A
female
age
,
*dinl
writes:I decided to end my relationship with my alcholic boyfriend 3 months ago - we were together over 5 years, living and working together 24/7. He spent a week in hospital early in 2007 where he underwent detox and suffered the most dreadful hallucinations and I supported him every step of the way to stay off the booze. That lasted for 6 weeks, slowly but surely he is back up to 20 pints a day, every day. He rarely appears drunk, I guess because his body is so used to it. The violence and abuse worsened again, interspersed with bouts of the most gentle, generous and loving behaviour you could imagine. But enough was enough. I truly believed that he loved me so much that, by ending it, he would hit rock bottom, seek help and we could then make it work.I found out three weeks ago (2 weeks before he was due to move out of the house) that he had been having either an emotional and/or physical affair with a young pretty, needy barmaid at our pub for 5 weeks. It has devasted me. Despite everything, I never had him down as unfaithful. I threw him out that day. We have had little contact apart from one evening a week ago where he was very upset, said that nothing had gone on with her until he had left the home, asked if there was any chance for us, said he had lost the best thing that had ever happened to him etc etc. Next day I heard that they had declared their love for each other, and now they are an item. How could he do this? How could he be in love so soon? I am a strong, intelligent woman who knows I can work through this, but right now the pain is unbearable. We had a fantastic sex life, and the thought of him now sharing this with her and giving her good times when he gave me hell is just awful. So sorry to sound so sorry for myself, but if anyone out there can help me to understand, I would be so grateful.
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female
reader, adinl +, writes (30 December 2007):
adinl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA big thanks to those who have taken the time to reply to my question. It's great to know that there are people out there who give a damn when someone is upset - it lifts the heart to know that there is kindness in the world.
A
male
reader, Uraz  +, writes (30 December 2007):
 Reading your post, I can readily agree, you are an intelligent well read lady. So it is time to be strong too. Because, although you clearly see the mental state of this man, you are not able to take his behaviour.
Most of his brain cells are already damaged because of 20 pints of beer he had been taking and it is only normal that he would be unstable and unpredictable.
Although you have sacrificed for him a great deal and you are right to expect from him gratefulness, you have to realize also that this man is half sick in his mind.
You are getting offended and a little jealous (rightly so in many respects) but you should control your emotions and know you deserve and you can have better, much better.
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A
male
reader, dc.ryan +, writes (30 December 2007):
 Hello,
Unfortunately alcoholism can seriously change anyone, and even after (if) they recover from it - their personality can still be severely adjusted. It can generate a lot of emotions, a lot of mixed feelings and an incredible amount of depression/doubt - and yet, you was with him all the way through his ordeal (which is truely amazing as it must of been terribly hard for you).
I think you've done all you can for him, and it time to perhaps let things go - and let him carry on with what he wants to do (as its clearly making him happy) - but I think its unfair that you've been left like this, after all you've done for him. Its just a shame he has resulted back to drink, which I think must of caused this - which I'm sorry to say.
You'll probably find he swings between you and other women in future, but you've got to blank this out - and carry on with your life; there are still plenty of opportunities out there for you - unfortunately not with this particular guy.
I wish you the very best in luck, and hope you work things out.
Ryan
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A
male
reader, Roosevelt  +, writes (29 December 2007):
I am so sorry you are going through this. But as you said he is a " alcholic ".
My dad is one also, and I believe it is part of what caused my mom to become mentally ill. he did many things that still don't make any since. They did split, but it wasn't nice. How can it ever be, when both have problems that are even more distorted by their personal problems.
Try not to let his actions eat away at you. No matter what you do, you will only suffer.
Moving on and accepting his action are not of a sane body/mind/soul, is my suggestion.
It is like the rabid dog. You love him/her but the dog isn't able to control his illness, and will bite and infect you without knowing it is doing something bad.
he has done the same to you, he has taken a bite out of your heart/soul, and you are sick because of it. If he can not leave the booze, even with your help, he will keep biting you infecting your heart/soul.
You must separate yourself, Treat your infected heart/soul.
No matter what, do what's best for yourself. Even if he knows what he is doing is wrong or bad, his illness will cont. to control him, and hurt you.
I can only pray you can become strong enough to do what you must.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): Hi poster
You have descibed the typical boozer always puts himself first!
Everytime you want him back THINK violence and abuse thats what you'll get everytime, so will the barmaid when they settle into their new life!
This guy has done you the biggest favour you will ever recieve belive it as he will on;ly get worse not better. Funny my drunken ex had affair with a barmaid, they spend soo much time at the pub we tell he sh'e welcome and all the best cause she'll need it.
Please do not even consider to take this thing back it will cause you so much more heartache as well as mental angush deal with it all now, and move on with your life, he only loves the booze.
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A
female
reader, truly_unique  +, writes (29 December 2007):
THis guy is an asshole. He has no respect for you. but that doesnt stop you loving him and it certainly doesnt stop the pain. Hes not in love so soon. I can promise you that. Hes probably scared and confused as he is going through a rough patch in his life with alcoholism and found someone who he feels he can talk to (while she pours him more alcohol).
He may be giving her "good times" now just like when he started a relationship with you but he will also give her hell. And shes probably not as nice as you are and will throw him out alot earlier than you have.
Hes an alcoholic, a lyinng cheating alcoholic. What a catch!
I believe that you are better off without him. And you deserve soemone better than him. Who will love you unconditional of the fact that you arent a barmaid and therefore cant give them discount on booze.
You mentioned he was agressive and abusive. Do you really want YOUR children growing up around and unstable abusive father? Do you want your children to be scared of their father, of coming home, of being abused. Or worse, becoming alcoholics themselves?
didnt think so.
Pain will be there..for quite a while. And the only cure known to man is time. But the time you spend in heartbreak now is not even half the time you would spend if you and him got back together and he was abusive and continually having affairs.
cut your loses and go find someone who will care about you sober.
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