A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I'm a little reluctant to post this as I'm "the bad guy" in the piece, but I could really use some advice.I've been seeing someone off and on for the past few months and I need to end things with her. She really likes me and, despite my trying to "clue her in" the past couple of weeks, she's not going to see the breakup coming. I'm seeing her on Friday (which she no doubt assumes is going to be a date) to do it properly.What would you suggest (or suggest NOT to do)? Obviously I can't stop her from being hurt, but I want to do this with as much respect, kindness and integrity as I possibly can. I've never done this before, usually things just fade off naturally. But in this case, that's not going to work. Any advice on how to make this as painless as possible for both of us would be gratefully accepted.There is someone new on the scene, but nothing has happened between us (I didn't want there to be any overlap- I don't want to cheat) but that is not the primary reason for the breakup. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): You have to tell her face to face, not by text, email or phone. Face to face, just tell her you think you're better off ending it, that you think she is great but its not what you want and it wouldnt be fair to her to continue the relationship. If she starts crying and begging you not to leave, hear what she has to say and then leave. If she is in a bad way, call her friend to let her know she may need her.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, Loiselle +, writes (10 July 2011):
 It is wonderful that you are thinking about how to let her down as gently as possible -- and with integrity.
Just keep in mind that she may have strong emotional reactions to being "dumped" and may have many questions as to why this is happening. Do your best to explain to her and allow her to be upset if she is so.
It is also good that you are putting on hold your plans to get involved with someone else now. Cheating is always, always a bad idea.
...............................
A
female
reader, hannah76  +, writes (10 July 2011):
 Hello,
I did this to someone by email a number of years back. A real bad and cowardly thing to do. I just couldn't do it in person and figured that once they got the email they would "know" and I could just hide at home. Bad thing to do so I don't recommend it and I did apologise for it later on. Sometimes being honest but tactful is the best approach. You've enjoyed dating but can't see this working longterm. Don't do the "friends" rubbish as that is another slap in the face to her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Lucky786 +, writes (10 July 2011):
 Go somewhere public where you can talk, perhaps a coffee place. Don't choose somewhere symbolic like the first place you went out to as a couple. She will want to know why you want to end this. So be prepared to tell her. Also be prepared for tears and emotions. Once you have spoken to her, walk away and do not contact her, even if she contacts you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (10 July 2011):
 First let me ask you this: are you breaking up with her because of difficulties the two of you have been having? Or is it more that perhaps you have come to realize that even though she's nice enough, there just isn't enough "common ground" between you?
If the latter, especially, perhaps you could gently tell her something like this: "You are very nice, and I appreciate the time we've spent together, but on thinking it over, I realize we are just not on the same page about "religious beliefs" "or the lack of them"; "politics", "career paths"; goals, interests and activities; physical distance" - just to name a few.
Add that she has many good qualities, and you wish all the best in eventually meeting someone else.
If on the other hand, you're ending it because there's been unpleasant fights and arguments, you might want to refer to it, IF you think she really has a problem in being overly nasty or controlling, you COULD let her know that perhaps she would benefit by paying some attention to that kind of behavior - BUT ONLY IF you're absolutely sure that this appears to be part of a general pattern of interacting on her part - particularly if other friends have noticed and commented on it.
There really is no way to end something without some hurt to the other person. All you can do is to give careful consideration beforehand as to how you plan to break the news and use as much kindness, tact and honesty as you can. It would be a good idea to be prepared for the fact that she might be angry, disappointed, upset, and demand to know why. Try to be patient in letting her know your reasons.
Good luck!
...............................
|
