A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do... I don't even know how to start. I never been on any of these sites before.. this is also a long story. I met this man at a work place..once I was working there he texted me and would flirt just a little (he had my number because he's the one that hired me) he is 16 years older than me but he looks much younger than 36. By his flirtation I didn't know that he was married until I heard it at the place I work. He is handsome and attractive so I would flirt back..but once I knew that he was married I backed off. There would be times where he would call me in the office just to talk. But he would give me special attention from other employees. We met in 2011.. I had a boyfriend when I met him but we he was in another country and was manipulative so I broke up with him. Once I broke up with him, guys at my job or other clients would flirt with me and I would do the same in return. But I would see my bosses face and he would look mad or walk away every time. We started to text for a few months also until late at night for many hours just talking about different topics and occasionally innocent flirting. There was this one night after work where everyone had left and it was only the two of us...he walked me to my car and he gave me a kiss. I was in shock and didn't know what to say or do I just left. .from that day the flirting began to be intentional and I began to fall for him. We would always hang out after work but never kissed again just talk it was as if we were dating. A year passed and it was obvious that we were both into each other. He told me that he had never cheated on his wife before and his marriage is actually secure.. I respected that and told him we couldn't continue to do what we were doing because in a way it was cheating...time continued to pass and constantly seeing him at work the attraction was unbearable until one night once again we were stuck working late I was leaving and he pulled me and started to kiss me ans caressed me. I never felt the way I felt at that moment before. Since that day we have been "together" or I don't know what to call this situation. We had never had sex...we always try to stop things between us for a month, three months and we always go back to each other. He has been married for a long time and has three beautiful children, and his son I went to college with and seems to be liking me...I don't know what to do. Its been three years since this has happened we still had never had sex but we have done many things... I want to make love to him so bad and so does he but he doesn't want to cheat his wife and I don't want to hurt his family. We have tried to stop but we always go back to each other. I know he doesn't plan to leave his marriage but he says he is scared because this has never happened to him before. He says he loves me and I love him too. How can something feel so right and be so wrong?? He says we met in the wrong time.. he says I would be his wife if he wasn't married. I have tried to date other people but I can't forget him I'm in love with this man. I know this is wrong but I don't know what to do. I get jealous when he is at home and sometimes can't speak or when they go on trips as a family and can't speak to me...he tries whenever he cans. There isn't one day where we don't communicate but now I've been acting cold because I really don't want to continue this and feeling like the other woman which I am. He has even asked when are we going to make love but then we both stopped ourselves because he says he doesn't know what's going to happen from there. Sometimes he jokes saying if I want a child because I love kids and always tell him how much I would want for him to be my husband. He is perfect for me and I am perfect for him but he is married and has kids and doesn't want to ruin his marriage.. I don't know why this is happening I need help and advice... I have tried so many times to stop but always go back and so does he... He never talks bad about his wife or kids he loves his family but sometimes I wonder how does he really feel about me? Because if it was for sex he would of done it already. Someone please advice and say your opinion out of the things I've said here thank you.
View related questions:
at work, broke up, flirt, jealous, married man, my boss, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): Oh my goodness am reading that and it is like de ja vu! He tells you has feelings for you, makes you feel loved, special and that he really does care for you.Then goes home and forgets about you as soon as he sees his wife and tells here the same things! Unless of course she's busy with the kids and then he decides to text you to amuse himself for 5 mins! Sorry but that's the reality, wake up! You're nothing more than a toy to him, a play thing! If you weren't he wouldn't be going home and making love to his WIFE every night and don't kid yourself that he's not, sorry but you need to face the facts here, he doesn't love you and its not you he really wants or he wouldn't be going home to his wife every night he would be with you! And the reason am being so harsh is I was you! I was that girl. Fell for all the lines, everything untill his wife found out and the we discovered who was really important to him! His wife the women he loved enough to marry.Now please please take my advice what your doing is wrong! And he is using you for his own amusement and listen to the ladies on here because I honestly wish I had listened to the advice I was given when I was 17 and in your position.Trust me be there done it so GET OUT now.PS:I ended up with a broken nose and 2 black eyes when his wife found out! Not by her, by him - he punched me infront of his wife to prove I was nothing but a stupid wee cow to him.Please don't let the same happen to you!
A
female
reader, KC12  +, writes (31 October 2013):
 Honey, you are being played for a fool by this man. You need to get out of this situation, ASAP. He doesn't want to leave his wife and be with you...but doesn't want you to be with anyone else either, because of HIS jealousy since he wants to have his cake, and eat it too. He's keeping you around as his little "pet." And, that is just wrong. YOU deserve better. Remaining tied to this puppet-master is keeping you from finding a real, fulfilling, loving relationship with a man who would cherish you as the ONLY woman in his life. PLEASE, put yourself and your needs FIRST above him. Also, mark my words:Even if he would leave his wife and marry you...Since he cheated on her with you, he would cheat on you with someone else. Yes, it's still cheating...just because there's no sex involved yet it's STILL cheating. It's an emotional affair at best, and cheating-by-proxy as you're his "back up plan."You should be someone's ONLY plan. Also, I advise getting another job ASAP to make the matters less complicated, and then sever any and all ties.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): What you've been doing IS cheating. How would you feel if you and him were together inba real relationship or married then one day you found out that for over a year he has been kissing and flirting with another woman and telling her that she is the one for him if only he weren't already with you? Wouldn't you consider that as cheating? So that is what you're doing now with him. Unfortunately the mindset of cheaters is that they only care about themselves. He doesn't care that much about you nor his wife. If he cared so much for you he would leave her to start a new life with you. If he cared so much for her he wouldn't be cheating on her and lying to her face and then continuing to cheat even after she found out. So this is basically all about him being self centered and having everything he wants without having to give up anything. And both you and the wife are giving him this luxury since both of you are tolerating this. If I were you I would walk away. If he says he will be miserable without you then let him prove it - if he doesn't leave her to come after you then you will know he must not be that miserable after all. And then you can let his wife have him, don't envy her. Rather, you should pity her . She has so much at stake because she has been married to him, she has onvested her pife and duture into him so she will suffer whether he leaves her or stays with her. Yes the wife of a cheater always suffers even if the cheater stays! That's the advantage that you (the other woman) have over the wife. You can nurse your broken heart and start over with a clean slate and find a better man, while she is left picking up the crumbs.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): It only "feels right" because you are lacking in something - confidence maybe, or a perceived lack of options.This is going nowhere. His wife knows and they are not divorced. That doesn't mean he loves her. Tons of couples stay married for their whole lives but don't love each other, they stay married for convenience or money or both. Or they fear change. It is like how some people will stay at the same job all their lives if they could. Not because they are passionate about their job but because it is there and it is serving a purpose for them and they don't hate it so why change sonehing that is working. Thats how many married couples see marriage. At some point as the mistress it isn't about whether he loves you or not. He can feel affection and be emotionally attached to you but still not want to put you in the role of his wife because he already has someone there. As hard as it is to walk away from him, it is actually easier to do that than to try to influence him to change not just his life but also the lives of his wife and kids. As long as you stay emotionally dependent on him, the only way you can be happy is if 5 people's lives get turned upside down so you can have what you need from him. It just isn't something you should be relying on for your happiness since if you cannot even control yourself and your own emotions then what hope is there of influencing 5 people to change their lives completely? The only person you can control is yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): This man does not know the meaning of love or commitment. He does not know what a secure marriage is. To him, a secure marriage simply means one that is not divorced but has betrayal and lies and secrecy. Why would you even want to be with someone who thinks this is a secure marriage? He pats himself on the back for being so committed to his wife and family by...cheating on her and lying to her and hiding things from her rather than coming clean and divorcing?People who believe that it is better or less wrong to cheat on their spouse than to divorce them, have seriously unhealthy emotional issues. They are basically putting fake pretenses above honesty and truth. And usually cowardice has much to do with it. divorce brings everything out into the open- it forces the one filing for divorce to OWN their true feelings and intentions and invites judgment from all their family and friends and being made to look the bad guy for breaking up a family. So the coward will choose the path of secret cheating, because they are too coward to face the consequences to do the right thing and be honest to their spouse.Look. In this day and age divorce is common. 1 in 2 couples divorce. and many of them have small kids still at home. They accept that they are now a 2 household family and get their kids to adapt so no one has to pretends anymore to be the traditional Leave It To Beaver family that hey are not. So any one who tells you that they simply cannot divorce because it turns everything upside down is just being coward. Lots of people have done it and are doing it so why can't he? People who insist on keeping up the appearance of a marriage to the point of choosing adultery over divorce, are seriously messed up in their moral compass. You shouldn't be with someone like this because his sense of right and wrong is dysfunctional and at some point you will get screwed over by him because he feels that screwing you over is the right thing to do. Actually you already are being screwed over and you know it.The thing is, this guy does not know what love and honor and commitment mean, if he seriously thinks he is honoring his marriage by simply choosing betrayal and lies instead of honesty and divorce.
...............................
A
female
reader, againstmyself +, writes (30 October 2013):
This is terrible and it is not only 'sort of cheating' it is absolutely cheating. Think of his wife. If the tables were turned and YOU were the married one and your husband was messing around, kissing, flirting and inappropriately touching a teenager, regardless of if sex was involved or not, how would YOU feel?He is using you, and taking advantage of your young impressionable mind. Get out. Get out fast. You should have gotten out 3 years ago.As a married woman, this sort of thing pisses me off to no end. Both you and the man are at fault. The man should have never flirted with you and you should have laid down the law the MOMENT you found out he was married. This is wrong on so many levels. It might feel 'right' now (it's not), but if he should leave his wife for you (he won't) on top of completely ruining his wife and son's life, he WILL eventually get bored of you and find another woman. You said he already flirts with other women IN FRONT OF YOU. Wake up already. If he tries to talk to you, ignore him. Change your phone number and don't even acknowledge his existence. If his eyes cause you to swoon, don't f***ing look at them! If he keeps bothering you, understand that him flirting with you and kissing you after you tell him to stop is SEXUAL HARASSMENT in the workplace and you can get him fired for it. Make sure he knows that, and then cut all ties. Let him feel the same hurt he is inflicting on his own family.God, my heart goes out for his wife. Poor woman.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): 1. Get a new job
2. Stop talking to him (delete on facebook, block his number, whatever it takes)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): His wife found out about our late night texting because they share bills. See saw the number but xouldnt see the texts..she had called me before and told me that he was married and had three kids and to just stop texting her husband... I didn't say anything that happened a year ago.. thats when I stopped texting him for a little while or doing anything with him and then once again we went back..she always calls the office and o happen to pick up she knows is me but she seems very nice... His son and o are actually friends (and is killing me because of what I'm doing) I'm such a terrible person but it is so hard because his father works with me.. I recently also got a promotion and I'd hate to leave the job..he also got a promotion so he might leave the job also to go somewhere else so I am just waiting... We've managed to work together no problem but sometimes it gets to mee...he is a really big flirt and flirts with a lot of clients at work and I once told him ibknow he doesn't do that in front of his wife but yet has no respect for me and does it in front of me he said he was sorry and stopped for a while but then continued again.. I just need the will to really stop but I'm not going to leave my own job for him. I told him I would transfer but he said that he needs me (work wise) and that he would be miserable if I was not there every day... I can't continue doing this anymore for my sake or his family sake. Everybody has noticed that there is something going on at work, there ate rumors but no one has prove of anything.. I would have never thought that I would be in this situation in a million years. I'm so upset with myself that I fell for it and also for him which makes it harder and having to see him every day. I told him that I felt like a hypocrite with his son and how might be missing out on something great and even a family on my own..he says that if I decide to stop he respects that because j deserve better he says.. I was actually 18 when I met him & he did had his son at 16 and his wife was 14.. what are some of the things that I can do to avoid him and forget about him pleasee... Sometimes I feel used and he is only with me because his been with his wife for so long so wanted to try something new or with stress at work or feels lonely..his wife is more on the plus side but she is a very very beautiful woman wow...I am not conceited but I am also attractive, have sex appeal, and confidence which in the end it doesjt matter in this situation but when he touches me is like he loves my body and legs and stomach and once he saw me and picked me up st the gym and said Woww I love your legs no cellulite. Even though he was complimenting me I still felt bad because I knew why he said that...because of his wife. He Is really a good husband to her if you keep your sight on the surface and all this and also a good father, he is caring and when outside of work he shares that with me also he is gentle and sweet and sarcastic like I am most of the time...but sometimes he feels he knows more than anybody and even though I am so much younger than he is and is my boss I always tell him what he is doing wrong and the way he acts around the employees I I flak firmly to him and I've never "kissed ass" and he has said that no one has talked to him like that..and that I am different because I'm not afraid of svoicing myself. I act when is needed and take action, and solve problems quick.. God, this is so hard to do!!!!!!!!!
And thank you all of you, you guys are right but it is still something hard to do just gazing into his eyes and smile SIGH. I think it all goes because Ive never been with a lot of men and he knows that. I only have had sex once in. In my life and I've also felt in love with the way he touches me so so passionately I've never been touch like he does in my life, he gives me massages, and always brings me dessert because I love sweets...maybe it doesn't have to do with him but my lack of searching and really searchign what's out there. I'm sure any other man can give me that while being able to faithfully commit to me. This just needs to stop....
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (29 October 2013):
 Look you know this is wrong, yet you cant bring yourself to stay away. You have to think about it this way:
You have a choice; either remain his dirty little secret, this will go on for years perhaps unless his wife finds out....eventually you will have sex and then you will just carry on for years on end having sex, spending the odd moment with him when you can and being permanently unhappy because you will never get your man.
OR you realise that you dont want to waste the best years of your life with a man who is not available, cut all contact with him and move on.
What you will find in 5 or 10 years time, if you let this carry on, is that you have wasted your most precious years on a relationship that is not going anywhere. I presume you want to get married, have kids? If you hit 30 and still are with him, chances are even if you left him aged 30 you will have missed your chance to have kids and you will struggle to find a single man who is over the age of 30 that also wants to settle down. Most men by that age have either settled down or want to be bachelors - your pool of single men will be much smaller than it is currently
So you have to start to think about the future now, think about what you want from life long term. Do you want to be someone's bit on the side, being unhappy and unfulfilled? Or do you want happiness, marriage and a family? He cannot give you marriage or children so if you want those things from life you have to end this with him.
It is very sick and perverted if you did actually meet 3 years ago (making you only 17), a 33 year old man and a 17 girl is very wrong. He really isnt the catch you think he is, like honeypie said he is a cheat, a liar, willing to hurt his children all for the sake of a bit of fun with a girl who is barely out of her teenage years. Then add to the mix that he had a child when he was 16, and he is also attracted to teenagers - he is not a good person to be around.
Even if by some miracle he left his wife for you, chances are when you get a bit older he'll soon grow bored and chase after some other teenage girl behind your back - once a cheater always a cheater. And FYI sex has nothing to do with cheating, he is having an affair here - he is having a relationship with you behind his wife's back. Sex or no sex, that is an affair and he is breaking his marriage vows. He would do the exact same to you if you two got married.
You know this is wrong, you know there is no future in this - so time to be strong now and walk away. You have to go cold turkey, delete every possible form of contacting him and ensure he no longer contacts you. Otherwise you will waste your best years on a dead-end relationship until you get to an age where you realise you do want a family and marriage, but it will be too late by then.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 October 2013):
 All this started 3 years ago? That would have made you only 17? He has a son your age so he must have had his son around the age of 16? Interesting but no matter, you do understand that you are riding down a street that has a big, fat dead end, right? The fact that you haven't had sex doesn't make this NOT cheating. He not going to leave his wife for you so you will remain his dirty little secret, that is until his wife catches him. Knock off this nonsense, get a new job if you must but stop this useless waste of time so you can start making a real future with someone.
...............................
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (29 October 2013):
 you are in the middle, you are the other woman. it appears he is committed to his wife, and an emotional affair with you. your heart is totally given to him, and his heart is divided between his love for his wife, and you. if he was going to leave his wife you would think he would have done it along time ago and made a plunge. he has not jumped into sex with you because his heart is toward his wife, and has to much too lose with her. he wants you and his wife. he is jealous when he sees you flirt with other guys. its a work place romance. you know what you have, a married man that is committed to his wife. my opinion is you have two choices put him on the spot ask him does he want you, or his wife? if and when he does you need to be prepared for his answer may not be what you want to hear. if he does leave his wife for you will it be in the back of your mind that he may do the same to you some time in the future "if the grass is greener on the other side." if he does break commitment with one woman what is going to stop him from doing it again? you need to know were he stands, because he is married. let me ask how would you feel right now if you was his wife in her place, and knew his heart was drawn toward a woman at his work place? some things to think about.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 October 2013):
 You are so young to be wasting your life pining after a man, who loves nothing more then to fill your pretty little head with lies, getting his ego rubbed and the free sex.
And you are too old to not know better. You even said in the beginning you backed off because he was married, why didn't you stick to that?
He isn't perfect for you. UNLESS you like a lying cheating guy who takes advantage of a young and inexperienced girl all the while pulling wool over his wife's eye.. WHAT a gem! Seriously, honey you need to take those rose colored glasses of and realize what YOU are doing and what HE is doing isn't right in any way shape or form. It's NOT right to knowingly CHEAT with a married man, but it's EVEN worse to be the married man and cheat on your wife. In this day and age getting a divorce is NOT that complicated AT ALL. BUT he doesn't WANT a divorce, he wants you as his dirt little secret on the side while pretending to be the great husband and dad - which he ISN'T because he doesn't give two shits about them if he thinks what he is doing TO you and WITH you is Ok. Morally or ethically.
The LONGER you let this continue the longer YOU are wasting YOUR life, specially your YOUTH on a man who isn't going to be who you WANT him to be (good guy/boyfriend/fiance/husband).
END it, tell him to NEVER contact you again, block him on all social sites and phone number and take a GOOD long look at yourself and YOUR actions in all this mess.
HOW would you feel if you were married and thinking your marriage was great and then find out he's got some two-bit chick on the side?
HE ISN'T GOING to LEAVE her.
...............................
|
