A
male
age
36-40,
*ustaGuy
writes:Hey people,So me and my ex broke up for summer, she said she needed space and wasn’t ready for the commitment. 3 months later, she has returned back to the uk. When I found out she was back I sent her an email and we got chatting on msn, she asked if she could come and visit me and I agreed. At mine we had a few drinks and got talking, she told me of her flings during summer which hurt my feelings but as we weren’t together I have no right to complain. Seeing her again just made me realise I was never really over her, I still care for her deeply. As we continued to talk she made it clear that she doesn’t want a relationship at the moment but wants to continue being friends and having 'fun' together. She tells me I mean a lot to her and doesn’t think of me in the same way as other guys. She then dropped a bit of a bombshell. We were in a relationship before the summer for around 2 months, being friends at uni before that. During that time we never had sex, i'm still shy and nervous at being a virgin so It never happened, not for lack of wanting though - we did other things just not actual sex, i get anxious about her expectations as she has experience and this kills the mood for me so to speak. She finally admitted that she broke up with me because she wanted more than just romance in her life. She needed sex basically and instead of cheating on me over summer she broke up to 'fulfil' herself. She told me had I given her that see wouldn’t have felt the need to get with random guys that didn’t mean anything.Now i'm a complete mess, my mind is full of 'if onlys'!She says she would like to continue seeing me ocassionaly and she made a long journey the other day to visit. As i said she told me she is only after fun for the moment but this hurts as I still care for her. During the visit we kissed and hugged a lot and it felt as if nothing had changed, she stayed the night but didn’t have sex. She said she didn’t visit for a one nighter just to see how I was and didn’t expect to kiss me again. I'm stuck now, should i continue to see her, or call it all off or do the causal thing and see if it leads somewhere?My emotions are running high and i need some advice.
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broke up, her ex, msn, my ex, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (19 September 2007):
 FB = fuck buddy, as in a friend with whom you have sex, but it is not a relationship. also known as
CSBF = casual sex between friends
I am offering an ebay auction for one hour of one on one time for this related topic if you are interested:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=160159369132
-Frank B Kermit
A
male
reader, JustaGuy +, writes (19 September 2007):
JustaGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks again Frank, just another, what is a 'FB fling'?
Again your advice is solid. Thanks
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (18 September 2007):
Look, part of growing up means that you are going to have to handle heartache. It is part of the risk you take in relationships.
Here is a beleif you might want to adopt...unless you have already been having sex for a few weeks, no woman should have become THIS important to you. Get it?
She has not earned it. She has done NOTHING to earn this kind of devotion from you. In fact, she has done the exact opposite.
It is not about how you feel about her. It is not about how you are disappointed in the way she feels about you...it is ALWAYS about the way she treats you.
As far as relationships go, she has proven herself to be unworthy. I think you should take the opportunity to have sex with her, get over it, and after a casual FB fling, separate yourself from her and move on to date other girls.
I can understand the difficulty in getting over someone you loved. I went through it too with an ex-fiance. Wrote a book about it called From Loser to Seducer where I talk about getting her back after 7 years! I found peace. So can you, but I am telling you this girl has already failed in proving she could ever be the one for you.
As for your feelings of attachment, part of that might be becuase you built up a life with her in your head, and now that it is gone in real life, your inner self is not ready to let it go yet. This will DAMAGE you if you don't put it behind you. That is what Loser to Seducer is all about.
One more thing. Stop listening to her talk about other guys. You are NOT her therapist. You are not her "buddy". You are her ex, and she is using your friendship. Do not become her "emotional cookie man". That is how a woman uses a man that she knows likes her. I cover that in my book Everything Out of Her Mouth is a Test.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, JustaGuy +, writes (18 September 2007):
JustaGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thanks Frank and Tommy.
I do not have certain beliefs about sex, such as waiting until marriage. Part of me would like to see her just to gain some experience so to speak, the other part of me cares for her and cant deal with the heartache knowing thats all I mean to her.
She is open to a casual relationship but i'm scared of getting hurt again, although i would love to see her again!
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A
male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (18 September 2007):
She didn't really love you. Why would you be wanting her back? What if she decides she needs another round of random sex.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (18 September 2007):
If you continue to see her, have sex, and get over it already. Even if it is a casual thing, lose your virginity so that your next gf does not do this to you as well.
Just do not get serious with her. She does not seem to have the maturity or appreciation for you.
If you have certain beliefs about sex (such as waiting until marriage, etc...) then stop seeing her completely, and find someone that has the same beleifs about sex as you do.
I do a seminar for adult male virgins through my website:
franktalks.com
Here is a hint. Being a virgin at your age, it is likely that most girls will have more experience than you, so get over it. It is a hang up, and will not allow you to ever progress, unless you specifically try to date a fellow virgin.
-Frank B Kermit
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