A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When you date someone it takes maybe a year for them to show their true selves. Everything in the beginning is just then putting on their good side, so they can get laid.I miss they way my ex was at the beginning of teh relatiosnhip, not the actual person he really is. He is cold, callous, arrogant and extremely selfish.Our relationship seemed to be going well. He never once said that he was unhappy. Then he dumped me by text, completely out of the blue. He verbally abused me and refused to even have a conversation about the breakup. He blamed everything on me. Of coarse nothing could be his fault, apparently he is perfect[ or so he thinks].He is a future faker down to a tee. He jumps from girl to girl and rarely is without someone. I was his first serious girlfriend, all the others were just flings. How do I avoid this in the future?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did take my time with this guy. I waited and didn't sleep with him for a long time. I'm not a slut.
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (2 July 2011):
 if you find a man to be overly charming and he seems to be pushing things a long too quick and seems to be too good to by true and every thing you are into he is like 'me too!' if he seems to have had a lot of women in the past and that his exes and/or women who fancy him/of have liked him in the past.
they are all signs that he may be a womaniser. just take your time with a guy, try to remain emotionally grounded (not swept off your feet!) until you are as sure as you can possibly be that his intentions are true
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 July 2011):
 True. And unluckily people may turn around ,betray you and disappoint you even after years and years.
Very often though, the "change " is not sudden and out of character as we want to believe. We are very good at ignoring red flags and warning bells , so that we can hang on not to the real person but to the idea of him we have contructed in our mind.
For instance, this guy never had relationships before you, "just flings " . That might have been bad luck... or maybe not. It must mean something if someone is a "serial flinger "- did you ask yourself what ?...
You can't read minds, or see the future, ....but you cn keep your eyes always wide open, even when you are in love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionObviously if I knew what my ex was like at the beginning of the relationship, I would have never dated him.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 June 2011):
That's a strange way of seeing it.
You are loyal and honest because YOU are a loyal and honest person, regardless if other people has been ,or will be loyal and honest to you.
If you are not a thief, you don't steel. Even if you have been pickpocketed various times.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't help but think to myself "I wish I wasn't faithful now". Now that my ex has shown his true colours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did meet all his family and friends before I slept with him. That made the breakup even worse, as I was good friends with them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah my ex did all those things, yet he still screwed me over. I'm not dumb, I do wait to get to know someone before sleeping with them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat makes it difficult when people like my ex either sugercoat or downright out lie about their past relationships.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I don't balme my ex for everything. Unlike him I took time to be single and work out things I would do differently next time. I had to reject someone recently and I didn't verbally abusive them by text or blame the whole breakup on them, unlike my ex. Just because you want to leave a relationship it doesn't mean you have to treat them like shit. I thank god everyday that I'm nothing like my ex and that the relationship never worked out. I'm not an asshole like him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): "It was his first serious relationship and everything before it was just flings." --- here is a great indicator.
It sounds to me like you got in line with all the rest of the girls and tried to tame a player. There's a reason the rest of them all failed. And you only have the player's word for what happened each time in the past.
In my life experience, people who are good at lasting relationships usually have a history of lasting relationships.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 June 2011):
Pretty much what Lazy Guy said. Also,
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/subtle-signs-of-emotional-abuse.html
This is an article I wrote, with some responses from others that are very helpful. This focuses on what to look for at the very beginning of a relationship so that as much as possible, you can avoid people like your ex.
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (19 June 2011):
 There is a really simple way to tell a person true personality EARLY on.
Yes, he wants to get into your pants and will therefor be on the behavior that he thinks he is the best path to said pants.
He is NOT interested in getting into pants of the guy behind the counter serving him. HOW he treats the people that he does not want to get into the pants off is how you tell his true personality.
I am fairly certain that in hindsight you can recall situations he wasn't decent to service personel or random strangers. Was he the kind of guy who puts his feet on the chair on public transport even if he a handicapped person is looking for a seat?
Fairly certain he was. What did you think when he did that? "Oh he is such a rebel" or something like that I bet.
And you still have not learned the lesson. HE is, HE will, HIS future.
Why not focus on yourself a bit? YOU are a future XXX down to a tee. You will drift from boyfriend to boyfriend.
HE is getting what he wants, you are not. You need correction, not him.
Only if you can admit the fault was with you in not seeing who he was by really looking, can you avoid repeating the same mistake. You are not yet doing that. You were his first serious girlfriend? No, no you were not. He was not serious.
That is the entire issue, you probably saw who he was but lied to yourself and haven't stopped so far.
If you want to avoid it, absolve him from blame for you swallowing his pick up routine and in future, LOOK at who you are dating beyond the lines.
It is not just women who don't do this. See the "my wife has a past" posts. Gosh, you met this girl in a club where she got in by blowing the door guy and you at the same time and you say she is not a virgin? Gosh!
I have to hire people on a regular basis and seem to be really good at it, never had to fire anyone and they only leave once they completely outgrown the company. Why am I so good? I don't give a shit what people say during the interview. I watch them instead as they come in. How do they talk to the girl behind the counter? Do they say "thank you" when presented with a drink? Do they clean up the cup? The interview is a marketing lie. For both sides by the way. But as an employer you want to know who the person really is. Do they stand on their stripes? Are they capable of being nice to a trainee even if they need the same thing explained to them for the 100th time? Can they be counted on to be discreet with customers?
You don't tell how people are from what they tell you but how they behave when they don't think they are being observed.
And this is hard to do in love. I said I never had to fire anyone? Well, that is work. I do have exes and not all of them dumped me. We make mistakes and if lucky, we learn from it.
Are you learning from it or just blaming someone else?
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