or whatever you can afford) and pack your stuff, move out while he is gone and BE done with this dude.
Then go get a STD panel done.
And if you need a phone go get a cheap disposable one.
Stop wasting your life on this loser.
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