A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a goner. Someone please help!I started seeing Mr X in June. We met online thru mutual friends (not dating site) at first he was very flirtatious and we talked a lot. It was a good flow. We went out and had a great time. No more then kissing and making out of courseWell about three weeks in I got to a place where I needed to know where things were headed. I am 35 and not ready to wasteTime. I just meant if he saw us as a couple basically. He then tells me he isn't looking for anything serious and maybe we should just be friends :(A couple weeks later on impulse we slept together. It was my doing I guess. I missed him I invited myself over and it was on. That even happened one more time that month. But be protested the same things. I guess he could tell I was hurting so he put a stop to it and I agreed. He told me he is very sexually attracts to me etc. he also really Wants me as his friend. So now and there we see each other. Take the dog for a walk, go to a movieIt's awful. I'm in love with him. I go out with other dudes. And just wish it was him. He's not seeing anyone else. What do I do? Doesn't this bother him? How can he just hang out with me and not feel what we have? I see the way he looks at me is that meaningless?UghHurting in Huntsville
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 October 2014):
 OP I see your follow up.
I am glad you are not having sex with him. You need to probably go NO CONTACT and end the friendship because you are attached and want more but he is not going to give it to you. The longer you stay friends the harder to break away it will be.
and to move on and find a life partner you have to be available emotionally which you are not as long as you stay friends with him. You will probably continue to hope he changes his mind.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (30 September 2014):
What exactly is it you have? Because it’s not reciprocated love. You don’t have something special together, that’s what you want and are turning a blind eye to the fact that, unfortunately, he doesn’t. Whilst having sex after 3 weeks was a big mistake, it doesn’t sound like he’s fooled or misled you in anyway. He’s not interested in a relationship with you, and whilst you keep hanging out with him desperately hoping that’s going to change, you’re not allowing yourself the time and space to reflect and see this for what it really is. Keep your distance from this man, easier said than done, I know. But you need a reality check, and in time to open yourself up to the possibility of meeting some-one else who will also be interested in you and want a relationship.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2014): Thanks guys. This is poster here following up. Quickly. We haven't had sex now or anything physical in 3 months. So it isn't a Mo strings situation. He knows I'm attached.
Ok I hear you all otherwise.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 September 2014):
 He feels what you have, only what you have means something all different for him than for you .
He " has " a pleasant, occasional companion with whom it's nice to spend time every now and then and even nicer have fulfilling, no strings sex.
You " have " romantic feelings, deep emotions, hopes for a common future, mostly based, I think, on infatuation and the natural flow of oxytocine ( the " bonding " chemical released during intercourse 8 times ore in females than males ! ) which sort of clouds your judgement a bit , because after all you don't know him that well and you can't be sure he would be the right man for you EVEN if he gave you more importance , time , and attention.
What you are asking is, how can a person not be in love with me when I am in love with him ?... the answer, alas, is : very easily ! If it was the opposite ( it happens too, of course, boy is very taken, girl is not ) you'd find it most natural and would not give it a thought.
The way he looks at you.. is most probably the way of sexual attraction, i.e. the way a dog looks at a juicy , succulent bone just ready to be nibbled. Flattering, in a way, but not signalling any deep connection.
If it hurts - you have to stop. No more dog walking , flrting, hanging out etc... he has been honest and not mysterious at all about his plans and intentions about you- you are good enough for what you have now, but not, according to his parameters, for something more. And that's not a bad reflection on you or the sign that you are lacking in simething, it just goes to show that he will get attached ( if and when he will ) ro a different type of woman with different qualities. Different Not
" better ",
I'd say the choice is yours- if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. And fast, before you get scalded.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 September 2014):
 This is the most common mistakes women make.
3 weeks in you want to know where you stand? You have barely scraped the surface of a person after 3 weeks. He did the typical guy defensive move... He told you he wasn't looking for a GF, let's be friends.
NOW YOU said you don't want to waste time because of your age, but isn't it WASTING TIME being "friends" with a guy if you want more from him?
Sleeping with him was your next "blunder" - YOU SLEPT with him in HOPES of invoking feelings in him for you. YOU thought having sex would make him change his mind and want to date you. CLASSIC women mistake.
Sex doesn't work that way for guys. And certainly not guys who have decided they do NOT want to date you.
He wants to be "friends", but the kind of friend that have sex.
What he DOESN'T want, is having to commit to be your BF or for you to start having expectations of a future with him outside of chatting, company and sex. He likes you enough to have sex with you, he is attracted to you PHYSICALLY, but he doesn't want to date you.
Cut him loose. Find a guy who wants to DATE you and BE with you. Not just have sex and talk when it suits him.
If you really don't want to waste time, why do you keep this guy around? He isn't going to change his mind. You tried already. By using sex. Didn't work.
Sorry.
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