A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is another of those teacher/pupil situations... Please don't lecture me, because the damage is already done!Basically I've been obsessively crushing on a teacher for over a year now, I got very depressed last year - I even considered giving up my own life. I couldn't ever be with him, and with that being the reality, the pain became unbearable. I can remember dozens of times when I broke down at school, I made excuses that it was to do with an ill family member - It was partly true but I had to exaggerate to convince people I had a reason to be upset. Of course I would tell my close friends the real problem but they just didn't understand.I decided to see a councellor, which went okay. She offered to tell the teacher for me and without much consideration I said 'yes'. (Sorry for being brief, If I went into detail I'd be writing forever)So... my teacher was now aware of my feelings for him, However, I wasn't satisfied and wrote a letter to him earlier this year explaining how I felt and I even offered reassurance that I would never attempt to seduce him or anything along those lines and although I get the massive urge to do so, I will keep my promise.The consequences did hurt, I never knew such an innocent letter would land me in a meeting with the headteacher and my parents. It was humiliating and the teacher avoided me for some time afterwards, understandably. I also got punished by my parents and well things became really awkard at first but almost 3 months have gone by and thankfully, the situation has now become easier with time.Now... this is where I need help. During this upcoming summer I've got prom night, I want to talk to him and apologise. But all the teachers know about what happened so I'll probably be suspicously watched. I know most of your opinions will be to NOT go anywhere near the guy, but I really need to do this. We haven't really spoken to each other since the incident and I just wanna say sorry... that's all! Would I need to inform another teacher before approaching him? It's just awkward, I feel as though there's a barrier between us now. I'd need to talk to him alone aswell, would the other teachers trust me with this? I know I've made him feel awkward around me and I just feel so guilty about it. It means alot to me that I say something before I leave the school for good!I'll appreciate all of yur help! x
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (9 April 2008):
 This poster doesn't really want any advice, she never has listened to any of it in the past posts she's written and trust me she's written many. Might as well move onto others who really want some help.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 April 2008):
 The teacher needs you to stay away from him, this should be very clear to you by now.
If you really feel the need to apologize to him formally, write a very brief note, and give it to your parents to give to the head to pass on to the teacher.
Otherwise, you are seriously courting more grief for yourself and more trouble for the teacher.
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A
female
reader, Love_is_all_youu_need +, writes (9 April 2008):
 To the previous poster,
Okay, I know you think my idea is stupid! I'm gonna say what I have to say under supervision... yeah?
I honestly don't see it as a big deal, all i'm doin is apologising because I feel that i need to! Then that's it, maybe i'll never even see him again after that night!
And as for the comments you made on my name and icon, is there any need for that? My icon is just a little joke, obviously you don't have a sense of humour Plus, my name 'Love is all you need' - It isn't refering to my teacher right? It symbolises different love, like the kind you have with family. Where would we be if we weren't loved and cared for?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): Little LadyI hope you take the good advice given to you by the mature male aunts/uncle on this site, as you still don't seems to be getting the point.If I remeber right you have been posting for months,did someone give you the advice to write a letter to this teacher? if so then look where it got you embaressed and in BIG TROUBLE!The school, teacher and your parents are all correct and you still haven't learned your leasson look at your name and the little box beside NO love is not all you need and as for the other "some call it stalking I call it love" please get a grip, if you spent more time on you school work as you did on this teacher maybe you could put all this behind you, but you THINK you know whats best for the teacher!!! c'mon you are obsessed and really nned serious help, hopefully you get it before you get in anymore trouble.
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A
female
reader, Love_is_all_youu_need +, writes (2 April 2008):
I'd just like to thank EVERYONE for all the advice, I'm still undecided as to what to do but I've got about 3 months until the event. Which gives me time to think it through!
I think these are about the only choices:
- Apologise to him under supervision at Prom
- Pass a message onto another teacher, who can then tell him i'm sorry
- Go back and apologise after I've left the school
- Leave it
I want to do what's best for us both, I thought maybe he'd appreciate an apology? And i'd feel hell of alot better if I did! Which is why I don't wanna 'leave it' - I just can't see that happening. Everytime I see him I want to say something, and it's just torture not being able to!
xx
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (2 April 2008):
 Ok well, i kind of get it now. He was right to tell the school because he could get in trouble for not bringing that to attention but i think your parents overreacted a little.
So onto the problem, I'm thinking he would prefer it if you didnt approach him. Maybe you could tell one of the other teachers you're sorry and ask if they could let him know? But I really think that approaching him at prom or anywhere else is just gonna get you in more trouble. He will have been told that he has to let your headteacher know about any contact with you and is not to be with you unsupervised. Teachers really have to cover their backs big time in situations like this.
You will just upset yourself at your prom because he will more than likely tell you not to talk to him or he will just walk away from you which will hurt. And he'll also have to report that you tried to talk to him about it again.
I know you wouldnt do this, but the textbook reason is that girls with crushes on teachers which are unrequited often get mad and make things up, accusing the teacher of affairs or inappropriate behaviour. He probably knows you wouldnt do that but he has to avoid you because that is standard procedure to protect himself from any slander or rumour.
I really think you should just leave it alone. You will get him in more trouble and will land yourself in more with your parents. Even though it seems strange, apologising will only make things worse in this situation.
But if you really feel you need to apologise for what you did let someone else do it for you - not a student. Perhaps you could even say it to the headteacher?
And dont drink if you dont trust yourself when drunk around him.
take care
Brooke
x
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A
female
reader, RunsWithScissors +, writes (1 April 2008):
First of all, your parents should have been more understanding. You are craving the positive attention of a man which is normal, and my guess is that you're not getting that at home, which is why you started having a major crush on this teacher. It's your emotion's way of letting you know you're lacking something...and that's not your fault. Secondly, the counselor shouldn't have told the teacher. She's the adult and should've known better, you had no experience with this so you wouldn't have known how that would've turned out. It was her job to have more sense and to get to the root of your feelings and to help you resolve them. Thirdly, don't beat yourself up about the letter, it was your way of reaching out and trying to make sense of your feelings and to try and control them. Sure, there were some embarrassing consequences but at your age there is no way you'd have been able to predict that. You are a teenager just trying to feel your way through a difficult situation. I understand that you want to make things right between you and this teacher, my guess is that you developed feelings for him because he's a nice guy and perhaps showed you kindness. Now you feel badly for causing him trouble and want to set things straight. But sometimes in life we have to selfless and do what's right for the other person, this is probably one of those times. You know that other people will be suspicious if you approach him, and you will put him in an uncomfortable position. The one male teacher who posted here makes a point, this teacher has to protect himself...not necessarily from you, but from others' accusations. And really, you need to protect yourself too. People love to gossip (yes, teachers gossip about their students) don't give them any fuel for the fire. My advice is to find a good counselor OUTSIDE of school and sort through why all this happened. You have an unmet need that isn't being fulfilled at home, this isn't your fault but you need to work through it so you can have healthy relationships in the future. Once you work through these things then you can consider talking to that teacher someday. You'll have a much clearer picture of things and you may just decide at that point that there's no need. And like one poster said, waiting until you're out of school might be better, you'll both have a lot different perspective then. You're not a bad person for having feelings for your teacher, it's not uncommon and is part of growing up, just be sure you work through what's at the root of that. Teachers know this is a hazard of the profession, they are the adults and will handle it. Let them.
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A
female
reader, Love_is_all_youu_need +, writes (1 April 2008):
Hi, I'm the original poster. (I'm signed into my account this time) I understand that many of you think it would be more respectful to stay away, but I really want to do this - It isn't just for my benefit, it's for his aswel. I feel genuinely guilty for my actions and I want him to know this! I suppose expecting to be alone with him is out of the question, I just thought it would be more comfortable for me but that's just selfish, I have to respect his position and how awkward he'd feel with us being alone together. So I probably will inform someone, perhaps to supervise us - despite me being at no risk to him at all, but just say I have a bit to drink at the prom then I might not behave so innocently... In which case it would be vital someone else is there too.And Brooke, you do have the whole story. I got told at the meeting that if he'd have not reported me that his job would be at risk, so he had to do what he did. Even though it was innocent. My parents punishing me wasn't to do with the uncontrolled feelings I have for him, it was due to the inappropriateness (If that's spelt right) of writing a letter to him, I thought they were been harsh really but they are strict and were annoyed that I hadn't informed them about it first. Hope I've made things more clear xx
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (1 April 2008):
 Hi there,
Well I was a high school teacher and at one stage I also had a young girl who used to follow me around everywhere ( including home where she would wait outside!)
So I believe I can offer some good advice.
First, you feel you need to apologise to him before you leave school. Why? This worries me just a little bit as you are much better off apologizing after you leave school that way you can both laugh it off. But wanting to do it while you are still at school just leaves me with the impression that you feel you have unfinished business with this teacher , and this is why nobody will take this request very well. They will see it as such - a young girl still obsessed with her teacher.
Schools are very protective of young girls , but also they are very concerned as a lot of men do not want to teach these days as they are worried about girls making accusations against them which will ruin their lives. So schools are very protective of their male teachers if a female student is trying to be over friendly. They want to protect their students but they also need to keep male's interested in teaching, so their reaction may have seemed quite furious when they found out. but it is the current climate we live in.
Here in your own words:
"However, I wasn't satisfied and wrote a letter to him earlier this year explaining how I felt .."
Oh boy!! earlier this year? this means weeks ago doesnt it? And you wonder why he doesnt want to talk to you? And this besides the fact that you have ignored the Counsellors advice - everyone will be aware of this - unfortunately for you they will see you as a risk factor who needs to be constantly watched.
You see as a teacher myself young girls can be very persistent, you are not the first girl to have a crush on your teacher but these stories rarely end well. Mud sticks, and the teacher can be accused of leading you on, or even worse the student in a fit of rage can end up accusing the teacher of molestation ( and this is often a common occurence when a teacher rejects a student). So you have to accept that this teacher is thinking of his career and his life when he wants nothing to do with you, it is nothing personal , you are a young girl with your whole life ahead of you, he is a teacher whose career and life can be wiped out if you make accusations against him. And teenage girls are notoriously fickle, one moment they love you the next they hate you, can you blame any man for not wanting to talk to you if he thinks you could turn on him?
So I'm sorry to say but you are going to have to let it go, if you insist on trying to apologise all it is going to do is make you seem like you are desperate to be involved with him and nobody is going to take kindly to that given your track record - you may even be expelled from school.
Give it time, all will be forgotten eventually. But you have to let him go, just leave him alone, you can put all this behind you after you leave school, but leave him be for now otherwise you are only going to get yourself in more trouble.
I'm sorry to give you the hard facts, but you are playing grown up games with peoples livelihoods at stake you cannot expect people to react the way you see things - there are consequences for your actions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): If I were you I would talk to the headteacher tell him/her that you need to say your sorry or you will never let this go and you want his/her present at the time to protect yourself and the teacher.
hope this works out for you
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (1 April 2008):
I'm just gonna ask really quick, is that the whole story? cos i dont think i get why writing a letter saying you have feelings for someone but have absolutely no intention of acting on them landed you in a meeting with your parents and the headteacher, and why you got punished for having feelings you have no control over but for not acting on them. Especially if the teacher already knew because a counsellor had told him (which i also dont really understand what they were hoping to achieve by doing so).
Just wanna check I have the whole story before I offer advice.
Brooke
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): well yes i do think you need to apologize but talk to someone first before you do and i understand you couldnt take the boundary between you two but you still shouldnt have done it.thats what alot of us do and its a mistake....if you would have wanted him to know your feelings you should have let him know little by little....but forknow try to stay away from him far as possible and respect him most of all forif you reallylove someone youll respect them
feel free to p.m me anytime
angelmorena05
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