A
female
age
41-50,
*aresha
writes:After my last "almost-relationship" (see the question "He's with another woman, but still comes to me to talk about sex!"), a big heartache and working through it and analysing my life and relationships with guys I do realise that I am "just not girlfriend material".People just have a hard time loving me. I don't know why because I am a great woman but it just is what it is. It is the reaction I have always gotten within my life.If I want a guy I would get him into bed, they really like to be around me, be friends with me and stuff but there is just something missing. It has always been like that so I am pretty sure it was not just one "wrong guy".It's just me. Not bad looking but not a model either. Very feminine with some social difficulties, I might behave a little geeky here and then.I am very open about sex and willing to try a LOT. When it comes to my attitude towards sex I might be the dream girl of a lot of men ;)I am thoughtful and creative when it comes to people who are dear to my heart. Very loyal and spontaneous as far as it is not hurting my duties.I have a beautiful son at the age of 5, am in retraining. Not much money and I am "really" a Single Mom. As there is nobody who can babysit I usually do not get out a lot. Without money and with a full time job I do not get to enroll in activities for my son.Meeting new people is somewhat limited to me and I lost pretty much all of my friendships whilst being pregnant/with baby in university.All in all I am pretty okay with the way my life is going although I am pretty much alone. I think that it is a brilliant thing how I manage my career and my son without any help. (The boys father is there for him once a week. I do encourage their relationship and they are good together but I do not depend on him and therefore can only ask to babysit on special occasions). My parents take my son for a week in summer. They are brilliant with him but there is a geographical distance between us for a reason.All in all I am darn proud of how I deal with my life and how I am. And I am not willing to change into someone completely else for a man!The thing is that I do not want sex without love anymore. Had that maybe too much in the past, don't want it anymore. That would be fine but as soon as the biological need arises my emotions are not under control anymore.I even cannot masturbate alone anymore because as soon as it comes close to an orgasm my emotions break down on me. I miss having some adult partner to trust, to come home to, to share the happy and the sad moments in life. Someone who just holds me from time to time. I can do a lot by myself I am just longing for a moment now and again that I get the feeling that I do not HAVE to do it all by myself. I never really had that, I only got a glimpse of what it might be like.I cannot shake that feeling that I want to be loved by someone other than my son. (He is the only person who ever told me he loved me and I smile writing about that. He is fabulous!)I know that wanting a relationship is quite normal but for me it is starting to be a real problem as it turns into a physical need as soon as I feel the need to get rid of my biological needs.Additionally I get the feeling that with "only 29" I have missed my opportunity. I have not had the chance yet to learn how to deal with romantic emotions, with relationship stuff and being loved. In conversations about relationships and stuff it happens a lot that my opinion is looked at as "different". Sometimes too rational, obviously inexperienced.It hurts to know that I am not girlfriend material but I can live my life pretty good without a man. I like my freedom, too. But I also am a woman with a big heart and an open spot there who is actually aching for someone to fill it.How can I deal with that emotion,get rid of it, close that chapter of desperation which I kind of hate ... how can I get rid of that depressing little thing that messes with me being happy with an otherwise good enough life that I handle okay?
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female
reader, Caresha +, writes (25 June 2010):
Caresha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys. Gives me a lto of things to think about.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 Yos is completely right.. sorry to say, but you don't sound confident and sexually adventurous at all. Instead you sound insecure, using your sexuality as a false mask to make yourself sound strong and brave.
I'm sexually confident too. I also have no time for games and messing arround. But sex doesn't come into a conversation I'm having with a man who I am considering as a dating partner. I want to be respected for who I am, and that includes my brains because I'm more than just "sex on legs".
That's where I feel you may be going wrong. In this post, you keep talking about sex, as if that is your whole reason for being. People make assumptions about the way you are by the way you express yourself. You talk about sex, so they assume that's all you want and they don't think about you in terms of a serious relationship.
I know this hurts, and you will deny that this is the case.
I like when guys call me lady or godess and talk about me in terms of marriage. It's a stupid guy who is arround me and dares to start a conversation about sex. If you want to be taken seriously and be seen as girlfriend material, then change your conversation. You like sex, well good for you, but why do you need to tell the whole world? I am good at sex too, but that's only something the guy I'm sleeping with will ever find out about.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 "If men cannot love a woman who is confident when it comes to sex and really loves sex in all possible ways then I guess I cannot be loved.
Rationally the whole thing is ... so easy!"
But you know this is actually irrational right? You are describing a self-reinforcing negative idea that doesn't need to have any relationship to reality... unless you choose to make it so.
Many men love a woman who is confident sexually, including myself. That's not the problem. It must be something else.
Your reactions to feedback here suggest another problem, well, hint at it at least:
Despite advice given, your tone has remained defiant, an almost 'I cannot be helped' attitude. And you keep stating that you are unwilling to change.
My feeling is that your rational image of yourself, and your beliefs as you have described them to yourself, are not an accurate representation of who you are. Rather you have a mental image of who you are, what you like and what you 'stand for' that has a disconnect with your emotional being. The result is emotional turmoil, as you have seen. But also it can make you unapproachable and difficult to connect with, as one can be left with the sense that you're not interacting with the 'real' person.
I have known several people in this place in their lives, and i have been there too.
Consider it, perhaps its the case.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 I wouldn't be that negative about yourself. Maybe it's me, but in your post I don't find any clues as to what can be the matter with you, if there is any, that is. I wonder if your analysis of the situation is the right one.
I do like the fact that you call your own shots and are able to live on your own. That is a good quality. And then, if you were a supermodel then many men wouldn't like you. Supermodels tend to be anorexic and men don't like that.
Perhaps you've been looking for guys in the wrong places?
Where I live, a woman with a child needs to be more careful with choosing a partner. Not just because the child is involved, but, also, because many men won't want the added responsibility of looking after a child.
Just an idea.
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A
female
reader, Caresha +, writes (23 June 2010):
Caresha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSwootnez, I am not really sure what you are saying. If it is that everything else besides a romantic relationship is more important and should be focused on ... that is what I do!
Yos and Ampersand - thank you a lot for your time. I know that you are right to some extend. But I do not feel like I "offered" myself right away. I might go on to be more open about sexuality and give men the feeling that I am willing to try out a lot and that I am direct and open but it is not like I tell them on a first date that they might get lucky tonight.
And I actually like myself as a sexually confident woman, I do not want to play stupid games and act like i am a lot mor prude than I am. I do not jump on a guy on the first date but I do not feel like myself playing a game and selling a more prude woman than I am.
If a man cannot love me as I am I will die alone. I would be happier that way than faking to be something I am not!
If men cannot love a woman who is confident when it comes to sex and really loves sex in all possible ways then I guess I cannot be loved.
Rationally the whole thing is ... so easy!
The problem is that I have no idea how to deal with my emotional longing for a partner.
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A
male
reader, smootnezz  +, writes (23 June 2010):
well, first of all i think that you have done everything right by accepting that you love your life and can live without a man. that is the begining of getting rid of this problem.
i am telling you from my own experience. i had to deal with a lot of self esteem problems after every partner i had always walked away from me without any sensible reasons. then i started reading stuff and learning a lot of things about women and now i know pretty well how to deal wit them.
i'm a short guy so i don't easily get romantic attractions from ladies but i never wanted to accept this fact and kept lying to myself and getting myself hurt by women all the time. i soon learnt to accept this part of me (which is no fault of mine anyway)and found ways of dealing with it.
first i started faking that i did like women and as time went on, i made it. it became a part of me.
am in journalism school now and i take my studies as if all life on earth depended on it and i never go beyond friendship with lady cuz i think i don't need them for anything. i have become so hardened towards relationships that i don't think if i ever go into one again, she will be able to hurt my feelings. not even if she is a nubian princess. but that is not to say that i have no feelings for a woman because it's natural to feel that way.
i am not going to lie to you that you are too hard on yourself for accepting that you are not girlfriend material. others may tell you that, just to make u feel better and continue lying to yourself and getting yourself hurt. your life and your ambitions are more important to you than any man who does not value you. i hope u know that.
there's nothing wrong with your feeling of needing a man. that is natural and there's nothing you can do to change it. just make up your mind on being independent. if it's not working keep faking it till you make it.
to me, there's no woman more attractive than a woman who values herself and is independent of men. i know many men think the same way too. just give yourself some time and the right man will come. maybe not too soon. but so what? life is too short to be unhappy all the time. hope i've been able to help.
just drop me a message anytime you need someone to talk to. i will be willing to help. take care.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (23 June 2010):
That's a bit sad to read. Reading it I don't think you are not girlfriend material. I think you maybe have lived in a way that has not involved meeting your emotional needs: not treating yourself with the kindness you deserve.
Perhaps you are going into the beginnings of relationships the wrong way with men?
I know it is a cliche, but men are hunters. And the harder we have to hunt for something, the more of a prize we believe it to be. If you jump into bed quickly with a guy, he's much more likely to lose interest in you. He'll think because you were easy to catch, you're not worth keeping. For that reason it's really worth making a guy work to get you into bed. It also gives the time to create intimacy and trust (which you are clearly in need of) in a gentle way, rather than the false rush you get through quick sex. Plus if he was only after sex anyway... then he will get bored and leave.
You deserve to have someone to love you and hold you. Focus on that, rather than the sex. If you have the love and intimacy, then the sex becomes deeper and more meaningful and real.
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