A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m struggling to get through life without always being hurt or angry. I have no real friends that care. I have friends that use me when I have money and when they have money, they invite others and meet in secret to teach me a lesson. I recently decided to use little money I had to get out, put diesel in, made effort to go see friends that had been asking me to come out , do I reached in my small budget,. I was told to meet 4 friends, so I made my way only to find them leaving. They all had to go. So I jus greeted them and let them leave. Feeling like a fool for turning up for no reason. In other words to annoy me that I’m not always unavailable at their command, although I agreee to come they gave me a time when they finished. I don’t understand why I was told to come when they jus met rather than the end. So imagining turning up to say bye.Mentally this messed me up as I went into negative thoughts that not one but 4 friends done this. And speaking to them individually just meant they are talking about me together. Anyway I ignored it and moved on, mustering last bit of energy for another friend who I called up:He responded yeah sure, I was happy somebody wants to speak to Me. When I arrived this friend threw up 3 times. I felt like I was talking to a wall. He went to pub before meeting Me so was heavily intoxicated. Although his intelligent, works etc. So I left his, sitting in my car feeling so alone. So many people in the world but no one to talk to. No one actually cares. Unfortunately I can’t get those two events out of my head. I feel inadequate, loser, waste of space. Like no one actually cares, not about my life or problems but jus enough to be normal and not intoxicated. Im struggling in life and my weaknesses are mocked. I know my life will be fine soon, it’s jus this period.Unfortunately I have withdrawn from friends. As you can see from two examples I have become mentally weak. I love the darkness it makes me feel safe and not alone however it’s now becoming unbearable. No exercise, foods hobby, activity will replace human interaction. I get sick and tired of my own brain, my own boring thoughts, same songs, same tv, and now unfortunately the same boring darkness. I thought your 20’s are your best times. Believe me you cannot find a more positive person than me, you cannot be more enthusiastic or determined. I was full of life, but all investments I made in people have let me down. Im the kind of person if I see a stranger in need I will help. Is it because I’m nice? Well no I jus want someone to talk to. Someone to say thanks or feel like I helped. I look for homeless jus to see if I can help or talk. Not because I’m charitable, but because I’m a loner. What is there possibly left that I could do? Due to lack of decent friends I have to go on walks alone, I spent a lot of time on my computer, in my room. I sometimes spend about 15 hours in bed, simply because there is nothing to do. I have designed so many things alone, contributed to ideas and concepts. I would love to share my day with a friend but no one is interested. I envy people who have friends that care, that actually want to know their business. I don’t go on social media, to avoid being depressed although my life isn’t bad in jus fed up of being alone. Yes I could go out and speak to people today, they will all want something from me otherwise I’m useless.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2019): Thank you both for your answers. Those are school friends. And I can confirm it has been like this for two years. Slowly as my life has gotten better financially I have been very social alwaysl. I am happy to collect 5 people for different areas to meet. We shared stories, laughed and had some good times. These were the times I was in control. Until I lost my job. I am still working, but it's just enough to live which is fine by me. But in last 12 months I have realised friends will not return the favour. Sometimes it's hazy and sometimes it is clear as black and white.
I'm one who has been always kind and supportive to friends, I expected the same in terms of meeting up and spending time. What really happened is some friends caught up financially, and moved on with life. I see Them making new friends (no problem). They haven't made any effort with me. Not one has come to my aid. Do they have to? No. But I cannot drive much as I don't have much to spend suddenly.
The sad thing is some have reacted to this by making excuses, some have changed so much they don't even reply to a message. This one particular guy, he would ring me daily, always asking for something. Can you take me here? Can you take me there? This was within last two months. Where I could accommodate I would. I felt sorry he didn't have a job.
He recently found a very good job, when I message him I get a blunt reply the next day. I have tried Many times. Easiest excuses people use is they've are were sleeping whether it's 4pm, 8pm, 12am, 8am.
So I came to dearcupid because I have assessed the situation for nearly a year. No one actually cares unless your blood or in relationship. I know I'm not insane, but I will be when it's like this.
z
So referring back to the story where the guys were leaving ....So this same friend,I told them I won't be able to drop them off. So they thought well that was a waste of time to call him. We have no use. When I arrived I asked one why I was invited and he said I never invited u. Lol this is the same friend I been taking to shopping and giving lifts to appointments in the rain so HE WOULD SAVE taxi money as he didn't work (last 2 months). I know how that feels. The same guy just said to my face: I didn't invite you. Wow: if only I could be like that when in their shoes.
I tried making new friends but it takes time to get to know each other. And sometimes it's risky I spend a little money to meet friends and what if I don't meet anyone.
This is proof materialism can't buy happiness. I don't have money and that's not the problem. I can make money . But I can't make friends.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2019): I am so sorry that you are feeling so let down. You are not worthless, useless, inadequate, or anything of the sort. You deserve to be happy and healthy and treated respectfully just like everyone else.
First, I think you should see a doctor and make sure you do not have depression at this time. Your statement about staying in bed for 15 hours at a time and sitting alone in the dark make me think this diagnosis may be a possibility in your case. If you do find out you are clinically depressed, make sure to get help and/or medication for it. If this is something affecting you then it will definitely need to be dealt with before you will be successful in making new friends or reconnecting with old ones.
You may also benefit from seeking a therapist to talk to about your insecurities, and why you came to be in this state. They can give you perspective on the two scenarios you mentioned where your friends let you down. You can look into places like churches & universities that may have low or no cost options also for you if money is an issue.
After you are cleared medically & psychologically, I think you could try a few things to put yourself out there.
Why do you feel you have no friends, and that no one cares? Is there anyone you have met in the past at school, or in your family that you can talk or spend some time with? You said that your friends were trying to get you to go out with them, and when you called another he was happy to meet you. It is possible that your perspective on what happened is a bit skewed, and maybe these friends you think let you down, really did not intend this and could be given another chance.
Volunteering to help less fortunate people can always be a boost to a low self esteem. You can see that others have their own (and maybe very similar) struggles just like you, and that you are not alone. You will also see people trying to, and succeeding in, overcome adversities of their own and who could be an inspiration to you.
Can you spend some time with some seniors in a nursing home, or would you consider joining a group that helps mentor children, like "Big Brothers Big Sisters" that we have here in the US? I imagine there is something like that in the UK too? Maybe you would be fulfilled helping disabled or injured people at a hospital or other facility?
You can find so many worthwhile opportunities to reach out and help, and by doing so you will meet amazing and good-hearted people to make friends with.
Do you attend a church? Sometimes this is a place in the community where people can feel accepted and loved. Try a few out if you do not have a specific service or place of worship that you like, and see if any make you feel welcome and calm.
The main thing is to work on doing things to boost your self esteem, and to remind yourself that you are worthy of respect and love. That most importantly includes respect and love from the guy you see every day in the mirror!
I wish the best for you.
R
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2019): God bless you, sweetheart! It may be of no solace or comfort to you; but people are people, and this is what you will deal with all through life. You can't become embittered or cynical for people being their worst sometimes. Human-nature is part good and part evil. It's in all of us!
You've hit a rut. It's only temporary. It means change is about to happen. It's a wake-up call that you're lazy and time to get-up off your bum!
Your friends were leaving as you arrived. Divine-intervention is there to show us the truth; and to help us discern who and what is real, or who and what is not. You just realized that you have a group of unreliable millennial friends. The world is busting at the seams with people. They can and will be replaced. Not at the snap of your fingers. Sorry, the world doesn't always deliver at the push of a button. Some things do take time and effort on your part.
That entitled and self-centered behavior is quite typical in your age-group. Their "what's in-it-for-me?" attitude will be changed; because life will introduce them all to reality. It ain't just about you and what you can get! You and I know that. They're still wallowing in their arrested-development.
Nowadays, human-sensibilities are challenged and disabled by the over-use of digital-devices, social media, and ridiculous emojis. The emoji that looks like soft-serve chocolate ice cream without a cone is supposed to be poop?
Seriously?!! The eggplant one makes even less sense!
People ignore proper protocols, scoff at manners, have no filters, and it's mostly about me, myself, and I. Just remember, you are unique. You haven't assimilated into the status quo. You believe in friendship, loyalty, helping others, and caring outside of yourself. You must have great parents, and you're blessed with some good family-values in your life. Hang-on, don't give-up! Don't let other people make you turn on yourself! Please don't!
Careful about putting yourself down. That is unacceptable!!! Since you have a penchant for helping others; then volunteer your time helping the needy. Join volunteer-groups that dedicate their time and energies to a good cause; and believe in something that improves the quality of life, and has purpose.
You're special and unique; but you haven't found your calling, or the right niche. First you had to be awaken to the fact that you have no real friends. You can't change or correct anything you don't know. It takes time and special effort to meet people who share your values; or have a sense of loyalty and possess good-character. We're out there, and you'll find us!
Sometimes good-people are right-up under our noses. The neighbors we ignore. The shy-guy who always says hello; but you've pretty much ignored him, because he's just so ordinary. The girl you see at the checkout, you've never looked in the eyes. You never stopped to say hi or to introduce yourself. They're just non-cool nobodies, huh?
You may have avoided anything having to do with God or worship; because He seems weird, or a fantasy. Oddly, millions upon millions of people beg to differ on that opinion. Myself included! Not everybody who loves God is trying to shove it down your throat, and condemning you to hell. One or two bad experiences with the wrong people, and God gets the bad wrap. That's soooooo typically human of us!
Stop by a place of worship. Something small! It doesn't have to be an elaborate cathedral, a gigantic mosque, or a fancy temple. Just a little gathering of sweet simple people! Maybe out in the country! Feed the soul, it hungers too!
I hate when people refer to themselves as useless; and make all sorts of self-deprecating remarks! Why is that necessary? All because some people suck? Welcome to the real-world! Therefore, you go into this deep funk, and grind yourself into human-sausage? We can't cope with life, until we've spent thousands of dollars on some therapist's couch; popping pills until we're numb! Just for them to tell you that you aren't useless?!! It's so much cheaper to just reach that conclusion on your own!
Get outta that bed! Snap the hell out of it! Don't be alone, seek self-improvement. Read! Go to the gym and exercise! Get an adorable pet! Even if it's only a goldfish! If you decide on a cat, they can be aloof or judgemental. So choose a kitten who snuggles and likes to spend time with you. That's a better pet! If they always run and hide? It's just a creature who eats, dirties a litter box, and lives rent-free! They stare at you like they wish you'd implode, or go kill yourself. Come on, you're allowed to chuckle!
Just some snarky cat-humor! Sorry cat-lovers!
Visit your grandmother, or some lonely aunt or uncle nobody bothers to visit. Make them tea and bring them some flowers or sweets. Get a hobby, and learn some cool arts and crafts! Create handicrafts that you can sell at swap-meets, a flea-market, or the fair. Maybe you could use some extra money. You'll bump into people at all these events.
Get cheap tickets to concerts and invite a cousin your age. Even one of your no-count friends. Don't spend your money on them. Tell them you bought the tickets, but go Dutch on the drinks and refreshments. I have a boyfriend and friends; but sometimes I go to shows, receptions, parties, and recitals alone. What's wrong with that? People are there when I get there! I can chat with whomever I please.
Go ahead! Sit there being mean to yourself and bitter at the world! You can't always change the world; but you can always change yourself, and the environment around you.
NEVER, EVER, NOT EVER CALL YOURSELF BAD NAMES OR USELESS!!! You're way too young for being such a cynic and self-hater!
Boo hoo, I've got no friends! Not if you spend 15 hours in bed, girlfriend!
You can diss all those no-good so-called friends! Write them each a short and to-the-point letter; and tell them how they've been lousy friends. Then have nothing more to do with them. Block their calls, and find yourself new places to hangout. Hanging-out at the same old places all the time; becomes routine, and you'll always run into the same old lousy crowd of familiars. Those knuckleheads who don't appreciate you. If you run into them, simply tell them; you're tired of being used, under-appreciated, or stood-up!
Bye, Felicia!!! "Get out of my sunlight, I don't need your shade! Keep stepping!"
Stay positive. You won't make any friends projecting a bad-attitude, and showing bitterness on your pretty face!
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