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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My husband is a wonderful man but he is a control freak sometimes. When he is, it's harmless, but super annoying. FYI we don't have kids. For example: He's the chef in the family. He's very particular and likes following recipes. He'll go out to buy any "missing" ingredient rather than improvising. If he's making Italian pasta that day, he'll get annoyed if I bring out the few Chinese dumplings we had leftover from the evening before ("that's a weird combination" he says). I'll tell him to stop being dramatic. When we order out, he likes letting me order first so we don't order anything too similar. This one's harmless I suppose. When eat eat family style with family or friends, he likes putting food on my plate so I can try everything. But it doesn't seem like a sweet gesture, rather he's annoyed that I only eat the ONE dish I like. Which I think is perfectly fine and doesn't affect others. With others, I usually tell him straight up "thank you, but I'll serve myself" but before going to his parents i like to remind him that if he keeps piling food on my plate I'm not going to eat it and it looks like i hate his mom's food (I have thick skin, he doesnt). On days he works late, he'll give me instructions on what to do for dinner. He used to repeat himself and then CALL me when i'm home to make sure i'm doing it like he said. I told him to say it once and to not follow up. He's accepted that and stopped. He loves cooking and I don't, but occasionally I'll want to make something. One time, i came home first and cooked halfway and he started taking over when he got home. I told him to quit meddling. He pouted/giggled and walked away. Another time, he tried telling me what to make (in great detail) and i said "I'll make what i want, if you want to cook, come home earlier." I wouldn't have minded because like i said i don't like cooking lol.When cleaning, he likes to watch and tell me HOW to clean. I told him i will clean MY way and the result is the same, if not cleaner. Those are some example off the top of my head (i know they're mostly food-related, he just LOVES food). I want note that he is never rude! He is nice, every time, but annoying. He even giggles because he knows he's guilty of being controlling. But seriously, it drives me nuts. Does anyone have advice on how to "combat" a control freak husband? I think I'm doing a pretty good job. My responses and straightforward and polite. I am a bit worried it will get out of control in the future though (we are newlyweds). Thoughts? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 March 2019):
 My advice: buy noice cancelling headphones and ignore him. Once he learns you will not fred his irrational ideas, he will quit. But you have to be consistent. Also, you have to accept that he will never stop completely. You might calm it down in some areas, only for it to emerge somewhere else. Accept that this is part of his personality and its mostly unintentional. But dont «feed the beast» buy indulging.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2019): Thank you everyone for your responses. It's super helpful to hear from those who have had similar experiences and to hear the other side as well. :) I only brought two pieces of dumplings out, I thought we'd finish them or they'd get thrown away. But I agree that i could have just let his comment slide, no biggie. As for trying each dish on the table, it's almost always eating at a restaurant with friends. They love spicy food (Sichuan chinese cuisine... very spicy) and I kind of eat around that since I can't tolerate spicy food well. I don't mind at all but find it annoying that my husband likes to put one of everything on my plate. I literally can't eat it. But again, i agree i can react better or not at all. For MIL's cooking, I always try what I can but she is very traditional (southeast asian). There is a lot of spices, mints, and raw fermented shrimp... I try but there are some foods i would rather not tolerate. I grew up eating plain, simple foods and still prefer them. I wish my husband could be more considerate of that. I prefer he not put food on my plate because it draws attention to what i'm not eating rather than what i'm eating, but oh well. I guess I left out some details! Anyway, I'm so glad you guys reminded me that i can only control my own reaction and it's only as serious as i let it be. I will work on being less uptight! I usually let him do ALL the cooking so both parties are happy, unless he's going to be late, but I think i'll let him cook even if he's going to be late now too! I think he prefers it, anyway. I've discovered that we are pretty good at me doing ingredient prep and he does the actual cooking. He's learning not to tell me EXACTLY what shape/size everything needs to be. lol. Thank you again!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (22 March 2019):
 If you feel the need to "combat" your spouse, then breaking up before children is a great idea.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 March 2019):
 Living with someone ( from your mom to a college roommate to your beloved spouse etc. ) is never devoid of ( hopefully minor ) annoyances, and it is an exercise in patience and mutual tolerance. For both.
I'll play the devil's advocate and I'll suggest that he might find you slightly annoying. Lovable, but annoying. He sounds a bit of a perfectionist and , as such, be sure that he will be very irritated , even if he does not make a song and a dance about it, by your " slapdashness " ( Is it a real word ?). Yes, home- cooked Italian pasta and Chinese leftovers IS a weird and awkward combination. It's two things that would require different beverages to go with, different side dishes , different bread and condiments… He is not making drama ( unless he is pulling his hair and stomping his feet while yelling " Ahhh ! La mia pasta ! MAMMA MIA ! " ) , he is just trying to put together a good enough meal , one which would not consist , basically, in just quieting hunger pangs by anything vaguely edible you find at hand.
Ditto for his attempt to " direct " your cooking effort. I feel your pain :) Being directed while you work - is only OK if you are an actor , otherwise it is very annoying. BUT, again, I'd bet that he is secretly annoyed too. He cares about food and does the cooking most of the times ; probably he'll think that, for that once in a blue moon that you do cook_, might as well doing it RIGHT . If you have to do it in the " whatever " way , ( of the person who does not like to cook , does not do it often, and does not particularly care about what she eats )....then he'd rather you save yourself the effort and let him take over. And your not realizing that, probably annoys him quite a bit .
I won't go on with other examples, but basically this
" there are always two sides to a story " thing applies to anything you have mentioned in your post. Is your husband controlling ? in a way, yes, a bit- let's say he is set in his ways , he likes things done in a certain way. But- guess what ?- you do too ! , just like him.
- Why shouldn't he order all different things from yours at the restaurant ? How can this bother or hurt you ??
- Why , for once, can you not taste a nibble of ALL the dishes that your hosts or MIL have graciously prepared , so that you can offer them your comments and compliments, rather than sticking with the ONE thing you like best ?
I hope it's clear that I am not having a rant at you, just stressing how every coin has always two faces , and every time we assume that X thing " should " be this way or R thing " should " happen this other way- you can bet you will always be in the vicinity of someone who finds YOUR way imperfect - and annoying- and will have as valid arguments to defend his position as you have.
So… relax, and pick your battles wisely. While it is important knowing where you draw the line and set your boundaries in a relationship - it's also important NOT to sweat the small stuff. Some times he will annoy you , and some times you will annoy him. As long as you handle it with mutual politeness , and a bit of humour , as you are already doing , that's ok- nobody is perfect .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2019):
 My husband was VERY similar (except for the cooking, he never did much of that, still don't).
He liked to tell me how to do things, like cleaning and I would hand him, the broom, vacuum, duster, whatever and just walk away. Leaving him to finish the task. Which I KNOW was his intention, but ... I have TOLD him MULTIPLE times that IF I have questions when trying something new (like the ride on lawn mover lol) I WILL ASK. BUT that I don't need his input for simple things SUCH as cleaning. If he FEELS like I'm NOT doing the job well enough, that he should FEEL free to do it better or just do it himself.
He does like to "suggest" how I cook things too, but given the fact that I have COOKED almost DAILY for 30 years and he has cooked MAYBE 3 times a year, I think he needs to shut his pie-hole on those "suggestions".
So my advice, DO NOT take it personal. If he wants to "help improve" - let him take over or tell him to shut up.
You mentioned that he was cooking some Italian pasta and you wanted to add some Chinese dumplings.. SO YOU do it too. It's NOT just him. You both like to meddle with each other.
When he TRIES to give you instruction for what to do with dinner, SHUT him down - tell him:" I GOT this". If it's over the phone, cut the conversation short. And do your thing.
You husband is a guy. So he will do this "guy thing" which is FIXING things (regardless of they are broken or not). While it CAN be annoying (for sure) it's NOT done out of malice or because he thinks you are incompetent. He actually THINKS he is being "helpful".
Learn when to NIP his "fixing thing" in the bud and when to just let it go.
If you cook together (and he has more experience cooking) BE his "little helper, do the cutting, washing, whatnot OR just pour a glass of wine/soda/water and WATCH him cook.
He does know that you find it annoying but HE can't quite help himself.
As a OCD person... I can relate. My husband can't fold fitted sheets to save his life so he thinks "I'll just bundle them up, problem solved!" IT DRIVES me nuts. But I let him do it (and just refold them later). Same with towels, with putting the chairs down, putting new bags in the trash can etc. I could GO ON AND ON, but... I also know that HE and I operate a little differently. Some things I AM better at, simply because I have done it for so long. Other things HE is better at, either for the same reason or because he uses a different approach. Either way... Live and let live, pick your battles.
WE ALL do things that ANNOY our partners.
Try add humor to it. And remember you might not be able to "change" how he does things or LIKE to do things, but you CAN change how YOU react to it. YOU take it personal. It isn't personal.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 March 2019):
 I think calling your husband a "control freak" over minor "annoying" little quirks he has is a bit harsh. Trust me, a real control freak is SERIOUS. Your husband's behaviour, on the other hand, is "annoying" (your word). The best bit is that he KNOWS he is being annoying but seems unable to stop himself.
You seem to be doing a pretty good job handling him. In your shoes I would not take him too seriously or make too big a deal of his little quirks. Just keep slapping him down, or ignore him if you can. My other half is very similar and I have learned (over many years) to either ignore him, tell him to p**s off or to ask him if he wants to do the task in hand himself.
Your husband's behaviour is only as serious as you allow it to be. You can't control him but you CAN control how you react. Don't make a bigger thing out of it than it needs to be if the rest of your relationship is good.
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