A
female
age
36-40,
*oll19
writes:I'm in distress thinking about an ex who passed away many years ago I'm in a relationship at the moment I do love him but it feels in a different way to cut a long story short although they wernt always happy between my ex and me I see are memories in Technicolor especially the good ones and I want to feel that in love again a few things would have to change with me and my current boyfriend for me to feel like that about him what should I fo
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 March 2019):
 Don't compare. It really isn't fair.
Make NEW memories with your new partner. Things you didn't do with your ex, placed you haven't been etc.
New relationship and new partner is a NEW adventure. It shouldn't be a continuum of the past one. It's a different path all together.
Build on the GOOD in your partner and the GOOD that HE brings out in you.
Your Bf is NEVER going to be your deceased ex, it's unrealistic to think he should.
You are NEVER going to be the same either, after your loss. Hopefully, however, you can move forward to being the BEST version you can be.
We humans have a tendency to "mostly" remember the GOOD things and leave the "bad ones", and that is OK. But if you put your ex on a pedestal to "worship" you set yourself up with a "fantasy standard" that NO MAN can really achieve. (not even your ex).
You have to LIVE in the here and now, not the past. BE thankful you had a good relationship with your ex, good memories and experiences because it will have taught you what you LIKE in a partner.
Can it be that this NEW partner isn't the right one for you? Sure, but it might also be that this "fantasy standard" you have set in your head is making it impossible for you to BOND with him on a deeper level.
Understand that HE is a different man.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 March 2019):
 Given your age, you must have been quite young when you and your ex were together. I am guessing teens or early 20s? Perhaps he was even your first (serious) boyfriend?
Your feelings at that time will have been very naive and "juvenile" compared to what you will feel today. At that age we don't understand the true meaning of love, just attraction and connection and, frequently, lust. We are not mature enough to see the whole picture when it comes to a relationship. I speak from experience in that my first boyfriend was someone I absolutely adored and obsessed about at the time. If I had met him 20 years later, I would still have admired certain things about him but there is no way I would have been foolish enough to have a relationship with him, as I would have known a lot more about what is needed for a relationship to work and seen that he and I would never work long term.
In addition, when people we love die, we tend to put them on a pedestal and only remember the good things. You admit in your post to being guilty of this. It somehow feels "disloyal" to remember anything bad so be block out those things and concentrate on what was good. If we were more realistic, we would admit that it was not ALL good and that, had we stayed together, things may not have worked out.
If this boyfriend is not what you want, then you need to draw a line under the relationship and free both of you to find a better match for each of you. You both deserve better. Do not, however, try to find a clone of your ex because everyone is individual, everyone brings different things to a relationship. It is not fair to expect someone to change to fit in with what you want. Instead, look for someone who already has the traits you seek but, equally, be realistic and be prepared to compromise on things which are not critical to you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (23 March 2019):
 You need to stop comparing this relationship with the other. It will never be the same. You are not the same person. Stop thinking of the past and live in the moment. You wouldn't want to be compared to a previous partner, so respect your current boyfriend, and enjoy him for who he is.
Take care xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2019): It's a process, and you have to separate your individual relationships; don't compare them. You have to remember that when we make romantic-connections with new people; the relationship isn't just about you or me. The other people coming into our lives are taking just as much risk; and they are attempting to build enough trust in us to allow themselves to love us. Live in the present.
My 28-year relationship ended when my partner died of cancer. This relationship started as pen-pals when we were kids. Then we became closer, and things became romantic. It's a long story; but upon my partner's death, I realized I hadn't dated much before. During a year of grieving I was celibate, and didn't even date. I was asked out, went out, and basically just socialized. No romance came of it; but I have developed life-long friendships with good people. What I did learn on my journey was not to try and repeat my former life. It has now changed. I'm in-love with a new person, nothing like my previous partner.
You can't walk into a relationship with your rules and regulations of what you're not going to put-up with anymore; and how your new guy is going to differ from the other. He has a free-will, he is a grown-man, and he does not have to conform to your expectations. If he doesn't meet your standards and criteria; then don't commit to a relationship and waste his time...or yours!
Get to know him well before you decide to be official. Know that your heart is in it! In all fairness, he deserves that.
I think he has something to say about what he wants to contribute to the relationship; and what he wants out of it too. He has to be evaluated, judged, and loved; based on his own character and best traits. Not as he compares with other men in your life. Each contributed what essentially was part of whom he is. Each man is unique according to his own faults, values, and qualities. Some ways or features may be the same, but others may differ greatly. Some qualities may be better than you've ever previously experienced. That is, if given a chance to reveal and demonstrate them.
He's not your ex's replacement. He is not filling a position to see who can best make you feel like your ex did. He is bringing to the table all the benefits of his own good-character, decency as a human being, and trying to be the guy who wants to trust and love you. According to his own feelings, and not what you want to mold him into.
In any romantic-relationship; there are two sets of personal-needs. There are two personalities, and there are traits and characteristics that should compliment and/or be compatible between the two people involved. It makes for a better match, and increases the probability of success. Compatibility assures durability. Durability is necessary for endurance and flexibility. Altogether, they create trust. The vital nutrient that nurtures love.
It is not his job to "make" you love him. It's not your job to seek those traits that reawaken your memories of your ex. You're starting from a clean slate. This is the mindset you need to have; or your relationship will frustrate both of you.
Oh, you're correct that a few things have to change; but it's not up to you to change him. He has to (already) be what you're looking for in a man. He has to fit the bill without requiring your renovations, enhancements, makeover, or repairs. He didn't sign-up for this relationship to see how he measures-up to your ex; or to waste his time trying to prove why you should love him. His responsibility is to demonstrate how much he cares for you, will respect you, and will support you. In his own way! He should expect you to reciprocate those feelings.
He's a whole new flavor, girlfriend!
Go-in level-headed, open-minded, and allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to be receptive of what "he" has to offer. Your needs and ways have changed with time. In some ways you have matured and evolved. You're not exactly the same woman you were; say even five years ago. You've overcome a few challenges; and you've made some changes and upgrades.
Hopefully, you've grown in some ways; that even your ex may not have adapted to all of your changes. Your ex probably wouldn't recognize you from the person you were; and who you've become at the present. Whether he would like it or not. Sometimes, we don't even see our own changes; and have to be reminded by other people.
Your ex is not in this relationship. It is between you and the new-guy. Leave your ex out of it. You are free, and you've had years to accept the passing of your ex. This advice comes from experience and it's from the heart.
Not to put it harshly, but bury your ex. Let him rest in peace. You are still among the living; and you should not be shackled to your memories, or restricted by your past.
Start your new love with a free and open-heart. Let him in! Don't let old memories, or the past, hinder your progress. This is a new chapter in your life. I've been there and done that. Move forward, and don't look back. All you need from the past is to recall the things you've learned that will make your relationship a success.
God bless you, and your new relationship.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 March 2019):
 No relationships are the same. I’m sorry for your loss, but new relationships won’t compare. No new relationship compares to a long, mostly happy one because it’s still new. Every new relationship is a new “flower”, so don’t compare it to other flowers. It grows and develops differently. If things weren’t almost always happy with your ex, then you shouldn’t want a repeat of that anyway. Get some counselling if you can’t move on from it on your own.
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