A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:After a drunken night of wine last night, a few things came out about my wife that I probably didnt want to hear. I have a big thing about honesty, as I have a fair few trust issues of my own, and after a few lies that she's came out with, I feel a bit hurt/confused. We've been married 6 months, and together for 2 years.During the first couple of weeks we met, there was rumours that she had kissed another lad (One of my mates..). I confronted her about it at the time, and she told me that he tried to kiss her but she pulled away.Next I found out, that after many conversations in the past about our past sexual partners etc, that there was one more. She's lied to me in the past about how many people she slept with, and I said then that there was no more secrets after the last conversation we had. But last night she told me that her friend her friend told her she had slept with someone when she was extremely drunk. She didnt have any recollection or know of it though.She has only slept with 2 other guys (Not including the one she's told me about), and 2 of them she didnt remember.All this was before she met me, and I know in reality its none of my business but the fact that she's lied to me a few times has kinda got me feeling a little strange. I completely trust her, because I know the person that she is.. But with my trust issues, its kinda kinda difficult to process it all..
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): Don't ask!!! It will only bother you. If you start digging, you'll find that any halfway decent looking girl has a history of cheating and sleeping around. Trust me on this, the older you get, the more shocking are the things you'll learn about girls.
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (23 June 2011):
 i can understand why she would lie ( i am not saying its ok) she is obviously ashamed of being with men in the past, she regrets it and did not want you to know and maybe think bad of her.
the drunkeness is a bit of a cop out i think. alcohol very often gets blamed and used as an reason to avoid answering awkward questions. 'i was drunk - i don't even remember so i cannot tell you anything - so don't ask'
i think she needs to curb her drinking for a start. to have sex with 2 men because she was so out of it she could not remember is really scary. and now after a night boozing she has admitted drunkenly to something that she really wanted to keep a secret from you.
have you found in the past that you have caught her out with other lies or is it just this? as long as you trust her, is ok, i think she lied just coz she didn't want to lose you
x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): There is a huge difference between her not talking about something previously, and her lying about it previously. The former is acceptable. The latter is absolutely not.
If people want their past to be accepted by their partners then they cannot lie about it first. The partner with the bad past is not the only one who needs to be respected.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (19 June 2011):
 Oh for goodness's sake. She didn't tell you for the simple reason that she loved you, knew you had trust issues and would freak out if you told her how many people she had slept with, and didn't want to upset/lose you.
She was AFRAID to tell you.
Now, trust depends on two things: one, that someone tells the truth. Two, that they feel they are in an environment where they CAN tell the truth. Unfortunately, she didn't feel safe telling you, so didn't tell you.
Now, she feels safe, and she has told you.
I don't think you have a problem at all. Get over the past, look to the future, tell her that if there is anything else she hasn't told you yet, she can now, and she shouldn't worry - whatever it is, you will still love her - create an environment of trust, where she feels safe to be honest with you.
Trust is a two-way thing. She loves you, you love her. Don't look for holes in the jumper, as they say in some cultures. It is all ok. Don't make a big deal of this.
Hey, she told you. That was an act of trust. Don't let her down. Deal with this. Be a husband.
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A
male
reader, freeme  +, writes (19 June 2011):
 Right now, if I were you, my biggest fear would be her drinking. Drinking to the point of black out is a sign of alcoholism. I'd be addressing that straight away if I were you.
Since your question isn't about that though...
I'm not sure if you are more concerned with her sexual past or her lies. If you are already having trouble trusting her 6 months into the marriage, it wouldn't hurt to talk to someone about it so you can work out why. Since your wedding day, it seems to me that she has come clean with you. I'd call that a positive sign.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): Well if there is already an honesty issue after only six months, I am sorry to say you have big problems! Usually the truth of things comes out eventually, and it is better now than later. However, I suspect there is probably more to it. I have been married for over twenty years, and just recently found out an old ugly secret of my spouses which has destroyed our marraige, and what I thought was a friendship with another couple. I will spare the details here but if you have a gnawing feeling in your gut, as I did but ignored it, go with your gut. You will save the angony of contemplating divorce after putting so much energy into the relationship, only to find the rug pulled out from under you! Run, and run fast. Any person who is not honest with you at the beginning, never will be. My spouse broke my heart, and now refuses to give up old friendships saying I made too much of the whole thing. Please re-evaluate your entire relationship with this woman, before you live with a lie for decades.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 June 2011):
 Do not mistake honesty for jealousy. She has never cheated on you. Whether she kissed or tried to kiss or stopped another guy from kissing her within the first two weeks of meeting you (?!) should not be an issue.
You say that you "completely trust her" but have "trust issues". Which is it? You either trust her, or you don't. You married her. What matters isn't how many men were in her past (I'm assuming you knew that she wasn't a virgin when you married her), but who she is with now.
Mark my words. Your obsession with the absolute details of her sexual history will tear your marriage and relationship apart. This does not fall under honesty to grill her over and over about her past and accuse her of lying for every person she "forgot" to tell you about.
This trust issue is your issue. Do not emotionally punish her for your issue. She has done nothing wrong by having relationships before she met you. This is retroactive jealousy that is causing you to focus so obsessively on this. Don't make this out to be "trust" or "honesty" because that is not what this is.
Think about it. If you have such a trust issue, would her providing exquisite detail about her each and every sexual (or otherwise) encounter with other men in her past assuage how you feel? Be honest. No, it wouldn't. You would have even more of a jealousy issue and the details would consume and torture you even more than you are now.
You will obliterate your present and future by scratching the scab of her past. Stop while you can and focus on her love for you now.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (19 June 2011):
 Our society tends to get men to increase the number of sexual partners they have had and women to decrease theirs.
Considering that women often start younger, in same age couples it would be normal to expect the woman to have more experience then the man.
For how many women are you a part of their past they rather forget or at a minimum do not want their partner to know about?
Maybe none. Your gf had a life before you two met each other. That might not be the life you wished she had. It might not be the life she wished she had but it is there. She now has a husband who has issues with her having a past. What is she supposed to do? Tell everything knowing you don't really want to hear, even stuff she has forgotten? Or tell a white lie and not stir up the past needlessly?
Basically your wife seems to have a problem with alcohol and you know this and now are upset then when drunk, she doesn't know what she is doing. Yet know you get upset about it. This is the woman you married. Did she lie or did you lie to yourself?
Sometimes two people are not right for each other because both got issues. And your issues might go beyond a lack of trust. Self deception can be even more dangerous to a relationship. Who did you really marry? The real woman that is your wife, or some fantasy you created in your own mind? Don't blame her for not being your fantasy.
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