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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We are a couple in our 30's.Together 4 years. No children, no stress, nice home and nice jobs. Sex life non existent.. well maybe once a month. You would think he was the female of the two of us. There are no sexual issues, not impotent, not having an affair, none of the usual. In fact we are pretty much in love its just the sex. he feels pressured and has done for about year now. so i lay off the pressure and hes like still not interested. Hes got a supposed high sex drive, but i guess looking at porn can quash that one. he says its not me, still fancies me etc... just has to get the hosue in order first! Christ live a little i say to him... who gives a stuff if the housework aint done! Anyway this has been going on for ages, we dont go to bed together as hes not tired same time as me.. i end up going on my own as hes sodding about.. We used to have sex about 6 times a week, then 5 and then down to 3.. then it was every other week,,, then its once a month... i think its gonna end up less than that soon... So what do i do... ive tried spicing stuff up, that works as a one off nothing else... he says he feels badgerd now and the sex is just expected. Dont know how we got to this point but its ruining an otherwise great relationship. How can i get the sex back... How can you get the man you love to want sex with you again, when they say they want you why dont they act like it ? Why is it that all of a sudden these days men dont want sex ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): I am in the same boat. Hubby works really long hours and we hardly get to have sex. He is mid 30's and so am I. I want it all the time as he did when we first met, but he is too tired these days. We've tried the spice up routine which only lasts the first tree tries, and then we lapse into maybe once a week. Hopefully his work load will become less by year end and then we'll get back to having our old sex life again. We have been to councilling and they say it is normal at this age to slow down...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): Not to seem a bit harsh but I am in a similiar situation and I really think my husband is homosexual. Reason being the sudden decline in sexual activities. Also his peculiar behavior. He has gay tendencies. Your husband may have known all along and has been using you as a way of hiding his sexual preferance. It is that or he is indeed having an affair possibly. There are alot of gay married men and most of their wives are clueless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Well, hun if he's not having sex with you, then there is a definite sexual 'issue'. His sex drive has taken a nosedive, hasn't it? Sounds like you two have just grown bored and complacent...and it's him. if you have put in the efforts. I would suggest that you focus on deepening the emotional intimacy in your marriage. You both do this by learning to listen even more carefully to how he feels and he does the same for you. You can ask him questions and get him to expand upon what he says. You will have more trust , respect and commonalities if you know a great deal about his passions and how he views the world . Time alone does not restore this. It take a ton of communicating and work. . However, if you know that your husband shares with you his most heartfelt emotions, then you likely do have a lot of trust.. Try not to over evaluate your marriage and your husband from his sexual behaviors alone, then trust will be hard to build. Communicating openly and truthfully will help to build the bond. If that isn't working, then it could be his own attitudes towards the marriage and how he views it. The only yway ou can find out, is getting him to talk. Sometimes that is hard, because the other spouse feels unlovable and emotions are touchy. Why don't you consider mnarriage counseling. Sometimes a mediator can help put perspectives on these problems and your husband may be wiling to talk to someone who is not emotionally connected and is unbiased. Think about that route first.
Good luck, dear.
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female
reader, lovejunkie  +, writes (17 September 2007):
 I'd say he's lost his attraction for you and he seems fine otherwise, because he enjoy the stability your marriage provides for him emotionally, but sexually it's not there anymore. This happened to me and I stayed in my marriage for a long time, because I didn't want to be alone, and enjoyed the comfort of knowing there was someone to come home to, but I avoided sex with him because I wasn't attracted to him like that. I don't know what happened. We married young. He was a great man in many ways, a good provider, always someone I could count on, but for me there just wasn't any chemistry. I think I may have married him not out of my attraction for him, but out of a need to be loved, and not thrown aside like so many of my other boyfriends had done before. Since he stuck around, I thought he was a keeper. It didn't occur to me how important the physical attraction thing would matter in the long run. This is what's happened to your man I think. Only counseling will help if he's willing to go. If he's not, then you'd better start planning a trial separation, and fix your mind on a divorce. I'm sorry my luv, it's tragic I know. It was for me too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): You said he looks at porno. So he is lieing if he tells you he doesn't desire sex. That's what porn is. He just doesn't want sex with you. I think you're being very niave if you're trying to convince yourself that it is a pride or a control issue. I am sure that if that were the case, there would be at least a couple instances per month when he was horny & wanted to have sex with you. You aren't nagging at him 100% of the time, so he would have approached you by now. He must not be attracted to you anymore. Have you changed physically? You can't check everything he does online either. He can very easily delete the history and cover up his tracks online. Unless he has some big mental issues I don't think it's pride or control. All I can say is go to counseling together. If that won't work or he refuses, either accept it or leave him. Are you sure he isn't a homosexual?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Thanks Hk45... But we have indeed had this conversation many times... and nothing changes.. except that he now says hes feels pressured and that its more of a chore than a pleasure now. Ive told him i dont feel desired etc and he says thats rubbish as he still loves and fancies me and doesnt see why we need sex all the time... im like would be nice some of the time. Now the thing is i tend to think its male pride somewhere... ive told him im not happy with the sex and hes taken it right over the top somehow... Ive even asked him about whats porn giving you that im not and he says nothing... its not sex, its totally different. As for the looking at porn when i go to bed thats a rare event, that doesnt happen alot.. ive checked! And as for talking to someone else on the internet.. i know that not to be true also... i have checked! So it remains a dented pride issue i think... and it seem we are in a viscous circle.. he now seems to think that all im doing is demanding sex all the time, when in fact all im after is a normal sex life! How do i appeal to hisbetter nature ? Ive tried abstaining, ive tried spicing it up, ive tried not mentioning anythign and nothign works... i also think maybe its a control thing.... because im quite open about sex and tell him what i want etc... where as in the past i think its always been him thats iniated sex.. so its kind of making him feel less of a man becuase i have to mention it ? Any shadows on that you could cast ?
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reader, Hk45cal  +, writes (17 September 2007):
This is actually a typical problem for men in their 30's. Men just like women have their sexual peaks, but those peaks never seem to be on the same time, and if so, not for very long.
What you are describing could be two things. (1) It could be that his sex drive is slowing down. When that happens men are concentrating on other things, like thier careers or even in your case house work. In my opinion I really dont think this is the problem
You are describing some signs of him pulling away. When a man chooses to browse through porn, he is searching for something else to stimulate his appetite for sex. This is actually a huge RED FLAG. If your man is looking at porn, he is probably also talking to someone else on the internet. The not going to bed at the same time is a good indicator of this type of behavior. He is waiting for you to goto bed so he can look at porn or talk to another. You have acknowledged that a problem exist, at this point the person you need to be communicating with is him. You need to explain to him how you feel and make it know. Do not let him continue to give excuses on why he is not having sex with you. If he has the time to look at porn then he certainly has the time to have sex with you. PERIOD! Who knows, sitting down and having a long talk about how you feel may reveal some truths about where your relationship is at this point. The whole point to the conversation is to see where he is at what he is willing to do to get your sex life back in order. If he is not willing to work on it, you will need to consider your options. The last thing you really want is to find yourself down the road in a compromising situation where you are apted to cheat. Good LUCK!
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