A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Really hope you can help me! I can't stop feeling down about something that happened quite a while ago. I was seeing this guy, it was my very first relationship so quite a significent moment in my life. I used to let guys pick me up and drop me because it felt comfortable (my Dad did that - certainly wasn't great towards me growing up). Anyway Graham was fab, he was so attentive, thoughful and, although, he was really not up for a long distance relationship bcoz he wanted to see his gf everynight he caved and asked me out. I was over the moon and felt so secure for the first time in my life. We'd been seeing each other for about 7 months before he caved and he did all the running, again something that was really nice. The night he asked me out he told me why he was going to find it hard to do the long distance thing but he liked me too much. I was so happy! For the next 2 weeks we only saw one another at the weekends but I heard from him everyday and he was making a big deal about being my boyfriend. A week later he dumped me by email. I was so shocked and couldn't understand his reasons, they didn't make much sense to me. He said "he didn't feel the way he should" and that "he would never feel that way about me". I then days later found out he's back together with his childhood sweetheart. I feel so unlovable and his words are still ringing in my head. Why could he not see himself liking me like that? And why ask me out if he didn't feel anything? I'm so upset about it all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012): You have been unlucky. He sounds as if he got into a relationship with you but was half-hearted. I suspect this other girl was in the wings, but it didn't come to anything till later. Some people can seem genuine enough, but it seems there was no depth to his feelings. I expect you are bewildered and confused. You can seldom know what goes on in someone's head sadly or make sense of it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012): Seems like you let him pick you up and drop you off for 7 months too OP.
The best advice I can give you is to go seek counselling for your paternal abandonment issues. You listened to this guys words and ignored the bigger picture.
He seemed genuine? It took him 7 months to ask you out OP and then he drops you in an instant.
This seems very much like a repeating pattern only this time the guy took a bit longer to mess you over.
Go get help OP. You let far too much slide when it comes to guys. Feeling comfortable with being used is not a good way to live your life. You need to learn how to get what you want from guys and not just be their toy. This is your first serious relationship and you're in your 30's, while there's nothing wrong with that, it has left you a little inexperienced and naive. OP we all sound so great, we all say lovely things to keep you sweet but it's the practical things we do that show who we really are. 7 months before he "caved" does not exactly say "you're the most beautiful, you're the most special" does it?
"its not like he had to tell me what I wanted to hear"
Of course it is, that's what we guys do. "Your hair is lovely, no you're not fat, you're the best sex ever, I can't stop thinking about you" we have to say all that stuff or you will really see that we're not all that interested because it's pretty obvious otherwise.
I'll never understand how so many women find it hard to read us. You raised us to understand that flattery will get us everywhere and that as long as we say the right thing, most women will ignore the reality of our situation.
What would worry me the most OP is that this all happened quite some time ago and you still haven't come to terms with it and not only that but have misdirected the blame onto yourself. OP the only thing you did wrong was not look out for your own best interests, 7 months of sweetness and sex and you didn't get him "cave" sooner. Well it's time you learned how to do that OP and not expect the worst and not to think that you're somehow unlovable or undeserving of love. You're just not giving yourself that chance because you expect guys to come and go so you don't take enough control over the situation.
Again I think you should get some help, it's having a negative effect on your ability to maintain relationships and making you feel miserable. Life's too short to have such low self-worth.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (18 May 2012):
 Hi there
It was not you, he worded the email badly for whatever reasons. He got back with his ex who,I would think he was not over and was hoping to get back with. You were a distraction, he liked you or he wouldn't have spent time with you. The distance thing wouldn't help either and to be fair he warned you he didnt want that.
So, do not blame yourself,it just wasnt meant to be.Some relationships aren't. If you only saw him for 2 weekends - I dont understand the 7 months bit before he caved - then he didnt get attached. Words are just words men say nice things its how they are.
Just move on now,get out and meet new people.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (17 May 2012):
 Well, I'm sorry you are so disappointed that Graham dropped you like that.
However, he did give you fair warning at the beginning that he wasn't really up for a long-distance relationship (just how far distant were you anyway?) because he wanted to be able to see his gf every night - though in a new relationship seeing one another that often is a bit too much. Better to start out slowly and get together once or twice a week while you get acquainted.
I don't understand what you mean when you say "we were seeing each other for about seven months before he caved...." and then apparently asked you out. How were you seeing him during those months?? Running into him when he happened to be in town, or something???
My guess is that the most charitable way to interpret what happened is to think that he liked you and WANTED to make a go of things, but his doubts about long distance proved too much. Also, it is quite likely that he wasn't really over his ex.
I'm sorry, I know you are upset and feel let down, but these things happen sometimes, unfortunately.
Can you maybe take the attitude that it wasn't all that personal to you; that he did in fact like and find you attractive, but circumstancs (distance, childhood sweetheart) caused him to not continue......?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh meant to add that the night he actually asked me out he told me he fancied me more than he had any of his other girlfriends?! And then he dumps me for one...charming and baffling. :-( its not like he had to tell me what I wanted to hear - he seemed so genuine. Even my Mum thought so and she's usually a good judge of character.
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