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female
age
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anonymous
writes:I dated a guy for 6 mos....we'll call him Bob. Bob and I are both from military backgrounds, stable financially, both have one daughter and 2 grandkids and we're both in our 50's. I am an eternal optimist and a hopeful romantic. I am very healthy and young at heart and believe in health conscious food and working out regularly too. Bob does not. He drinks coca cola all day long, smokes cigarettes and doesn't believe in working out. He loves me dearly and will do anything for me and wants to marry me and let me work only pt. time. We broke up for the 5th time just after thanksgiving....I was tired of his depressive outlook on life and his unhealthy attitude in general. I met someone else within 3 wks after I broke up with Bob. We both have a very positive outlook on life and work out regularly, watch what we eat , like to communicate with each other and have fallen in love. Sex is longer and more satisfying with Bob...my other guy is bigger but doesn't last as long as Bob...but is very loving. I make it a policy to not make enemies with my exes....so Bob remained my friend after we btoke up. My other guy got mad at me last week and shut me out, wouldn't talk to me a whole week after an incident when we were out to dinner. Bob had texted me and asked me to dinner. My bad...I texted him back and told him I was out eith my guy. My guy saw me texting and asked me what that was about. I told him the truth and he got mad and hurt and then told me that he thought I was lying to me. He assumed that I had been seeing Bob all along and told me that he was having a hard time believing me...soo..we ended our date and he wouldn't talk to me all week. That night my car broke down and I called him to see if I could borrow his other car but he said no because he never lent his cars to anyone. He also told me that we needed a break andit was going to take him awhile to trust me again...that maybe I should go back to Bob.Well, I had no one else to call to borrow a car for work do I called Bob. Bob came right over....lent me his xtra car for the week and I also told him what happened with my guy after he saw me texting him. I also told Bob that my guy suggested that maybe I ought to go back with Bob and Bob was thrilled and told me that maybe I should.Sooooo...I went right back to Bob this last week and it has been better than it had been. But today my guy called and wanted to see me and talk about what happened. He came over and we discussed what happened and those same feelings were there so he apologized for shutting me out. But now I have feelings for both men but I know that I can only have one of them. UGH!I needto choose but know that this one is going to be long term and I'm having a hard time choosing. They are both great guys with alot to offer me.Please offer me some advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for the advice. I finally ended it for good with Bob and have taken a step back to catch my breath. Gil who is the guy I've been recently dating has come back to me and apologized and asked me if we could give it another try. We're taking it slow and not complicating things by saying the L word for now. We're enjoying each others company but one day at a time is our motto.
This website is cool and I've told several people about it already.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013): Don't get back with Bob. 5 break ups in 6 months means this isn't meant to be. That's almost 1 break up a month that's nuts. A roller coqster relationship is actually a non-relationship. The fact that you would use him for his car is also inappriopriate and you're not keeping a firm sense of what it means to be in a relationship vs not. You should have rented a car on your own, not used him to save money for yourself. Or you should have called someone else if you wanted to borrow a car for free. But it was inappropriate to break up with him then use him for something you coupdnt get from your boyfriend. The fact that he allows you to treat him this way shows he too doesn't have a strong sense of self and relationships. No wonder so many breakups in such a short time. So forget about Bob. He isn't the right guy for you. Just because the other guy rejected you doesn't make it a good idea to get back with Bob, unless your goal is simply to use him to fill the time because you're afraid of being alone. But what about the other man? Why not try again with him since you haven't known him that long he is still an open ended possibility. It may work or it may not. But with Bob you already know it won't workAnd if if it doesn't work with the other guy that doesn't mean its now a good idea to get back with Bob either. It just means that you need to look beyond just these two guys as options.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 January 2013):
 neither man makes you happy.
I suggest you go solo.
you needed a car so you called bob. that's USING him honey.
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reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (14 January 2013):
 Incidentally, your other guy (not Bob) is the better man in this scenario. However, you won't have a chance at having a relationship with him. He'll be off if you continue to keep in touch with Bob the sap.
Go with Bob. He's your only hope.
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (14 January 2013):
If I were either one of these guys I'd walk. You're playing between the two here. What should you do? Well, if I took my girl out to dinner and she started texting her ex I'd walk out, leave her there, and never contact her again.
Bob is a sap. He's happy for you to be with him. He wants to hang on every word and be your slave. He's happy to be second best. But then you already know this don't you? You were seeing a new guy yet keep Bob there in the background, stringing him along as your backup.
Sounds like you'll be really happy with Bob since he's unhealthy, smokes, and you've only broken up 5 times already. Sounds like the perfect relationship for you. Let's face it, that loser will always be there just waiting for you to come back all the time.
You can always go back to Bob. Then when you find another guy that takes your fancy, you can break up with him AGAIN (for the 6th time) knowing you can always go back if it doesn't work out with another new guy.
Personally, I'm not helping a woman that has no integrity, isn't trustworthy and is only out for herself and what she can get...
"They are both great guys with alot to offer me"
Nice. Unfortunately, you have nothing to offer them though do you?
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reader, MissEllouiseGreen +, writes (14 January 2013):
There is a phrase which says if you find yourself falling in love with two people always choose the second because if you really wanted to be with the first you wouldn't even see the second as and option. Others would say that if you and Bob keep getting back together that at some point you must really work well together.Call me old fashioned but I believe that relationships are like houses. If your house breaks do you go out and buy a new one? No you fix it. Obviously you and Bob have fixed it many times before and still there are some leaks. I think that you should step back and really evaluate your situation. What do you want in a partner? Which man has the qualities you are looking for. If you do stay in your current house will you always find yourself fantasizing about that apartment with the perfect view? And if you do if fact move into the new apartment you must realize that you cannot keep the key to your old house and revisit it when something in your new apartment goes wrong. Also maybe you find that neither of the men meet up to what you want and need and that you stay single and wait for someone who is. It is okay to be single and wait for what you really want rather then to lower standards because you don't want to miss a good deal. For now I advise you to step back and take a week or so weighing up the situation. I am sure if you tell both men that you need time to think that they will wait a week and if one doesn't it makes the choice a lot easier. I know it seems complicated but think about what the other two are feeling as well. I wish you nothing but the best and whether you choose either one you must in fact choose instead of leaving them in limbo. My best wishes Miss Ellouise Green.
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reader, fishdish +, writes (14 January 2013):
 You and Bob have a terrible track record..5 break ups in 6 months.I don't think you're being completely honest with us/yourself here, you could have called AAA, got your car towed, and gotten a rental in the meantime, instead of using your ex's car. I think it's really...a tragic sign that after your new guy gets hurt by your association with your ex, you actually turn around and reinforce that association by a) asking him for help b) telling him about the fight, which shouldn't be his business and c) telling him how your new guy suggests you guys should get back together. What was your agenda with THAT! Maybe you find it mature to maintain ex's as friends but I don't think you're ready to be friends, especially with your propositioning him about getting back together, under the guise of your man's idea (even though your guy said it, you didn't own up to your own view of it) when every lifestyle thing about him (except his penis) was wrong for you!
Maybe you aren't official or had a monogamy chat with new guy, but I feel bad for him, and considering he got mad over a text, what you've done since would only confirm my suspicions that you still had feelings for bob and I don't know if I would get over it if I were him.
Bob and you don't work. You've noticed this more than 5 times, as you've probably thought about the break up before you've done it. Your personalities and takes on life are fundamentally and likely irreparably different. You say you still have feelings for Bob, and I find that not fair to new guy.
I would tell new guy you feel like you're rushing into something new, and I would tell Bob you're not ready to see if you want this something old. Take time and reflect on your needs, wants, interests, and how these men fit into those pictures of what you want your life to be like. New guy sounded great, like a breath of fresh air. What does Bob offer you? Just based on your post I'd say it'd be better for you to try a new direction with new guy, but as I mentioned, you need time and space from both to really be sure that's best for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): It isn't nice to be playing two men at once just to appease your own selfish needs and ego. I am sure for you it's just peachy having two guys dangling on the line. Makes you feel special? Beautiful? Maybe like you've still got it even though you are not so young anymore? Like some sort of prize they are both trying to win? You don't know what you want. You sound like you are not ready for a long term relationship right now. You should not take them down with you. Let them both go. And stay single for awhile. Figure yourself out. I don't think the problem is with either guy. They are probably both quite nice. The problem is with you.If you were ready to be serious, you would know which one to choose. But you aren't. It is highly unfair to both of them to string them along for the ride just to feed your hungry ego.I was strung along by someone who could not make up their mind. It was the worst experience of my life and it put me through a world of hurt and pain. I just walked away because I had self respect. If either of them had any, they would not be putting up with your behaviour.
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reader, oldbag +, writes (14 January 2013):
 Hi
Well unless 'Bob' changes to fit your ideal,that you can persuade him to alter his lifestyle for you, then will he ever be the right long term partner? He sounds a very kind man but set in his ways and you don't like his ways and went off with another man soon after breaking up because of this
The other man you barely know.
I would keep your options open for now,be friends with both but not in a relationship.In time you will make up your own mind,nobody else can help.
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reader, CMMP +, writes (14 January 2013):
Nobody hear can really make that decision for you. But, one thing you haven't considered is dating the two of them and being open about it. Tell the new guy that he doesn't seem ready for a serious relationship and tell Bob that you want him to change so he can be with you for a long time.
Take it slow with both of them. You may not want to specifically say you're dating the other guy. But there's really no need to rush to choose and there's also no need to be extremely serious at this point.
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