A
male
age
51-59,
*agman
writes:I am a married man who has been happily married for 12 years. I recently met a married woman who has been with her partner for the same amount of time.We started as friends but the relationship quickly grew into love. Just love, not sex. We both feel as if we have found our perfect partner and absolutely agree that we would have a perfect future.I have left my wife because I simply could not look her in the eye and tell her I loved her anymore. My decision, my responsibility.She has decided that, although she tells me that she loves me far more than her husband, has decided that she cannot leave him because it will destroy him and she cannot do that to him or his family.She tells me that she absolutely believes her future is me but will spend the rest of her life living a lie because she cannot do this to her husband.I cannot tell her to do anything different and she has spoken to a lot of her friends but she never truly tells them how she feels about me so they assume it is a regular affair and just tell her to forget about me.I am mightily confused about what she is saying and what she is doing. How can anybody choose to live a lie like that? She has no children but is planning a family soon and I am scared that she is simply waiting to get pregnant and then she simply doesn't have to make a decision.Help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): what is very apparent is that your married lover has a tendency to hoodwink people around her. is this her first affair? or are you just another number in the insatiable quest of men?lets talk about your wife for now since i believe that your married lover will not change her ways and that you have messed up your own marriage for someone who is clearly not worth it. i am glad you have decided to seperate from your wife. you see , you have not been as 'happily married' as you claim. if you were you wold not have been having sex with someone who is not your wife. by leaving your wife, it allows her to move on. yes, move on to someone better. someone who know what marriage vows are all about. your wife deserves to be fulled fully and exclusively. since you cannot be faithful to her, the only thing to do was to release her so i am glad that you have done the honourable thing for her. does she know that you have a lover and that you were cheating on her while still married to her. even if she knows this, and she is hurt and cannot rightly justified in hating you, a few months or a few years down the line, she will actaully move on. you see, good men are hard to find. better women are even harder to find and keep. i believe your wife is one of them. she can go out and find her true soul mate. why shouldn't she indulge in passionate sex with another man. your wife will actually find a decent faithful man to love her, cherish her and he will be faithful to her. in the end you have lost your married mistress/lover but you have released your wife. at least your wife has an option to find true love since you were not satisfied with her.the sad sad situation is that you gave your wife up for a woman who is not worth it. you see the grass in not greener on the other side. you will find out the hard way about just how badly you have messed up. as for your wife, she needs to thank you because the start of the rest of her life is only beginning. there is a saying- "married women like to screw, they just do not want ot be screwed over" in your wifes case this holds true. do you have children????
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 September 2009):
She's decided to stay with her husband. Don't contact her again. You're going to get hurt even more. Instead, look at your own marriage. Is there any way at all that you can try to fix it?
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (23 September 2009):
 First and foremost... there is NO perfect love because no-one is perfect. The illusion of being perfect is because you do not live with her!! Its not easy to know the true person until you have lived with them for some time and I believe that this is just the excitement of something new after 12 years of marriage. You really should of discussed more with the other woman about getting together before you left your wife. 12 years is a long time to spend with someone and have them one day come home and say ... I don't love you anymore. I am not saying don't pursue your happiness... but remember that there are other people involved and that will be very hurt by this. Do you have children with your wife? Please think carefully about what you are doing? It doesn't sound like you will get out the winner in this one! Also... her decision to stay with her husband and her reasons are her own... she belongs with her husband. You should be questioning your own thoughts not hers. Good luck xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): Sweetie, your committment to her was more than her committment to you... she obviously enjoyed cheating on her partner with you, but doesnt feel enough for the relationship to divorce her husband.
By the simple admission that she is going to start a family with her hubby tells you that you were just the 'bit of excitement on the side'.
Now unfortunately you will be paying the high price of your actions... you cheated on your wife, have left her for your lover, but your lover does not feel the same way and doesnt want to ruin her marriage for you.....
Sorry this has happened but this is the result and pain experienced by cheating..... You say you were happily married when you met this other woman... If this was so, you would have put the energy into sorting out whatever problems you had in your marriage instead of having an affair.
An affair is often the symptom of problems within the marriage.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (23 September 2009):
 We all have different ideas for what we consider a happy life. Personally, if I felt I loved another man, I could not start a family with the man I am married to, just so I did not hurt him or his family. However, I have encountered many people so afraid to take path into the “unknown”, that they will remain in miserable but “known” territory… an extension of the “Devil you know” idea.
If I were in your shoes, I would consider the possibility she doesn't want to start a life with you. Perhaps, while she loves you, she loves her husband more than she's let you think.
Sometimes it feels easy for people to allow themselves to have a love affair with someone who is not available (for example married), because they are not likely to be asked to change their lives as a result of it. Now that she is being asked to change her life, she may realize that she doesn't want to.
Did you discuss with her what would happen when you left your wife? Did she SAY she would leave her husband (wanted to and planned to, are not the same)?
Using her husband’s “fragile” nature, compounding it with his family’s so-called inability to cope with her decision to leave allows her the opportunity to avoid making a huge life change she doesn’t want to, and be a martyr, instead of someone who led you on.
It can be confusing for us when people SAY one thing and BEHAVE in a way that suggests another. I always recommend people take the behaviour of others into account.
It is easy to say anything. It shows real commitment to BEHAVE in a way that demonstrates what we say to be true.
Good luck.
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