A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly three months. We met through my friend going out with his friend (kinda complicated but that's the basics). I'm 17 and he's 19. He's met my parents and he wants me to meet his, and they're really keen to meet me too. The problem is that we're in a long distance relationship, and so I'd have to get the bus to his house, and by the time I got there, I'd only have about an hour or so at his house before I'd have to come home... So the only way around this is if I go and stay at his house overnight to make it worth the £12.30 bus fare. But I know my parents won't be exactly thrilled about it... So how do I ask them if I can stay at his house? I want to ask them in a way that shows them that I'm grown up and can make my own decisions, but at the same time still check it's okay with them...Just a few extra's which are bound to crop up in answers; -Yes, we would most likely be sleeping in the same bed, and although my parents wouldn't be happy about that, his parents are prepared to say we'll be in separate rooms.-In relation to that, we have discussed having sex, and we do want to, but only when the time is right, which may or may not be when I possibly stay at his.And yes, that is what my parents will be bothered about. But the way I see it, they can't stop me if it's what I want, because if me and my boyfriend want to have sex, we'll find a way anyway because we're both over 16 and so are both over the age of consent in the UK. You may think this next bit sounds, childish (I would use a better word but can't think of one), but I also think that because if I really wanted to move out and live with him (which I don't right now) then I could at the age I am and they wouldn't be able to stop me, so I don't think staying over his for one night should be that big of a deal...But what I really want to know is how to actually ask my parents if it would be alright to stay over at his? Bearing in mind his parents have already said it's absolutely fine...
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female
reader, maisy1 +, writes (22 May 2013):
Your parents, and probably his parents too, feel its better to let you stay over (knowing damn well you'll be having sex) than risk you and your boyfriend getting up to no good in a parked car or allyway where theres a higher risk of reprocussions. Your being very naive if you think your parents think for one minute that you'll be sleeping in seperate beds! They wouldnt trust a 17 girl and 19 year old lad for one moment where sex is concerned...quite rightly as your deception shows.
Its quite laughable to hear a child of 17 claim she is ready and fully prepared to handle any consequences - so an abortion is simple is it? Or do you claim to have the independance, financial stability, maturity and life experience to handle it if a baby comes along? No and no! Are you and your instantly commited boyfriend ready to spend the best years of your life broke, up all night and having no social life? Bearing in mind he can walk away anytime despite what he says now.
OP i got pregnant at 18. It was with a guy who said he was 100 percent commited, would stay with me no matter what and was stick with me whatever happened....4 months in to the pregnancy he walked away.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (22 May 2013):
 See ya on the flip side baby cakes.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 May 2013):
 I take it that the blah blah blah opinions of all this bunch of nosy judgemental strangers must be sort of similar to those of your own parents ,though... since they have not been informed about the sleeping arrangements...
If you think yours is such a great idea, then why not sharing it with your parents in full details ?
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A
female
reader, maisy1 +, writes (22 May 2013):
what they dont cant hurt them? really? it will hurt them if they have a 17 year old pregnant daughter under there roof.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): Who cares OP, if your parents really believed that you're not just going there to get some cock then they're total idiots. You're a teenage girl that's what teenagers do. They know you're going there to get boned, they just don't want to make a big deal of it. Do use protection though, or at least send me the link to the Jeremy Kyle episode you appear on if you decide not to.Remember OP, it's polite to bring down the sheets yourself to be washed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly, sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you all, I had my last exam at college this week so I've been preparing for that.
Secondly, I asked my parents in the end if I could stay over at my boyfriend's house. It took a little convincing but they said yes. Then my boyfriend's parents asked if I wanted to stay over for a few days to make it worth the journey and they want to treat me as part of the family and take me out with them to the zoo or something on Monday. So I asked my parents about that, and they said it's fine. So I'm staying over for three nights, and yes I will be sleeping in the same bed as him. And no, my parents don't know that. But what they don't know can't hurt them.
Me and my boyfriend are fully prepared for if we decide to have sex, and we're both fully prepared for the consequences should there be any.
I don't want you all replying saying "mistake blah blah blah" "don't do it" "you're an idiot" "you're not old enough" "you haven't been together long enough" "your parents are stupid" because I'm just providing you with an update. And even then, what my parents have decided is nothing to do with you, all I posted the question for was to ask advice on how to ask them about staying over there, not for a load of people to start ranting at me saying I don't know what I'm doing when I do.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 May 2013):
 I think EyesWideOpen had the best advice. Have his parents call your parents and talk about the arrangements. You could put them all on skype and your and your parents could meet his parents at the same time.
You may be of age to have sex in the UK, but your parents are still responsible for you and your well-being. Asking adults to come up with an outright lie to sell to your parents just isn't that palatable to the adults. That's why you are getting pushback on this.
And yes, we older folk were teenagers once ourselves. We remember what it felt like and how urgent those young lovers' trysts felt at the time. Your parents were teenagers once too. They know a little about sex. They had you, after all.
How about this: you and your parents drive halfway to meet him and his parents, eat a nice meal together, perhaps a Saturday lunch? and then you will have met his parents, and your parents will have met his parents and everyone will then know everyone else, and you each put out the same effort to reach the restaurant so it's all equitable and on neutral territory.
For what it's worth, dating for 3 months is too early in my view for someone your age to have sex. Add the additional complication of it being an LDR and that's really difficult. I'd hold out for at least 6 months and have had the parents meet so that you know you are not being duped. People can present themselves entirely fraudulently in an LDR.
So, back to EWO's advice. Have his parents call your parents and sort it out. Sounds good to me!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 May 2013):
OP, if I were your mom and read your update with its fuzzy approximative incorrect notions about safe sex, and its totally naive assumptions ( less than 3 months...in a LDR.. and he has PROVEN to you "he is different " )... I would not let you go alone to the neighborhood supermarket for a pint of milk.
Regardless, If I were you I would not even attempt the " I need to meet his parents " card. No you don't, you are not getting engaged are you ? You can get to know them by phone or Skype and postpone the official meeting to the time when either one or both of you guys will drive and can buy or borrow a car to travel independently.
I think your parents would soooo see through your little scheme , whose point is just to sleep in the guy's bed ( with , or without actual intercourse, but probably with, a.k.a. " We did not mean to but it just happened " ) that they'd would just laugh in your face if they are in a good mood or would get real furious mad if they aren't.
Mind you, not that , If I had a 17 years old daughter who wants to try sex, I would be shocked or scandalized or offended. It's nature, .. the bees and the birds and all that. But, not knowing the guy very well, and since the " relationship " is so very new , and also because parents have many roles but not that of pimp among them.... I would not serve my 17 y.o. daughter on a silver platter to her new wannabe lover. No my dear wannabe lover , if you really want to sleep with my daughter, at least don't ask ME to make it superconvenient for you. At least ,YOU sweat it a little bit and come here and get her !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2013): If you've only been going out for 3 months, and it's an LDR, I don't see why you really need to meet his parent's if it's such a hassle. I can't believe that they would really want you to have to travel on the bus for 3 hours each way simply in order to meet them at this early stage. Consequently, the whole idea of meeting the parents basically looks like some sort of excuse to be able to stay the night. As you mentioned his parents were on skype, why don't you just have a skype conversation with them instead? It won't cost anything and is a great way of keeping in touch, plus it won't need such a long journey. I'm sure if you set up good communication at this stage then if you and your bf are still together at some point down the line then when you do meet them face-to-face you'll already know them pretty well.
From an adult point of view, the plan looks a bit silly and the meet-the-parents thing just looks like a flimsy excuse for something else. I would add, however, that it might well have been the sort of thing I would have cooked up at 17 as well- ie. seems like a good plan, lying to your parents doesn't seem so bad if you're trying to save a bit of money, etc., self centred. Sadly when you get older like me you look back and realise the folly of these things and how they were actually incredibly immature. Lying to ones parents is a BAD thing to do at the best of times, and this scenario certainly doesn't seem like it's worth deliberately deceiving your parents.
Incidently, if you're that keen to meet the parents and they reciprocate, couldn't you meet halfway somewhere, for a meal or something. Then no-one has anything to worry about, you don't have to travel a long way, and there are no silly excuses being bandied about. You wouldn't have to worry about speaking to your parents either. Surely there must be some sort of train station which is easy for both parties to access, and I imagine your bf's parents would be quite happy to do that if they're looking forward to meeting you and understand your predicament.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 May 2013):
Have his parents call your parents.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioniAmHereToHelpYou: No, he didn't stay at mine. We'd only been together for a month and a half when he met my parents. Plus our spare room isn't big enough for someone to sleep in, it's more of a box room. Plus our stairs go straight down into the living room, so we couldn't sleep downstairs. Me and a friend slept downstairs once last year and my parents said never again because they couldn't come downstairs when they wanted to in the morning.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMale Anonymous reader: Even if we did have sex, I wouldn't get pregnant. Both he and I have condoms, my college gave them out to us last year. So no worries about either set of parents becoming grandparents. iAmHereToHelpYou: Firstly, no he would not expect sex. We have discussed it quite a lot, and even before we were together, I brought it up in conversation and he said he would wait as long as I wanted to, even if it was over a year, because he would just be happy being with me. So please don't judge him, just because that's what most other teenage boys are like. He's the one that's proven to me that not all teenage boys are the same. zippy78: Yes, we have discussed safe sex. As I mentioned above, we both have condoms. We were discussing it a few weeks ago and HE suggested I should go on the pill, but I said I'd wait and see how sexually active we become then I'd base my decision on that. We are both emotionally and physically ready, you might find that hard to believe because we've only been together 3 months, but we are. As I mentioned above, sex wouldn't necessarily happen, and even if it did, it'd be because we'd BOTH want it to happen.We may have only been together 3 months, but I've known him longer than that. And I already know him better than some of his friends do. And as for not living together until a couple of years in, my parents had been together about 9 or so months when they moved in together, and they're still together 20 years on. And I am old enough to move out, I know from a previous hunt through the government website when a friend's parents were splitting up. At 16 in the UK you can legally move out. The likelihood is that IF I moved out, I'd probably live with him and his parents to begin with then further down the line when we had enough money and everything else, we'd get a place of our own, which most likely wouldn't be until I was over 18 by the time we had enough money, but that's not the point because I have no plans to actually move out yet anyway. I was just using it as a comparison to staying at his overnight. Even if I did get pregnant (which I wouldn't) he wouldn't walk away. As I mentioned above, he's proven to me that not all teenage boys are the same. We've discussed everything about having sex, even getting pregnant, and we came to a mutual decision that if I was to get pregnant at this age, we wouldn't keep the child because we KNOW we wouldn't yet be able to support it. In response to your second answer, no I haven't met his parents yet, that's why he wants me to go to his house to meet them. I know they've said it's fine because when he asked them he was on a Skype call to me, and so I could hear and see the conversation. Not only that, they let his sister and her boyfriend (who are both the same age as me) stay over at theirs, and they sleep in the same room. Also, staying over at his was MY idea. Not his. Meeting his parents has always been on the cards anyway because he's met mine, but when we looked at the bus timetables it's really not worth the bus fare, or the time of the bus journey (£12.30 total and 3 hours each way). So I suggested that I could stay over at his.maisy1: As I've mentioned above, we have discussed birth control. Pulling out does work if you do it right because I know a friend who has always used that method and has never got pregnant, but we wouldn't be using that method anyway because we know it's too risky. There isn't actually that much difference in our maturity if I'm being honest, I've always been told I'm mature for my age. As I've said, we won't necessarily have sex. And if we do, then we do have contraception ready. We're not stupid.Did I say we planned on having a baby, buying a house, emigrating, or getting married? No. All that is years away. Even if when I turn 18 we wanted to live together, we wouldn't buy a house, we'd rent one. The UK property market is way too hard for first time buyers to get into, so it's not like we'd have much chance of getting a house anyway. I know people who have been together since teens and moved in together and are now happy. For example, my cousin and her husband met when they were 17 or 18, moved in together by 19, got married at about 20-21, and are expecting their first child anyday now (was due 2 days ago, just waiting for the phonecall :D They're 24 now by the way). To put it simply, they won't lie to me. Especially not my boyfriend, believe me when I say he's scared of losing me. I got a tiny bit annoyed with him a few weeks ago because he was watching football when we'd already agreed to Skype call, and he got upset because he hated that he'd upset me and was worried that he'd lose me, of course I said don't be silly that wouldn't affect our relationship (just me being a typical girl though, right? I mean, it's football. My Mum's the same with my Dad). What does it say about his parents? That they trust us. Simple as that.Well if his parents said that we'd be in separate rooms then they'd believe it. And even if we did sleep in separate rooms, it wouldn't really change whether we had sex or not. We could go in his room during the day and do it if it was what we both wanted. Adults should know better than anyone that it is possible to sleep in the same bed as someone and not have sex.Thing is, it actually isn't worth the bus fare. I really would only get an hour at his house. That isn't worth £12.30 plus two 3 hour bus journeys. My parents probably would take me over there or pick me up, but my Mum doesn't drive and my Dad works stupid hours, and I can't expect his parents to do both trips. As I've said, staying over was my idea. I'm the one that's looked at the bus timetables and worked it all out. To all of you: 1) Don't judge my boyfriend as being the same as every other teenage boy, because he's proven to me that he's not.2) Staying over was MY idea.3) We might NOT have sex. We'll only do it if we both feel ready. It IS possible to sleep in the same bed and not have sex (I know because my best friend and her boyfriend slept in the same bed on her birthday last week and didn't have sex, bearing in mind they're the same age as me)
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A
female
reader, maisy1 +, writes (17 May 2013):
OP your being really silly!! "You may think this next bit sounds, childish (I would use a better word but can't think of one), but I also think that because if I really wanted to move out and live with him (which I don't right now) then I could at the age I am and they wouldn't be able to stop me, so I don't think staying over his for one night should be that big of a deal..."Yes very childish to be honest. That's not really a valid argument. Its a childish way of trying to justify something. Is it a big deal? Yes because your still legally a child. What happens if you get pregnant? What you considered birth control (pulling out before ejaculation doesnt work BTW)?Just because your over the age of consent doesn't mean you are mature enough or sensible enough, despite what we all think at your age. OP his parents might be fine with the idea of their son sleeping with someone in their home but hes a 19 year old adult. Your a 17 year old girl. Your parents know that there's a world of difference in the life experience and maturity of a 19 year old compared to a 17 year old! "we have discussed having sex, and we do want to, but only when the time is right, which may or may not be when I possibly stay at his."Erm...if your sharing a bed your gonna have sex no matter whether you are ready or not! Better make sure you have your birth control sorted out fast!"But the way I see it, they can't stop me if it's what I want, because if me and my boyfriend want to have sex, we'll find a way anyway"OP you can legally have sex, have a baby, and in a few more months you can buy a house, emigrate, or get married. BUT that's not to say that you should. You might think you are an adult but you are still very young. I know you will find this patronizing but its true than nobody under about 23 is going to have the maturity, life experience and level headed realistic outlook on life to make those kind of commitments work. Lots of my friends married, or had kids or bought houses at 18, 19 and now they are all divorced, single parents and living back with mom and dad because they now realize how young and naive they were.Look at the bigger picture: both your boyfriend and his family are encouraging you to lie to your parents. Apart from that being not very nice and potentially causing your parents to see you as a liar, there's another issue you probably havent spotted: if both he and his family are willing to lie to your mom and dad, do you not think he and his family might lie to you?? See as an older, more experienced person i would see that red flag a mile off. Plus if his parents are willing to have a child under the age of 18 have sex in their house with their adult son, knowing full well that the child's parents believe shes sleeping in a spare room, what does that say about them? What does it say about their sense of morals and responsibility bearing in mind they are older and wiser than both of you?"But what I really want to know is how to actually ask my parents if it would be alright to stay over at his?"Well i wouldn't even entertain asking them if its okay to sleep in the spare room as they are not daft OP! They will know full well that it wont be a spare room you are sleeping in. You might be naive but they are not. If its a long distance relationship, and your serious enough to be thinking about sex, then your old enough to be thinking about proper travel plans. I suggest either your parents or his pick you up and drop you home one weekend daytime. To say you'll have to sleep with someone and lie to your parents to make a £12.50 bus fare worth your while is ridiculous and so silly! Im sure you could go early on a sunday or saturday and have a three hours or so and then get home okay. I suspect, with my eagle eye, that your boyfriend will have said something like "My parents really want to meet you so much but are only free on the evenings so you wouldn't have time to get home" Yes i bet they are keen to meet you!! Op sounds like this lad is trying to get his rocks off under the pretense of his parents desperately wanting to see you but you having no way home or only being able to spend an hour there!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2013): "So how do I ask them if I can stay at his house? I want to ask them in a way that shows them that I'm grown up and can make my own decisions, but at the same time still check it's okay with them..."Ask your parents if they think they're old enough to become grandparents.In other words, you're asking the impossible. No responsible parents would allow their teenage daughter to sleep under the same roof as her boyfriend, and his parents' willingness to lie to your parents about the sleeping arrangements does not reflect favorably on either them or him. Apparently his parents think they are old enough to be grandparents since they're willing to provide him with a golden opportunity to knock you up. If you think you're old enough to move out of your parents' house and shack up with your boyfriend, then move out of your parents' house and shack up with your boyfriend. Otherwise don't lie to your parents.
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