A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently discovered that my wife has been having a sexual affair with a single friend of ours for the past three years, usually when I was at work.... he is single and has had girlfriends in this three year period..She knew this because he came over to my house for barbecues on two occasions with different girls... ...During this period my wife and I were having sex, even though at times it was non existant due to us fighting with each other over something..I NEVER HAD A CLUE, I FEEL SO STUPID...My question is this...How could she have a three year sexual affair with this guy, and still have sex with me?? What feelings does a cheating wife experience? Do these affairs usually end up badly?? I found out that their affair had cooled off for a couple months around the time I found out, but that SHE started calling HIM and hanging up if he didnt answer and SHE was driving by his apartment to see if it appeared if he was home or not...What do you think?
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male
reader, sleepwalker +, writes (10 April 2017):
I believe your wife posted here about a month ago. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-was-cheating-and-my-husband-found-out.html#provide_answerThere are men and women who can compartmentalize sex from love. Your wife seems to be one of these people. She also seems to possess a very high sexual drive. She had no problem having sex with the two of you because she was never emotionally attached to her lover like she was with you. The fact that she was aware that her lover had a girlfriend(s) and was not bothered by it, is proof.Your options are:1. If you believe that you cannot live with her betrayal then divorce is the answer.2. If you love her and are not traumatized by her sharing her body with another man, then you should consider sexual and couples counseling to create a new marriage that will be mutually satisfactory in which she will no longer be tempted to cheat again. You may even want to consider an open marriage.Do not allow anybody, including yourself, to pressure you into a hurried and life altering decision. Give yourself some time so that when you are ready you can then feel comfortable with your decision as far as the fate of your marriage.Good luck.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 December 2016):
 Have you sat down and spoke with her? Asked her what made her do it, how she could have sex with you both? Are you staying with your wife or have you thought off leaving?
In reality my next step would be to get a sti check if he was also sleeping with multiple partners. Then I would decide what the future holds. Me personally I could not forgive a cheating spouse, but you might be different to me, I personally know that I could never get over it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2016): When the marriage was celibate, thats approximately the same as taking a job as a housekeeper!I should imagine all the lies were acts of kindness because you didnt want hubby to feel deserted. The fact that your current partner holds it against you now is outrageous!He had his cake and now he's eating his righteous hold over you!Your first situation was rubbish and if your current hubby doesnt respect you then he is just trying it on to have the upper hand because he was the power behind the force that manipulated you into cheating.Nothing wrong with taking responsibility but if this is still held over your head now then it is utter madness on their part not yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2016): I think cheating partners compartmentalise their emotions, rather like changing tv channels.If you think about it she didnt like the lonliness of house cleaning and felt a lack of worth which she tried to change by cheating.That way she felt more glamorous and worthy. Maybe she felt overshaddowed by your success or your good looks so she needed to boost her self esteem in her eyes.And finally maybe she needed to have a secret.Maybe she has always had a secret in her life and it is what she was used to.Possibly it was an earlier liason prior to meeting you.The emotions that motivated her would be mainly negative emotions and that would be the product of her earlier life, maybe even her formative years.It is extremely unlikely that she will ever explain this to you because she wont know exactly what motivated her.Perhaps if you have any confessions to make then now is the time.The most you can hope for is acceptance and peaceful maturity and the knowledge that human nature is extremely complicated and we are generally not the judge and jury on their actions.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (23 December 2016):
 Heart goes out to you mate, that a horrible and hurtful thing to have to deal with. Trusting your wife is no stupid act, thats the fundamentals of marriage and you are NOT STUPID by a long shot. That of course would depend on how you handle things from now on. Believing anything she has to offer as an excuse would be stupid- there is no excuse. Cheaters excuses are just like arseholes, they all have one and they all stink. Now to your question. How can she have sex with him and you for 3 years? Because she is a selfish and smug woman. My guess, from what you post, is she is far more emotionally invested if she is doing drive bys and acting like a silly school girl with the phone calls. That to me seems she is concerned or jealous of her competition. I think when there is a very big difference between a one night stand and a very deliberated affair. Not that I discount either, but a moment of madness, I think has redeemable potential. I have been you and if I were ever to find myself in this situation again I would not bother with trying to navigate through all that is trying to deal with the aftermath of an affair. At the time you think knowing the ins and outs is important, it's not it's just painful imagery that plays on loop in your head. Staying in the relationship, is just prolonging the inevitable and that is realising that your time is now spent living in a hyper vigilant state of being. Hold your head high by knowing you deserve better. Walk away quickly, quietly and to a Lawyer.
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A
female
reader, Nittynora  +, writes (23 December 2016):
 You asked what a cheating wife experiences. I cheated on my first husband, I am married to the man I cheated with. I left my first husband because for 12 years the marriage was celibate and I was desperate for children. My first husband is now dead, I have ALWAYS felt remorse, I have ALWAYS felt shame, I HATE myself for what I did. I am going through months of counselling because I hate myself. But at the time you do just think of yourself no-one else just yourself, you know its wrong but you still do it. You make excuse to justify yourself and your actions. No excuse can justify that you broke your marriage vows. Your wife's affair was planned. I will tell you as a cheater the planning and ingenuity and the lies that are involved in being involved in an affair is unreal. You will never trust her again and why should you? There is a saying if they will cheat once they will cheat again. I would get a good lawyer and get her out, and like Honeypie said make sure she doesn't get a dime. At least I refused to take half of my ex- husbands money and the house. I tell you this and perhaps you can take comfort from it, you wont trust her again. If she ends up with your friend, he wont trust her either. My husband doesn't trust me, because I cheated on my ex-husband with him. After all he has seen what a liar I can be he colluded with me. My husbands brother has always said from day one that I may do it again. I have had to delete my Facebook account because I have been told I am being watched. I have been married to my present husband for 15 years. I wouldn't cheat on him but how does he know that? That's my punishment, I am having my punishment now. What goes around comes around, its called karma. It sounds like your wife was getting a bit obsessed with him (sorry don't mean to upset you). Get them both out of your life x
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 December 2016):
 Your wife's behavior reflects exactly what cheaters in a marriage do. They don't intend leaving their spouse so they continue doing what's expected of them in their marital relationship while also having a good time outside. This is why she was having sex with you, even if she didn't particularly want to.
If she intended leaving you, she would have. She also knew that the other guy was screwing other women and it didn't affect her on any way because for her, he was just a warm body who gave her an exciting orgasm.
What feelings does a cheating wife experience, you ask? Well nothing. They don't feel any remorse or guilt; they don't feel anything at all for their husband. They're just intent on having a good time and making the most of their affair. They become incredibly selfish to the extent that they don't ever stop to think of the hurt that they know they're causing to their partner or their family. They just think of themselves and their pleasure. Mostly there's no emotions involved for their affair partner but it sounds like your wife your wife was starting to expect more.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 December 2016):
 I think if she had stopped to have sex totally with you, you would have known something was up. So she was keeping up appearances with you and maybe? starting fights with you occasionally to avoid sex with you?
I absolutely with BrownWolf, I'd go get a lawyer (a GOOD divorce lawyer) then get all your ducks in a row, legally and otherwise and then divorce her. Preferably in a way where YOU don't end up having to pay HER a dime.
She did this for 3 YEARS! So no matter HOW you look at it, the affair wasn't a mistake. It was deliberate. SHE could have left you and been with him, but she CHOSE to cheat on you instead.
Personally, I'd give a fly's fart about HER feelings and focus on getting over her and her out of MY house.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 December 2016):
 It sounds like you have not had this out with your wife and this so-called "friend" yet. That is something you may need to do to help you move on.
A drunken one night stand or similar is one thing, but a 3 year affair did not "just happen". They planned it, they lied to cover it up. Don't feel bad that you did not know. You are obviously a trusting person and had no reason to look for signs that anything was going on.
I really cannot imagine how you can ever trust your wife (or friend) again.
Sending you HUGS as I can only imagine how you are feeling.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (22 December 2016):
 "What do you think?"
The question is...What are you thinking???
You seem to want to hold on to this even though you know the truth.
I tell you this how ever...A single screw up affair out of anger or resentment can be overlooked. A three year affair... Not even the most forgiving people can handle that.
My advise to you...Get a good lawyer, and get away from her as soon as you can. You really do not want to do something stupid out of hurt pride, anger, or resentment.
You probably say to yourself "I could never hurt her. I love her too much." But people you do not expect things from, are the very ones who do them.
Not having any idea what was going on is one thing...What you do now with what you know...that is the bigger question.
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