A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I don't know if I can post on here but I really need to vent and feel so upset.I got married in October and my husband and I were on a really tight budget, even though we had been saving for 2 years, making sacrifices and working every extra hour we could. We didn't expect anyone to help us out financially- my mother is single (my dad left when I was 2 and I never saw him since) so she lives in a tight budget and helped where she could.My fiancés parents opted to pay for our honeymoon instead of the wedding - 2 weeks in Italy - which was really kind of them.We had around 50 guests and found a converted barn to host our reception.We didn't have much money to splash out on invites, photographer and favours and flowers etc...so we sent our invites out via email and we had a couple of friends who offered to video and photograph our wedding- we also handed out disposable cameras to guests.Our food was buffet during the day and a hog roast in the evening and as favours we did personalised chocolate bars and sweets.My colleague made my wedding cake.We had a family friend doing the dj'ing I got my dress from a charity shop and my fiancé hired his tux.We opted not have any bridesmaids or page boys as there were too many to pick from- which we couldn't afford to have all of them and we didn't want to upset anyone we didn't pick.All in all It was a lovely day- I admit it didn't have the "wow factor" but it was the best we could do without getting in to debt and of course we really appreciated our friends and families help who all pitched in and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.Now my cousin (my mums brothers daughter) got married in January and as my Uncle, who is very wealthy was paying for it all - we knew she'd have an extravagant day.Her day was amazing - no question. Her venue was stunning, there was a 7 course meal, live band, she had real crystal favours, her dress and shoes were designer- in fact her wedding dress and shoes cost more than my entire wedding!She had 250 guests and 10 bridesmaids/ page boys.She had a professional photographer and video. She had a 6 tier wedding cake, ice sculptures, performers, fireworks.... The list goes on! I always knew her wedding would outshine mine- to be honest any wedding would but what really upset me was that all day I could hear family members who had been to my wedding day also, say how "tacky" my day was and that we "could have made more of an effort" and "it wasn't a proper wedding!"I was in the toilets when I heard my 2 aunts saying they couldn't believe how cheap I was to get my dress from a charity shop and it looked cheap and awful.I didn't think it was awful- it was plain- but I don't wear "blingy" things anyway so it suited me perfectly.I knew people would compare but I don't think my day was tacky... It was low budget. Besides the only reason my cousins was so great was because her dad paid for it!! Me and my husband ended up leaving early- I lied and said I had a migraine coming on.When I got in the car I couldn't stop crying... How could people be so rude? Everyone knew our financial situation so I thought they'd be a bit more understanding and cut me some slack.Thanks for reading xx
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (16 April 2016):
I know this was posted a few days ago but I just read it and felt compelled to reply.
It sounds like you did your absolute best to give your guests a good time on your wedding day and I hope you really enjoyed it. You did things the sensible way, by saving up and choosing something in your budget instead of getting into debt.
I think you have some very shallow and insensitive family members, firstly to compare weddings and secondly to insult you! Why not get a wedding dress from a charity shop? Plenty of people buy clothes second hand (including myself!) and many well off people shop there too. It is something that is worn for only 1 day so it is great that you were lucky to find something that not only fitted you but was also your style.
I feel if such people feel that way about an event then they shouldnt have gone to your wedding. You didnt ask them for anything therefore you owe them nothing.
If you are upset (rightly so!) about the comments made then I would say so in a calm manner. They were offensive in how they expressed their opinions. People seem to forget that the wedding is just one day and the marriage is what counts. Your cousins wedding sounds over the top (no offence) and I know which wedding I would have wanted to attend more. Best wishes
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2016): This is the truth I was in a charity shop yesterday and saw a wedding dress for sale and it was totally gorgeous. I thought what a great idea to buy second hand. You have shallow family members. I really really admire that you stuck to your budget. That says heaps more about you both and will stand you absolutely in the right mindset for being married and not getting into debt. Sadly weddings can highlight your enemies. You sound like a beautiful person inside and out. Please be proud!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2016): I got married over 20 years ago. It cost too much I'm not convinced I enjoyed it and my parents paid. I still had bitchy comments. I'm divorced now and if I do marry again it will not be lavish. It will be about love. I can see why people get married just the two of them and a witness. What matters is every day of your relationship from now on. Just do yourself a kind thing and don't be forced any more into the company of these materialistic snobs who seem to know the cost of everything and the 'value' of nothing.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (12 April 2016):
 I'm so sorry you had to hear such hurtful things, luv. That was very unkind. But, don't let it get you down! My good friends got married in black jeans and a lovely (but Wal-mart bought) summer dress respectively. Sounds like a bad sitcom uh? lol We were all broke as heck! We threw a wild party at a friend's house after and that was that. You married a man you love, you had fun. Maybe it wasn't the ritz but it was your special day! In a few years time, my friend is planning to renew his vows with his bride and have more of the "dream wedding" they wanted-which for them means an outdoor affair with more family in attendance. Some people do not understand responsibility or sacrifice. I've heard of couples going into serious debt to pay for an extravagant wedding. Yes, it's a special day but it's not worth paying off until "death do you part." Forgive the pun. They can talk all they want but you dear, focus on the true reason behind the ceremony: love. An expensive wedding doesn't guarantee happily ever after-pick up any gossip magazine and read for yourself how million dollar weddings turn into billion dollar divorces. You know within yourself what's important in life. Hold unto to it and to this new chapter in your life. Congratulations! Wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2016): Weddings are about two people coming together. And its does not matter about the budget its about you growing old together and these days a lot of marriages don't last 5 minutes. You know how many marriages go to the wall. You was senible to budget and not put yourself into debt. Now get on with the rest of your life and congratulations to you both.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2016): WOW!!!Your's is the first wedding that sounds amazingly special and genuine, I am welling up with tears for you, because the words that you heard have come from empty shallow hearts who are supposed to be family. Really your wedding is getting tainted in your mind because of this, Please don't allow that to happen. You should be proud of how you made your wedding special and personalised it. It really does sound romantic, and it's important that those around you who 'helped' to make it special do not hear you talking your wedding day down especially your husband.We are supposed to marry in love, not versace labels and all that comes with it. That is dull and soulless, thus, lifeless a sure road to a doomed marriage based on superficial buff that only lasts a day. I think the only mistake you have made is not letting the two ugly sisters'aunts' know that you heard them. I would inform them that your beautiful charity wedding dress will be handed down through the generations and who knows maybe in a hundred years could end up in direct line with their offspring. I am sure your cousins wedding was also very special but no more special than yours, stop comparing cake layers, did her friend make her cake? NO! but yours did...that's special. Personalised chocolate bars and sweet thank you's, couldn't eat the crystal favours so utterly useless. Get a grip girl and treasure those memories. My Mother went to her wedding on a public bus in a beautiful hand made dress age 21,to marry my father who stood waiting in a registry office in a rented suit and boots with the simplest of ring's. Yes, there life was hell (lol) but they are still together now 60 years later, still skint and fighting each other but they married for love. These memories are special to them and yours should be to you. Don't let a couple of battleaxe's spoil this. Never ever be ashamed of been genuine and natural, the world is full of fake sheeple who are the first to knock people like you. Congratulations for putting marriage before the wedding. Cry for them not you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 April 2016):
 I have no idea why people are so rude. Maybe it's become a custom in your family to throw shit about each other behind their backs. Or maybe it was just your aunts that said this, and no one else agreed, but kept quiet?
Anyway, what you need to remember is that the opinion of others does not define you, nor is it true. Their opinion belongs to them alone. If they have negative views and can say mean things, then that reflects on them being a negative and mean person. It does not say anything about you!
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (11 April 2016):
 A wedding is for two, not for who. Your wedding sounds charmingly simple. What on earth is a 'proper' wedding any way? Nasty pretentious cows...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 April 2016):
 I know I am gonna put my foot in my mouth and say something that may offend you ,because it's a critique to your relatives, and to posters who may have opted for a superfancy wedding- but some times I just CAN'T keep my big mouth shut , so...
.. ? 250 guests ? 10 bridesmaids and pageboys ? Ice sculptures ? ( swan-shaped, I'd bet ) and fireworks and all that jazz ?... That's all ? What happened, they could not convince Sigfried and Roy and the white tiger to come out of retirement ?....
That's EXACTLY how mafia daughters get married here, OP ! If you are a local minor warlord, or drug kingpin, a family wedding is also,or mainly, an occasion to show everybody that you've got clout ,that business is thriving and you CAN .
Now that makes for some showy, interesting weddings - but as for elegance, appropriateness and good taste, the debate is very much open.. So , return the definition "tacky " back to the sender - metaphorically speaking , OP. Don't say anything ; just chuckle inside yourself and think " it takes all kinds... " .
OP, your wedding was lovely ! It was simple, classy, intimate and romantic. And it does not sound as if it was a bit "skimpy " on something ( although, even if it had been so, that would have been a legitimate, reasonable choice. It's your money and your priorities ; you don't OWE anybody to feed them a 7- course dinner ). You provided food and beverages- all day long. You provided music, and a wedding cake. You arranged for favours, even made sure that your guests could have pics as mementos of the evening. You covered all the basics, and some more ! If you got this stuff through friends , rather than professionals- what do they care ? It's none of their business. I bet they ate all the cake up even if it came without the logo of an expensive bakery ! You did the best that you could with your limited budget, which is appreciable anyway, but my point is that, the best that you could was perfectly adequate for any person who attends a wedding with the idea to share a happy moment in the bride's and groom's life, rather than of getting a free pass for a circus performance.
So let these comments slide off your back , and know that if any of your guests was disappointed that's on their lack of style, not on your lack of effort. And if anybody ever brings up the subject again, - promise them that you'll make up to them for your 10th annuversary party ; then you will hire dwarfs, wrestlers and alligators.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2016): aww I'm sorry babe. People have become heartless and superficial in our day. You will have to toughen up because the same people who smile for you will be the people eat you alive when shit hits the fan. I used to be an optimist with people always looking for the good in people but unfortunately their isn't much good left today. So I am now a realist. I still am kind and soft on in the inside but I am clocked with harder exterior and show kindness to only a few select people. I advise you do the same or else you will be in much situations like this through out life. I expect it hurts the most because these are the people you didn't expect to behave this way?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 April 2016):
 Dear OP,
I think you wedding sounds like it was lovely and intimate. JUST what a wedding should be (unless you are a celebrity, super rich or a royal).
Weddings have over the years (specially the last maybe 30?) become more and more costly and they often feel more like a competition than a celebration of life long commitment.
I think you should be proud of the day you and your husband made for yourselves and your guests on your wedding day. Staying within a budget, saving up for the day I think shows a commitment to each other and hopefully that will shine through your whole marriage.
I have been to a couple of "home made" weddings. No wedding coordinator, no insanely pricey wedding dresses, cakes, venues etc. And they were lovely, they were SUCH a reflection of the couple themselves, which I think make it 100X better.
And I have been to a couple of the "glamour" weddings. While it looked pretty, it just didn't feel as comfortable and the more relaxed versions.
And then there was the destination wedding, which was lovely... but costly for EVERYONE.
There is no LAW that says the more a wedding costs the better the marriage will be. It's the same with a engagement ring. The bigger the diamond doesn't equate to the better the groom.
Your cousin was lucky that her Dad was able to give her the wedding she got. Hopefully she will appropriate that forever. Doesn't mean her wedding was "better", it was just a different style.
As for your two aunts, MAN I would have called them on their rudeness RIGHT then and there. BET you they didn't contribute a dime to either your or your cousin weddings so them being callous and bitchy is neither here nor there. Man, I would have LOVED to call them on it.
Don't feel bad. Some people (like your aunts) are just not really in touch with reality.
As for where you got your dress, WHO cares?! If you loved it and it was within your budget - screw what their think. Personally, I have NEVER seen the point of wasting $5,000-30,000 on a dress you wear ONE day only!! Even if I had the money.
Not going into DEBT to have a wedding is also very wise.
Don't think your wedding somehow isn't as good as your cousins. It was. It showed thoughtfulness and commitment.
Chin up.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (10 April 2016):
I can't add much to what the other aunts have said below, especially WiseOwlE. But I will say that - from all description - I would much rather have attended your wedding than your cousin's "purchased and pretentious show." I'll bet anything that your marriage outlasts your cousin's. You and your husband obviously have great love for each other. Try to forget the rude comments...they come from people without class, which your wedding obviously had.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2016): Oh sweetie, my heart truly goes out to you. I do want you to realize something. It was your special day and you cannot allow anyone to take that away from you. There are definitely going to be opinions, because people will be people. It boils down to rudeness and ignorance; because it's socially acceptable to be foul and thoughtlessly outspoken. It's a sign of the times we're in.
Big splashy weddings come before tumultuous divorces. Love is what goes into a wedding, not always a lot of cash and professional planning. That's only for show. Some weddings are more intimate and down-played; because the focus is on the joining of two people. Not how well you can please the crowd. You did what you could afford, but the most important thing is you shared a special day and it happened because you want to spend the rest of your life with the man you adore. That's all that matters, isn't it?
Naturally after attending an extravaganza, there will be comparisons made. You should have been prepared for that.
The only problem was overhearing the comments; which from where I sit was heartbreaking and insensitive. How much did those aunts pay for their weddings? Were their gowns designer gowns? How many guests did they accommodate? It's easy to gossip about someone else, but always consider the source and look back at what their weddings were like and make your own comparisons. If there isn't a lot of money in your family, they all had weddings on shoestring budgets.
It hurt you maybe too much out of a little envy you hold for your cousin. I'd say, lets see who's marriage is worth the most. Love enriches your marriage, not how much you put into the wedding.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2016): People are cruel! Im sorry you overheard what you did. At the end of the day a wedding is about a marriage- a life long commitment - not a party on the day.
I was in a similar situation with a family friend last year-she got married abroad & had a spectacular wedding - I was unable to go however a few mutual friends went & compared it to a celebrity wedding, saying it was the best wedding they had ever been too . Her photos on Facebook were stunning I admit, everything really did look perfect. Unlike your cousin who had everything paid for, she & her fiancé paid for the majority of it& fair play to them, they had the money.
I admit I felt a bit jealous as my wedding was in May last year & hers in July (same year, 2 months apart) so the same mutual friends who came to mine, went to hers & it was obvious they preferred hers but what can you do?
In your case family members were just so cruel & obnoxious -clearly snobs!!! I would have had to say something to them if I overheard what you did but respect to you for not retaliating & being sensible & not getting in to debt as most bride & grooms do.
I wish you & your new husband all the best for the future.
Chin up X
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A
female
reader, allthatjazz +, writes (10 April 2016):
 I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I had to commend you for many things - one, for showing up at your cousin's wedding even though you know a part of you is going to hurt; two, for being responsible enough to plan a wedding well within your means; three, for being classy enough to hold it in, without saying a word to erring family members; four, for showing such humility; and, lastly, for marrying someone who loves you and who clearly loves you back so much so that you can be completely honest with him. Congratulations and best wishes to you and your husband. Now what I want for the both of you to do is to take the pain as a motivating factor to dream about all the good things in life, to focus and work hard for them and celebrate your 10th year wedding anniversary exactly how you would have dreamed of having it the first time. Much love.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (10 April 2016):
 I think they're more "cruel" than just plain rude. Why do weddings bring out the worst in people? You can't invite only people who you want because family you never see and never hear from get upset and you have to have people's kids there or those people will get annoyed. You have to have wedding favours and you have to pay for every single head in attendance and all people want to do is judge you.
Why are people so ugly???
It was your day and it was beautiful to you. The fact you had a wedding despite not being able to afford to impress everybody shows that the wedding was more about love and marriage than fireworks and a party for people who are too ignorant to know what weddings are supposed to be about.
They have no right to judge what you did, where you were or what you wore. You had a beautiful happy day and were smart enough to not get into debt or anything over it. You should feel so proud of yourselves for being smart about it.
I'd be livid and upset if I were you too. Don't let them get to you. People who demand bells and whistles on a wedding can't see strength and love in marriage and relationships. That's sad for them. If they had ever felt real love then theyd be more understanding. I can't believe they knew of your financial situation and still judge you. Take it as a reminder to not bother including them in future celebrations. And if they ever question it you can tell them you heard their opinion and don't need such people in your life. Shame on them.
Please don't feel the need to compare yourself to this other wedding, which sounds ott and a bit ridiculous. Just be happy in your marriage and keep good memories of your day. People who think badly of it can eff-off.
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