A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Thank you for taking the time to read my question.I have been dating the most wonderful man, Jeff, for about a year now, I have met his parents and he’s met mine, we’re planning to get married early next year. Everything’s perfect and I may be just looking for problems, which I almost think I am, but there is something that really bothers me about him. Here’s the deal.About a couple of months before we met (we are both students at the same University), he was done with his degree and was at a loose end. He claims that there was a lot of pressure from his family to get married but he wasn’t ready to, because he was very clear that he wouldn’t marry till he had found the “one”. He had had one broken relationship in the past.Meanwhile, he had a friend who was a girl, Kristen, who was married to his friend but they got divorced. This girl then got married on the rebound to someone else and got divorced again. Kristen was known for all the wrong reasons, she has had nasty fights in public with her 1st husband, she’s not known to be a person of a very good character and has been known to sleep around with different men. This is where Jeff came into the picture, after her 2nd divorce. He claims he was bored and he was looking to distract himself from his parents’ constant nagging about asking him to settle down in his life. He asked her out. And he claims that he never wanted to marry her, it was just to “distract” himself, as he puts it. He told me about this one incident when they were alone in the room and she stripped naked in front of him and literally offered himself to him. He claims he didn’t do anything, which is hard to believe but then again we’ve never had sex because it is his idea to wait for marriage to make our first night really special. I am a virgin and he says that he is, as well. He says that the night this happened, he asked her to put her clothes back on and he told her that he couldn’t make love to her that night because he didn't have any condoms with him.After that day, they met again when she came over to his house to spend the night. He claims there was no sex again but obviously they made out. Everything was fine till he sent her a drunken text calling her a bit* and and that’s when she stopped talking to him and while he tried apologizing, she didn’t relent. She had told a friend that she wanted him to grovel in public and this Jeff said, was the last straw. He didn’t try getting back again and that’s when he met me and we started going around.As you can imagine, its been awfully hard for me to listen to all this. Mind you, I didn’t ask for the details, he told me that he wanted to be honest with me and he wants to tell me everything. He says that this was a time on his past which he deeply regrets and he cannot believe how he himself asked out a girl like Kristen.This man has been nothing but wonderful to me and treats me like a princess. His parents adore me and I really have nothing to complain about. I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better man to spend my life with but what bothers me is his relationship with Kristen. How could a guy like him fall for a girl like her? Was he in love with her? What made him ask her out, knowing that she has had two nasty divorces and is known for all the wrong reasons? Should I let this bother me? Or should I just excuse it as something that happened in the past?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (23 May 2013):
 Hi
Forget it, it was him as much as her, 2 people, bored, single and at a loose end met up twice. So what. It's history, no big deal. He 'confessed' now draw a line under it.
He treats you like a princess, his parents adore you, your getting married - so everybody's happy. At least I hope *you* are.
A
male
reader, gigolojone  +, writes (22 May 2013):
 He did right to open up about that ugly past of his and you should appreciate the courage he mastered to tell you all that happened between him and her. Most people especially men rarely cross that line.
What would you do or how would you feel if after one year into your marriage you heard from someone else other than him that he was once involved with Kristen?
My guess is,you would be so heart broken,feel betrayed that he didn't tell you about this before you two got married.
You husband to be is a real and courageous gentle man who wants to start his marriage with you on a clean note without any skeletons in his closet.
Now that you know about Kristen,you can make a well informed decision.
He went out with her once or twice and he did nothing. You may ask yourself "Why Kristen?" Sometimes a lack of opportunity may push you to the walls and you end up with people like her but thank God he saw a ray of light at the end of the tunnel when he met you.
To put your search for trouble to rest,i have this to say; let the past stay in the past and concentrate on the now and future.
The decision remains yours to make.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (22 May 2013):
Dear OP,
I totally think you should leave this behind, it was a past mistake - if it was a mistake at all. (some people just call it dating, living, making experiences). And he told you everything, even though it didn't show him in a good light.
Look, from what I hear, this is a really good, honest man who lives up to his values. Yes, he might have done something that he's not proud of, so what? We all make mistakes and I'm sure if you really dig into your past, you will find some incidences that you aren't proud of, either. They might not have anything to do with dating, but the point is, I am sure there are things in your life that you regret and that would take a lot of courage to reveal to your boyfriend. He had the courage to tell you what he regretted in his past. He made himself vulnerable to you. Be grateful for this, so many people keep secrets and play games.
Who knows why he dated her.. but I guess it's that they were probably both feeling very lonely at the time and needed some comfort. Or he wanted to prove to himself that he can be a rebel, too, because that woman sure wasn't what his parents wanted for him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (22 May 2013):
 While I don't think that Jeff has shown himself to be the most assertive and independent-thinking guy.... I do think that it's better that you let his past be past.... UNLESS you want to fulminate about it forever......
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (22 May 2013):
 Gosh you really are creating a mountain out of a molehill here. He asked her out because he was bored and caved into family pressure, of course he wasnt in love with her!
Imagine if you had your family nagging at you constantly to get into a relationship, then imagine you knew someone who would probably say yes if you asked them out - then you have the 'Jeff and Kristen' situation. Family is obviously very important to him, hence why it will have bothered him so much that they wanted him to settle down. he had no intentions of settling down with her, he just wanted to shut his family up for a bit and keep them off his back.
He never 'fell' for her at all, she was just a convenient option to keep his family quiet for a time. You said yourself she is forever in and out of relationships, so your boyfriend will have known that out of all the women he knew she would be the easiest one to date because she is so 'easy'. he didnt choose her because he loved her or wanted to be with her, just because she was the easy option.
Honestly you need to get a grip on yourself, this is so irrelevant to your life and future happiness you shouldnt even think about it for a second. He never loved her, only went out with her to keep his family quiet temporarily, realised she was a 'bitch' and never went back. End of story.
Let it go and move on - it seems you are the one with the problem here, perhaps you need drama in your relationship to keep you interested? Maybe this is too 'perfect' for your liking so you are creating drama to give you something to focus on, because the truth is you cannot handle a happy relationship.
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