A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Here's my situation. I have been married for 13 yrs. Three out of these years my husband and I have been apart. He rented a house but still comes here and sleep at times. We have four kids. When I asked him where are we going with our lives he says he plans to spend the rest of his life with me. Yet he is involved with a woman from his office. He says he will be with her till he completes university. She's not important to him. Yet he spends Christmas and birthdays with her, buy her stuff when he travels etc. I began seeing someone and he wend balistic. Mashing up my cell phone etc. He wants us to build a house together. Yet still he does not want to live in the house but says he will help with the payments but I cant bring no man to the house. When I speak about divorce he says he is not filing I can do it. He tells me that he loves me. When I am sick he is always there to assist. I am confused. Should I sit and wait on him or move on with my life. I dont know what to do. He has had other women before but when I found out it was over. This time is different he said I should have never put him out. I need your help in my final decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank all of you for the good advice provided. It sounds easier than it is. Separating myself from completely I am in the process of doing. He uses the kids to get at me. I am praying and trusting God for his deliverance. I was afraid of being alone but I am alone, unhappy and fustrated. This is not the life I want to live so I have taken charge of my life and a big part of that is eliminating him from it. thanks for ur support
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012): It sounds as if your husband can not settle down and he has put you in the friend zone, while he has his fun and does as he wishes. But his friendship with you, comes with conditions. You are not allowed to move on or look for another partner. You have to stick around, waiting for him to drop by and you only have the vague promise to live on that maybe one day, he will become the husband he is not being now. But it doesnt sound as if that will happen. It is nice that he looks after you if you are ill but I wouldnt set too much store by that if I were you. You are looking after his children so of course he is going to want you well asap. Not least because if you arent well, he might have to take care of them himself!I get the feeling, everything this man does, he does for a reason and its all about what he wants. I would not get involved in building a house with such a person. That could be a nightmare scenario if there were any ownership problems at a later stage. If it were me. I would start a divorce and if you can not bare to lose him completely, at least put him very firmly in the friend zone now and keep him there! No more coming back to you when it suits him. Thats not fair on you or the children. He is giving them a dreadful example of married life! He does not own you and has no right to dictate how you live your life. I would be very firm with him about it and put him in his place. He has his terms and conditions. There is nothing wrong with you having a few of your own. As for dating. That is none of his business now, so keep that side of your life private from him. I would get a good lawyer, work through the divorce as amicably as possible, then move on and not be tempted to listen to his nonsense anymore. He might love you in some way but it is not a healthy love. You and your children need more love and stability than he is willing or able to offer you all. I think you have wasted too much time on him already.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (18 May 2012):
 I'd recommend divorce. Do you really feel that low about yourself that you would even consider waiting while he's out screwing someone else, and giving you a run around? He says you can file...so do it. The reason he said he won't and that you can is to assert control over you that he has been doing. To tell his wife that he's going to be seeing another woman, but still wants to be with you, is saying that you don't matter and that he will do what he chooses, and that you'll be simply what he wants, during the times that he chooses to want you. That's not right... and it doesn't make for a healthy marriage or relationship. He's playing you like a fiddle, and if you allow that, you'll further damage your self esteem by being a puppet on his string.
You're better than this. Prove it by divorcing him, moving on, and finding someone who is with you because they want you all the time, and won't have someone else on the side.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 May 2012):
 This is a no brainer and Denise is right, though I disagree with her last paragraph.
If you decide to stay with him then I'm afraid you do deserve him. If you don't want your life to stink then don't allow stinky people into it.
To be happy you must make healthy choices and sometimes that includes risk, loss uncertainty and loneliness. Those are fleeting though. If you stay the course things will work out just fine.
My vote: dump him and don't look back. And please don't explain anything to him. It's pointless and uses up energy.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (17 May 2012):
 Your husband wants what he wants when, how, and whenever he wants it.
Since being married to you he's been involved with other women and is now carrying on with someone he works with. He tells you she's not important to him, yet he buys her things and spends Christmas with her. He's lying to you.
Not only that, he's using you and your home as a convenient place to come when he's temporarily tired of running around.
He thinks it's fine for HIM to break his marriage vows and cheat on you, but as you said, if YOU see another man he goes ballistic........I'm afraid he's treating you as though you are his property, not his wife.
You deserve better than this. If you decide to start divorce proceedings, who will get custody of the children? If you want custody, you need to make sure he pays child support. I assume this is the law where you live? If he refuses, his wages could be docked, and he could be arrested - ESPECIALLY if he threatens you with violence. Make sure you get a restraining order, plus it would be good if you have a big brother or other male friend or relative who can protect you - in addition to calling the police - when and if necessary.
Good luck; hope this response is of some help to you.
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