A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is a very complex situation, so please bare with me as this story might be a little long-winded. In August, my friend Leslie started hanging out with this guy, Ian, she met through Tinder. They were talking to each other off-and-on for nearly a year prior, but never actually hung out until the end of the summer. Naturally, on every Tinder date, she brings me as a wing-woman and to ease awkwardness. The date went well. Leslie and Ian continued seeing each other for about a week or two until Leslie's boyfriend found out. Her boyfriend then seeks out Ian to retain information of her infedality, which Ian gives vague answers to as he didn't know Leslie was in a relationship. This makes Leslie situation even worse, and she blocks him for not keeping his mouth shut.Ian and I continue hanging out, only because prior to the incident, I enlisted his help on a personal matter. Leslie of course knew. What started off as a business matter turned into a friendship. There were many talks and chemistry between us. Eventually, Ian tells me that he didn't feel too hurt by Leslie'a actions because he liked me the moment he met me. That it was different with me because he felt certain that all Leslie wanted from him was a physical relationship. I felt very happy, but I also knew in my heart that I was getting a very sticky situation. I liked Ian, but Leslie was my best friend.Eventually, Leslie caught on to what was going on between us. She asked me three times about my feelings for Ian, and I was a coward for two. By the third, I told the truth; I had liked Ian, and I felt a connection with him. Leslie blew up with anger, as she had every right to be. She named my dishonesty for the main point of her outburst, along with that she would never "choose my best friend over potiential dick." I retaliated and told her that she never even liked him; she responded that even if she did, there are some people who are just off limits. She also said that I am always making friends with people who don't matter, and that she always knew I was a shitty person deep down in her heart. She eventually gave me an ultimatum; it's either her or him.I hate the fact that she gave me an ultimatum because I feel selfish for even considering picking Ian over her. I also hate the fact that she spoke down at me just because I didn't raise up to her expections of what a "perfect" friend should be, regardless of the times I have accepted her for the human she is. I made a mistake, I understand, and I was dishonest. I owned up to it and apologized to her. But the terrible thing is that I want to continue seeing him, and although I have been thinking of ending the friendship with Leslie, it is obvious I don't want to do that. I know I can't have my cake and eat it, too. My heart is so torn, and I haven't spoken to either one since the incident. I have been doing plenty of self-reflection, but I need unbiased, truthful answers. So please, agony aunts! I need some serious advice here. What should I do?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 October 2016):
 You go on dates with her so she can hook up with guys behind her boyfriends back? That is not being a good friend.
She sounds selfish and really not a good person if she is going out cheating on her boyfriend if it was me I would end the friendship, it seems she thinks about herself and does not care about hurting others feelings. She was both dishonest to Ian and her boyfriend.
If you like Ian go for it. But also learn that never to help a friend cheat on someone it is wrong. She should never make you choose between her and a guy if she genuinely thought off you as a good friend, her doing that shows she only cares about herself.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 October 2016):
 I think Ciar analyzed it perfectly.
Read her post through a few times and see if you can "get" what she is talking about.
Leslie is a cheating GF and YOU are GLADLY enabling her. Why is that? That's the kind of friend you would want at YOUR back? Someone who can't even be faithful to her BF?
And then Ian? What a dick. He doesn't care about either of you, he just swiped right to get laid and you were BOTH dumb enough to do it.
Of course, Leslie is upset with you, you are supposed to be the one with the moral compass, right? And if Ian wanted to screw you after he screwed her it means he doesn't give a SINGLE F about either of you. You are both just holes to deposit his dick in. Easier to be mad at you.... then at herself or Loser Ian.
She is a shitty friend. Ian is a shitty guy.
Aim higher OP. Stop rolling around the gutter with gutter people.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (16 October 2016):
 Neither of these two sound worth keeping in your life and you need to set your priorities straight and stop being a doormat.
You say you accompany Leslie on every Tinder date as her wing woman. You do this knowing fully well that Leslie has a boyfriend and is happily cheating on him. Why then do you accompany her? You are you a willing partner in her crimes and you're basically completely OK with helping your friend cheat.
Secondly, you say you like Ian and he supposedly likes you too but Ian didn't have the most honourable of beginnings. He was with Leslie, hanging around for the sex, knowing that she had a boyfriend. He's basically just some random guy from Tinder who sounds really sketchy and you seem to have zero problems with that.
I think you're the one who needs help more than anyone else. Leslie is an unapologetic cheat and you're an unapologetic accomplice and both of you have a friendship made in hell. Throw in some terribly shallow, irrelevant guy named Ian and you have the worst trio ever.
Come on OP, grow up. Neither Leslie nor Ian are worth keeping in your life but frankly, Ian sounds even worse. At least you won't get pregnant or heartbroken by Leslie!
Set your priorities straight, stop being a doormat to Leslie and stop entertaining worthless guys like Ian.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 October 2016):
 This situation isn't complex at all. It's very straight forward. All three of you have done the wrong thing and each of you is using the others' culpability to mitigate your own.
Leslie is cheating on her boyfriend and enlists you as her wing woman. If she and her boyfriend don't have children or own property together then she can't use those as an excuse to not end it with him.
You seek out, or accept, professional services from some guy Leslie just met on Tinder, despite knowing it's a bad idea to mix business with pleasure and knowing she's likely using him for sex. She's right that some people are off limits to friends, but she's not in a position to judge.
Ian volunteers, or agrees, to provide professional services to a friend of some woman he's just met on Tinder, who, it turns out is cheating on her boyfriend and this friend is part of that game. Apparently he's A-Okay with all this because he wants to continue seeing the friend when he learns it's going nowhere with Leslie. We don't actually know if he figured he was being used for sex, but it's a handy enough excuse. And you're okay with that.
Ian doesn't strike me as a man of quality so my advice would be to cut him loose and don't kid yourself by pretending you just want to remain friends. This is not for Leslie's sake. I don't take to ultimatums so the person giving me one would likely be the one to go, but choosing Ian over Leslie would be a downgrade.
As for Leslie, I suspect your friendship has already changed and this is possibly the beginning of the end. Don't fight to keep her. Just be the best person you can be (not overly judgmental of others, but not a doormat either) and let it happen gradually. Maybe with some soul searching and some maturity this friendship might grow into something better.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (16 October 2016):
 You go on dates to help her cheat? You don't see anything wrong with that?
Anyways, sounds like she was just planning to have sex with thus guy so what does it matter what you and him do. She sounds jealous although I'm not really sure how she can be when she has a bf. She sounds like an odd individual.
If you want to date this guy then go ahead. It's none of her business.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (16 October 2016):
 It is a horrible feeling to be on rocky terms with a friend but honestly who the heck does she think she is? I think the worst mistake that you made was agreeing to play a part in her deceiving her bf. Thats just low to ask a friend to go along and support her cheating. Nor do I think you were intentionally dishonest in not telling her straight away. As you did anyway came around to being open with her. Situations like this I think it wise to pick your time and words. She has just retaliated for having her nose pushed out of joint. Given she has a bf, utterly ridiculous of her to react the way she did. Hardly would I take to heart her nasty comments she always knew you were a shitty friend what does that say about her, she uses people to suit herself, in your case her wing man. She is correct that some people are off limits, this guy is not one of them. So my advice, keep you eye one the prize and leave her to stew in her own bullshit.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 October 2016):
 Wow, the woman who was cheating on her boyfriend has now suddenly discovered a moral code because SHE feels hurt? You couldn't make it up! What a hypocrite.
She has no claim whatsoever on Ian. Even if she had been in a proper relationship with him, this does not mean she owns him for the rest of his life and her friends have to see him as out of bounds out of some misguided sense of loyalty to her.
I really do find it puzzling that people think they have some sort of claim over others for the rest of their lives, just because they dated at one time. As we meet a lot of potential partners through friends, that automatically limits your choice. Quite a different situation if you start seeing them while they are still in a relationship of course, but that wasn't the case here.
I would also be well annoyed at someone telling me what I can and can't do. What right has she to tell you who you can and can't see? A real friend would want you to be happy.
For the record, I now live with someone who used to date one of my closest friends. She moved on to another relationship and was more than happy when her ex and I got together. As she said, he was not the right one for her but hoped we would be happy together. Many years down the line, we are still together and she is happy with the man she went on to marry after splitting with her ex.
Your friend needs to concentrate on making amends with her boyfriend.
In future, don't support "friends" who expect you to lie for them. Not nice.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (16 October 2016):
 In that second paragraph, you make it sound like Leslie isn't doing anything wrong. You go on her dates to be her wing-woman for her cheating? That's not being a good friend, that's enabling the pain she's causing someone else.I think the two of you have a messed up friendship because she's hypocritically talking to you about dishonesty while she's cheating one her boyfriend.If you want to be with Ian, go for it, but I think staying away from her mess would be a good idea.
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