A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I'll apologize in advance for the length that I'm assuming this post will be, but I've got a complex situation that I'm hoping to get some input on. Here it goes...I have a crush on a very close friend, but I have convinced myself that the odds are stacked too much against me to even try. Here is the situation. We met 5 years ago while working together. I developed a crush on her, but the fact that we worked in very close proximity to eachother, and that she had a boyfriend, kept me from pursuing it further. A while later I started dating her roommate (partially at my crush's prodding). I was convinced that I had gotten over my crush, but that turned out to not be the case. My GF and I broke up after a couple of years and ever since I have been wondering if I should make an attempt at being more than friends with my crush. Here is the current situation: Her and my ex-gf are still living together. She doesn't particularly like my ex, but doesn't dislike her either. We still work for the same company, but work in different departments at different offices. She still has the same BF, but they seem to be going through some rocky times (as evidenced by recent interactions I've witnessed).In the time I've known her, we hang out regularly outside of work. We do thoughtful things for eachother (little notes, planning surprises, etc.) We've gone on vacation together, just the two of us. I'm wondering if the bf/roommate/work scenario is just too much. It has gotten really bad in my head. I have trouble not thinking about her and it affecting many aspects of my life. I feel like I need to tell her how I feel in order to be able to have some of my sanity back, but I really don't want to lose her as a friend. Mostly, I don't want to risk it, if I don't stand a prayer. I love her, and the thought of losing her as a friend is more than I can bear.If you've made it this far, thank you! Just typing this out made me feel a little better. Any and all input is welcomed, no matter how harsh it may be.Thanks again.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): OP again.
Thanks everyone for your responses so far. I'd like to say that I've basically been waiting for her and her BF to break up. The rest of the stuff I think could be overcome, but not knowing just what is up between them is the variable I have the hardest time with. Still, it is getting to the point where I need to tell her for my own mental health.
Thanks again and please keep 'em coming! :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): Thanks for your response TimmD. I appreciate what you're saying. I've been told by others that I'm pretty obvious with how I feel about her, so I've got a feeling that she knows... It's just easier to pretend it isn't there. At the same time, she hasn't cut me out, so that's part of what keeps my hopes up. We even have a "date" tomorrow. I'm taking her to see one of her favorite bands for her birthday. She spent months planning a surprise party for mine.To answer your question about the vacation. Her BF bailed on her and she was looking at alternate trips last minute. She asked me if I wanted to go with her and I jumped on the opportunity. We had a two room suite, so we did not share a bed. It was a great trip, but at the same time a bit awkward because I was hoping something would happen, though it never did. But I also didn't push it or confess anything. Just kept things bottled up.To this day, we have never crossed that line. Friendly hugs are about the extent of our contact. We have never kissed. I often think that if we could just kiss once we'd know. Cheesy, sure, but i think there is a lot of truth in that.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (28 April 2010):
 The best person to answer this question is you, my friend. Deep down a guy in your position should have an idea on how she would take you confessing your feelings. AND, if you've had this crush the entire time knowing her, there is a good chance she already knows this. If you were to say "I have feelings for you..." she probably won't be super surprised.
Normally, from what you told me I'd say she's most likely ok with just staying friends.... but the going on vacation together with just the two of you has caught my attention. What were the circumstances with that? Long vacation? Sleeping arrangements? Length of vacation. She could have feelings for you too and may even be conflicted between her and her boyfriend.
My opinion on what you should do is this: Tell her. Be 100% honest with her. Don't do it in a smothering kind of way, but if you truly have that kind of relationship with her then just talk to her. It doesn't have to be "I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO MARRY YOU!!!!". Just be honest and tell her that she is your best friend, and no matter how hard you try to deny it you've got feelings for her. Don't pressure her, don't ask her out on the spot or ask her to choose you over her boyfriend. Just tell her you'll always be her friend, and if that's all she wants you are fine with that.... but this is the only secret you've kept from her and she deserves your honesty.
Love can suck sometimes, but trust me... you'll kick yourself in the future if you find out you missed a chance. There was a girl I was interested years ago. I didn't speak up and took the friend route, years later after she got married and had children - in the midst of her divorce she asked me "Why didn't you ever speak up and ask me out?" Then she proceeded to say "I should be married to you." Things are more complicated then that and I personally have no regrets since I'm happily married now... but at the time, I gave myself a huge palm smack to the forehead followed by a "DOH!" after hearing that.
When it comes to love, you've gotta be willing to take chances. The more they're worth it, the bigger the chance you gotta take....
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A
female
reader, hayyz  +, writes (28 April 2010):
personally i think u partially answered your own question. the main part of this is that she has a boyfriend and u dont know really if they are happy together or not. whilst they are together i dnt personally think you should make a move.IF it came to the point where her and her boyf broke up then talk to her about your feelings.but wot i would suggest you do is get othere and meet new people outside of work and maybe you shud try and see her as she probably sees you as. a friend.im not saying back away coz you two do sound close abut get out there and meet new peoplei hope you managed to sort out some things in your head and im sorry if this didnt helpone other thing could be jus to make a personal judgement weather you should say anything or not but i wouldnt do if she is still with her boyf
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): A few weeks ago, I wrote a letter to a close female friend of mine who I've had a crush on for months how special I thought she was and emailed it to her. I won't go into the precise details, but suffice it to say that it was pretty mushy stuff. Unfortunately, she didn't see me in a romantic light and ended up hooking up with someone else. She was sweet in her reply, but reserved. After a few days intial awkwardness, things were back to normal between us. Now, while I'm really disappointed we didn't get together, I don't for one second regret telling her how wonderful I thought she was, etc. I made it very clear that I liked her and while she didn't return my feelings she hasn't acted in any way weird or uncomfortable around me. In fact, I think it's cleared the air between us. I'm glad I got it off my chest and our friendship is as solid as ever. Now, I'm not saying things will work out the same for you, but maybe you should make your feelings clear to your friend. You don't have to hit on her directly - just make it clear to her that you like her as more than a friend. Isn't it at least worth a shot?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): I'm 24 and I am in your situation. I'm waiting for the right moment to convey my feelings, in a romantic way. Even if I am rejected, I don't mind continuing to be friends with her since we are like best friends already. I already know that when I confess, I will feel so much better anyway, to get it off my chest.
Your age range is 30-35...wtf are u waiting for? Tell her exactly how you feel. Be a man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): Heya.i have been in a similar chance but it was my best friend that made a move on me, i did not like him like that, so i told him it is not what i wanted he agreed. and we are now fine. so if you are as close as you say your are nothing can break up your fiendship. so go ahead tell her it will make you feel better, and you never no teh girl might lyk you but she may be feeling same way you are.Goodluck hun xx
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