A
female
age
30-35,
*unkissed29
writes:What is wrong with me? Or what is wrong in general with this? I have friends here and there, but not a solid group. I recently transferred to another college, so I am still in the process of forming close friendships. I feel like I always have to make the effort to spend time with friends. Sometimes they do, but they never follow through with it. It's like they make plans and either flake out on me or "forget." I feel like I have unreliable friends, and I don't know if there's something wrong with me, or the friends I'm making. I feel like I'm pretty normal, intelligent, fun to be around, and attractive. I don't know what went wrong. I don't think I've had a solid group of friends for about 3 years, and it's taking a toll on me... Right now, it's summer, so school's out and everybody's in different places. But when school starts again, I'll keep trying to make friends and join clubs and stuff, but what if the same thing happens again? I make friends but can't seem to become really close with them... Trust me, I really try and make plans to hang out, open myself up to them, etc. I just don't understand why they don't want to hang out with me regularly, just maybe once a month or every couple weeks.... Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (20 June 2011):
 hi, It can be isolating to feel excluded from a group of friends and there can be one or many, or a combination of key things that bring about this sitaution.1. Your childhood. Was it calm and peaceful? Or was there discord? Was it settled, or did you move frequently? Was it full or happy times, or were there disappointments and sometimes an absence of trust? Because some negatives in childhood make it harder for a person to trust in the future. People brought up tough do have 'street smarts' but are sometimes distrustful (very understandable considering their childhood)2. How positive are you? People who continually view life through a negative outlook can be very draining. It's exhausting dealing with a person who has to put the Most negative slant on every issue. If a person has got into a habit of being: NO. Will not work/ it's all ruined.Frankly it is exhausting for others, so they walkaway, and deek out others.3.Are you a Good Listener?The best friends make us feel very relaxed. They are never judgemental. They can disagree but it is done with empathy, good grace and respect. But the best thing we can do for our friends is listen to them. Ask an occasional open question. And be open and respectful towards them. If you can't listen and only want to 'win' all arguments or want to have the last words then people will walk away.Words once spoken are hard to recall. You never get in trouble for what you DON'T say. But you can get into trouble for what you do say. Sometimes, to keep the peace, it is best to say nothing.4. EQ. Emotional Intelligence. You don't have to be super smart to have lots of friends. But without EQ you may 'turn people off' if you do not suss out and monitor how you relate to other emotionally. Empathy is part of this. But it's noticing a whole range of clues that you are connecting with a person, or not.5. Trying too hard. Being too needy. Trying to interupt a group. It goes down like a lead balloon. People will just start to ignore such a person as 'too hard' and 'too much work'6. Choosing the wrong group.If you are passionate about sport and don't like gardening then the Fuschia Society may not be for you. Unfair as it may seem, the reality is that if you are not interested in fashion and have reached 300 pound in weight then an group of Posh and Beckham look alikes may feel they have not much in common with you.Go where your passions are. If you love creative writing join such a group, volunteer to ask to assist and learn to do things to help the group. If you are interested in conservation then join a group and develop your skills there. It is much easier to make friends with people where you have shared interests.Hope this helps?
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