A
female
age
41-50,
*rench_dimple
writes:Hi there, My boyfriend and I have an amazing relationship and have been together five months. I am 25 and was in a long-term relationship for three years before. There is a big problem - he is not interested in integrating with my friends and family. He says he has no interest in them, and said that just because they are my friends does not mean he ought to be friends with them. I am extrovert and my friends and family play a huge role in my life. He has few friends and prefers his own company. He is working in a very difficult job at the moment and this means he has little time for anyone. He makes time for me, but he has not made time for his family or friends. I feel as though these are huge needs I have, for him to integrate into my other areas of life... I want him to be a part of the wider network of friends and family. I have said this to him and he does not want to...we also live in different places (about 2 hour bus journey) so we do not get to see each other often. He said that because of this, when he sees me he just wants to have time for the two of us. But I can hear alarm bells going off... What if I get hurt? Both of us are having a really hard time working on a compromise between the two areas of time alone and time in social settings. My question is - how can we compromise on our introvert/extrovert personality traits? Should I accept that he doesn't want to be a part of my family and friends, and give him time to integrate? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, WindupBird  +, writes (24 September 2009):
 Hey again,I would just like to add that I do feel that he has the obligation to at least meet your family and be civil to them. This is just a part of being a boyfriend. All I meant with my previous post is that it is unfair to expect him to be super chummy with your friends, establish real bonds with your family if he's not so inclined etc., but anyone who gets serious with a girl knows that meeting the family/attending family functions is part of the equation.Like I said, I am one of the least social people you will ever come across and even I make an effort with my g/f's family. I understand that it's part of being in a (mature) relationship.He doesn't need to "get to know the people connected to you" in any profound fashion, that could very well take "10 years" for an introvert, but it is reasonable for you to expect any partner to know your family's faces, names and have exchanged meaningless palaver with them. If I did it (in Spanish no less) with my g/f's family (and every g/f I've had), he can do it too. It's painful for a lot of people...that's why they make comedies about it...but he's gotta do it :-)Bonne chance.
A
female
reader, french_dimple +, writes (22 September 2009):
french_dimple is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your help guys.
Windup Bird, you sound very similar to my bf - I think the fact that you two live together might mean there is a more stable relationship in dividing time between friends and partner? What do you do when it comes to family events and other occasions where your partner would like you to be there? My partner spoke with me and said he would go to these things once in a blue moon, and that it would take him about 10 years to get to know anyone connected with me. This hurts me a little, even though I know it's nothing personal.
I'm not sure what to think and am still so confused. Family is a huge value of mine, the fact that my bf is also unsure as to whether he will even be in the country next year and has huge uncertainties about ever having children or being married... well, these are all other things that worry me. He is also not close to his family like I am.
I've just left his house and has an amazing time, but again I'm worried that in the long-term this will not work out. I'm so scared to continue but scared to end it too because I feel like I don't want to end it. Is it wrong to end things even when most things are very good?
My bf is so appreciative of me and loves that I go out, etc, and I love that he spends time alone... He was brilliant with me when we spoke and I felt bad because he said he felt like this was an inadequacy on his part. It's not inadequate, it's just the way he is and it's me looking for something that isn't part of his charachter.
Thanks Windup bird, caring guy and bearded guy, I appreciate the advice and if you had any more about the above I'd be glad to hear it! x
...............................
A
male
reader, WindupBird +, writes (22 September 2009):
Hi there,I clicked on your question because my girlfriend and I are in the same boat -- she is social, likes spending time with friends/having a social network, I like staying home, being by myself or just with her and have literally no friends. It works fine for us and we have lived together with almost no friction, but there are some key differences I noticed while reading your question.For my gf, time with her friends is like being with "anti-me." I don't like movies...she goes to movies with them, I don't like dancing...she goes dancing with them, etc. It's also important for us to have time apart, as we live together...since we work similar hours this usually comes when she goes out with her friends and I spend time alone. I understand this isn't the case for you...So what you have to accept with a bf such as yours is that, like for my gf, your life with your bf and your life with your friends will be two spheres that rarely intersect. Asking him to pal around with your friends and get into your circle is asking too much -- that wouldn't be a guarantee for even a more social guy. I don't mean to say he shouldn't be a decent person with your friends/family -- I am certainly polite to my gf's friends when I meet them and have done all the requisite family stuff...that's just kind of part of being a bf and he probably realizes that.But expecting him to be a social butterfly with your friends/family ... not going to end well.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 September 2009):
Men rarely change unless they want to from within (Take than from a male). My concern is that he might try to alientate you from your family. I don't think this guy is right for you to be very honest and blunt. Opposites attracticting is true, but opposites staying together doesn't work. I think you might be better off moving on now rather than waiting to see whether he changes (which he won't) and ending up very hurt in the future. There will be a guy out there who will be suited to you. Find him instead.
...............................
A
male
reader, thebeardedguy  +, writes (20 September 2009):
My experience suggest that no one changes in relationship and if at all change happens, it happens at its own pace. I mean real slow, because the effort you need to put in to change is immense.
And you won't change until and unless you believe your partner is the most important person in your life and no one can replace him/her.
So if it is beginning I would suggest you to decide wisely and protect yourself from the enormous pain that you have to go through during break-ups!
...............................
|
