A
female
age
51-59,
*arrie40
writes:I have been going over and over this situation if you can call it that in my head for 3 days now and my head is hurting as much as my heart/feelings.I was dating a 40yr old guy with 2 grown up sons for a month. He made a big point of waiting til we have sex from the start but still wanted to sleep with me kissing and cuddling and when things got frisky he pulled away. I respected his wishes and held back.Last week he was coming to mine at 8pm but text at 7.15 after I had got all dressed up and ready to see him, saying he would not be coming around and that he did not want to get involved with a woman with a young child (this was after we had discussed that side of the situation and he was ok with it) He refused to answer my calls but called next morning to say he did want a relationship with me and would make it up to me. He took me out for a lovely evening, I met his friends he met mine all went well. He stayed at mine (my daughter was with her dad) he pulled away, now this had been happening a lot, he tried to give me oral but I said no. we cuddled and went to sleep. We arranged for me to go to his house next night. I dressed up in my best black dress and made a big effort for him. He was in awe and wanted to take me out to show me off - we stayed in and had a nice evening talking laughing and kissing. At bedtime, we almost had sex but he went soft as usual. He said, look what you did, you jinxed me with impotence. He got out of bed and said, I don't know why people have to have sex straight away anyway. I said I was fine with it, we cuddled and went to sleep. He got out of bed at 6am without cuddling me, had breakfast, arranged a future date and he said he would call me later. Later, he text that he did not want to carry on. His words were 'I will take the 3rd strike and out' as he had messed me about twice and Id said dont hurt me again, 3 strikes and you are out, he had promised there would be no 3rd time. He refused to take my calls and I was devastated, I knew there had been a problem with him, maybe erectile dysfunction but never said anything. I had told him it would happen naturally and was ok to wait. I left a message that we could work at the sex and how much I liked him. My reply 'by text!' knocked the stuffing out of me - I'm not embarrassed, you just dont do it for me in the bedroom. and that was that!! I was hysterical! humiliated! embarrassed! I was sick with shock!Why would another human being treat me like that? I was loving toward him, patient, and all he did was hurt me! He dumped his problem onto me! and now I am left feeling ugly! I have had very satisfying sexual relations with partners in the past, this has never happened to me before and I am getting obsessed about the whole thing.I don't know what I can do - he wont speak to me....There is no going back, I would be a fool after what has happened but this just does not feel right - to just let it be....
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female
reader, Blatanche  +, writes (25 July 2010):
Just be harsh to him. Let him know that you are not a woman he can play with. he is currently toying with you.
A
female
reader, Carrie40 +, writes (9 May 2010):
Carrie40 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reality check....I don't know what came over me the last two weeks! I was a nutcase! I have never in my life met such an immature man! I wasted 2 weeks of my life mourning what was never there in the first place! nuts!
I went out with a mate last night - danced the night away and got lots of attention and feel desirable again yay!
I have dropped back down to earth - got taken away by aliens lol - never ever again!
Im sooooooooooooooo hyper happy today yay! wooohoo!
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A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (9 May 2010):
 Best decision you could have made, remember to value yourself and hold your head up high, and do not let any man make you feel worthless. Next time he calls you think on your pride and hang up on him he is not worth it.
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A
female
reader, Carrie40 +, writes (8 May 2010):
Carrie40 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou are sooo right posters! lol
He just cancelled tonight - said his son was coming around and he had forgotten as has planned when we had 'split up' and could he come tomorrow night instead???
I told him 'It ends here! no more! do not contact me again! no regrets about the sex.... but I am not a pushover and deserve better than him! he keeps phoning to say I am being harsh and please talk ......no way! LOL - no more mrs nice guy! it's all over and I am moving on..........
cheers x
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (7 May 2010):
word of advise next time you want to vent to your friends don't...it will make them angry because you express and express and express how bad you felt about the whole situation and with a glimpse of any eye your back..just took two words and your back...Oh well good luck with your man..
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female
reader, Carrie40 +, writes (7 May 2010):
Carrie40 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again- this will be the last time I will take up your time (thanks)
The guy started talking to me on msn chat - tried to explain but I said I wanted to see him face to face.
He said...he was used to dating 20 somethings since his divorce 3 years ago and just acting 'the lad'. He was seeking a relationship with someone like me - apparantly, I had the package, family, grown up conversation....but he said it all happened too quickly for him and he got 'scared' so got out the easy way for him and the cruel way for me. He asked why would I give him another chance after treating me so badly...a bit arrogant that way I felt... I said that was another insult that after being with 20 somethings for sex and then being with a grown woman made him not want to perform...did not make sense to me. Anyway, we did actually 'make love' if you can call it that and it got all the frustrations out of both of us. He wants a relationship with me. I said he could come around at the weekend. He left my house at 4am this morning.
I am sure my good friends will disapprove if I go back with him and one who knows of last nights confessions says I should call him a ******* and not trust him.....
At the end of the day - there is something there, but I do not want to be made a fool of for the 4th time in a matter of weeks.
That is the trouble with me - I get so comfortable straight away with men and they get scared. As I have a 9yr old at home,I cannot go out partying and being wined and dined so the domestic life kicks in straight away.
Well, I do feel a lot better now he has apologised, I could not get passed what happened and now can, even if we don't go forward....
Thank you ever so much for your time and wise words.
x
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A
female
reader, Carrie40 +, writes (30 April 2010):
Carrie40 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNearly there lol
I can see the logic/light
It is not my problem to live with-I have healthy sexual desires which I can fulfil/carry out and a likeminded guy will come along soon.....
I don't need to understand his problem - I tried but got kicked in the pride for it........and a man who can treat me like that is not worth the hurt...I want a man not a boy!
Thanks people - you were a great help x
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (30 April 2010):
 I agree with the male anonymous. Get over it and live a happy life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): If you're really that frustrated, find some guy you think is hot, and try to pick him up. Hate f*ck the crap out of him and expend that negative energy. Then go on your merry way. You've proven to yourself that you still have it, gotten an "itch" scratched, and made some dude's night. Heck, you could even give him a fake number...
Move on from this guy. He isn't worth all the energy you've already put into this.
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A
female
reader, Carrie40 +, writes (29 April 2010):
Carrie40 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIs revenge sweet? Should I carry on being a woman scorned hell have no fury etc.... there is something brewing inside of me - need to vent my anger somewhere but where? This anger is a huge waste of energy I need to channel it somewhere........life is passing by...I am wasting it and he doesn't give a shit what he has done to me - I would have thought he would apologise. He lives in the same town as I will see him about, well I may miss him as he is only 5' 4" after presenting himself as a 5'7 1/2 gentleman not out for sex - he turned out to be a tiny tooled teasing coward! (well if he were a woman he would be a cock teaser I mean lol) I wish I could just forget and get on with life but I dont feel too good in my head about it - it wont go away...I wont bore my good friends with it anymore bless them. I will just take it out on my keyboard here lol
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A
female
reader, Carrie40 +, writes (29 April 2010):
Carrie40 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo it is day 4 - I'm still reeling from the shock??? I am a 40yr old woman with I am told a 30yr old womans body, have had children, and am in good shape and told I am stunning - why I am justifying all this I don't know! trying to laugh out loud.
Yes it was only a month - but why would someone be so cruel to mess me about 3 times in one week and why did I let him??
I cannot believe the state I had got into. All of my good friends rallied around me all last week telling me not to go back with him as he would do it again - I never listen! They then rallied around me when I cried hysterically like a teenager - I am so lucky to have such good friends! I have never been left feeling like shite before - I hope this feeling subsides soon...
And another thing or 2 or 3 ha ha! - on the dating site, he presented himself as a 5'7 1/2" gentleman who was not out for sex - he turned out to be a 5'4" w*****r that if he were a woman would be called a 'cock teaser' with a very small tool that he was insecure about. I don't hate him I don't know him but the treatment has left me reeling... there will never again be a 3 strikes and you are out - do it to me once and I will send them packing! I am on holidays from work and have too much time on my hands, my time is being wasted on dwelling on something that I cannot change/my motto has always been not to worry about something that cannot be changed....Thanks people for your valued opinions....x
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (29 April 2010):
The simple point here being "LEAVE THE BASTARD".
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 April 2010):
 He's been rude by TEXT because he's not man enough to face you. Be thankful you are rid of him. Seriously. So, what are you going to do to make yourself feel better now?
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A
female
reader, Carrie40 +, writes (29 April 2010):
Carrie40 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm replying to my 0wn question here lol
I knew/heard the warning bells etc...something not right here....
I mailed him that (I am a medical secretary and know all the clinical blarbs....) It was just so cruel the way he did it,,,I was willing and patient to wait..we spent many hours talking listening to music and he cooked me lovely meals....the romance was there! we talked of a future.... I just feel so hurt that he blamed me after my having fulfilling relationships in the past - he has only had 2 flings that was just 'sex' ?? in 3 years since his divorce - I find it so insulting.....I have to move on....dust myself off.... but I know, it was not my fault but for him to text ' I did not do it for him in the bedroom' was soooo rude!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 April 2010):
Fleetwood Mac.... Go Your Own Way
Ray Charles ....Hit the Road Jack
Paul Simon.... 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
U2... With or Without You
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 April 2010):
Q. Name a better break up anthem. Maybe we can come up with a playlist.
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A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 Maybe a simple text back saying something like "Right, I'm sure that is what happened, its all on me. Can't possibly be your OLD friend dick's fault. Good luck finding someone who "does it for you". All contact stops here."
Or any kind of sarcastic comment, putting the situation back on him, that ends with you letting him know that you are totally done. And if he write back, don't read it.
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (28 April 2010):
He decided to blame you for his defects no wonder he is still single. He obviously chooses to blame others for his problems and his impotence, girlfriend don't worry about him. Live and enjoy life, don't let your mood depend on what other think or feel about you. Lift your spirit up and show him he was not worth your time, and that your time with him was just a minor set back. Show him that now your back to reality and living life.
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A
male
reader, mr antonio +, writes (28 April 2010):
 this guy has what you call"blame others and not deal with your issues like a man"you had a healthy sex life before that .that should tell you this guy has issues.its obvious he has problems down there.slip some viagra in his drink lol.just playin dont let one person bring you down.especially a child in a grown person body
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 April 2010):
:( Not "last night's kidney-filtered ale"? I really worked on that one.
:D
Poster, I want you to call up your BFFs, gather them round you, cook up some pasta or do Indian takeout or whatever you like best, and have a wonderful party for just you and the people who love you best this weekend.
I highly recommend a ritual burning of any remnants of pondscum's presence in your life. Have a fire extinguisher standing by, just in case.
Blast "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor and dance yourself into giddy, gleeful exhaustion. Best if you do this in front of a mirror with your besties. Use hairbrushes as microphones. Better still if you can get out there and do Karaoke!
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A
female
reader, Sanita  +, writes (28 April 2010):
This guy is real JERK. And yes people can be that cruel and even worse. I was talking to this guy i met online for a few months. He was a soldier in the US air force security forces. We used to communicate often but then everything changed when he got deployed to Iraq, when he came back I spoke to him twice over the phone on the 1st and 2nd of March after which he stopped corresponding with me. He doesn't respond to my emails, Instant messages, phone calls, nothing at all, It has been two months since I last heard from him. What hurt me the most was that we made so many plans to be together.I have gotten over him now, but i still wonder why he just disappeared with a word but thats life, its not fair and we don't get answers for everything we go through. It took me awhile to get over him but i have now and you will too just leave everything to time, time heal all wounds. P.S. Any guy that ends a relationship without a reason or any form of communication to their significant other is a coward and doesn't deserve to be with the person they broke up with. So move on with your life, he didn't deserve you. One day you will look back at everything you have been through and smile.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 April 2010):
 "A sniveling, limp-dicked, wishy-washy, lily-livered, quivering mass of of flawed humanity." Man that was even better than "lurking sperm"!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 April 2010):
I'll tell you what. This guy knows he's an a$$hole. He knows. That's why he can't face you again. He's taken the coward's way out because he is a coward. A sniveling, limp-dicked, wishy-washy, lily-livered, quivering mass of of flawed humanity.
If you allow this to sink you, you are wasting precious time here.
Any more analysis, any more self-flagellation, any more obsessing on this, and you will get sucked into a little self-esteem death spiral.
Honey. This guy is a class A jerk. You can't fix a guy like that. You can be as loving and giving and wonderful as anybody could ever be, and you STILL wouldn't be able to fix him.
He KNOWS. Trust me. He's slithering through the sewers, dodging poop and last night's kidney-filtered ale, hoping that you'll never tell anyone about his double failure.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 April 2010):
Look at the bright side,you only wasted a month. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off, the next guy most likely won't be such an insensitive jerk.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (28 April 2010):
You are so, so right, poster. This should have never happened to you.
As to erectile dysfunction, it could be the case, but we can't be sure it is. He couldn't sustain an erection that time, and was refusing to have sex, but that doesn't necessarily mean that there are not other, deeper reasons, for him not to want to get involved. And that, you don't know.
You do know that he mistreated you. Don't take that from him or anyone else. You're too good for that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): Walk away. He tried letting you down, but you pushed it. He gave it another go, and felt the same way. I think he felt like you backed him into a corner and that the only way you would stop pursuing him was to be cruel.
Is it fair? No. But in his defense, he did tell you he didn't want to continue. Was what he did right? No. He should have held firm and not continued if he was sure he didn't want what you were offering.
Move on. Don't give him a second thought. His problems have nothing to do with you, they are his problems.
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