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*ohn0101
writes:How can I tell my children I'm gay? I have 3 children, teenage girls, and their mother died a couple of years ago. I think it's the right time to be true to myself (for the first time in 50+ years) and look for a relationship with another man. But I don't want to hurt my daughters. Should I say anything? Leave them guessing? Or continue to live a lie? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): John if you do tell them be ready for some harsh questions and tears and feelings of betrayal.
your kids will also feel that you are dishonouring (is this the right word??) their mothers memory. they may feel that u wasted their mothers life by living a lie and so forth. it also means taking a good hard look at yourself and ask why did you marry when you knew you were gay.
i am not insensitive when i say this by i think you are glad that your wife has passed on. she would have been devastated if she was alive and you left her for another man
parents coming out need to also be sensitive when they spring this secret on their better halves and kids. sensitivity and tact and respect and LOVE will help ease the revelations to follow.
good luck and please remember your kids have suffered a lot when their mother was dying. be tactful and sensitive when you make your announcement. you must be prepared for many many questions.
LoveGirl
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reader, John0101 +, writes (2 December 2010):
John0101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour replies are all so helpful - thank you. My wife and I were very close and were together until she died of cancer, after 8 years: she was only in her 40s when she died. She was my best friend, though we didn't do anything physical for quite a few years (my choice). My children were young when she was diagnosed - 4, 7 and 10 - so they've grown up witnessing the horrors of chemo, surgery and other treatments. Pretty traumatic for us all. Through all of that I've had a secret - I never discussed it with my wife though I'm sure she suspected; it would have caused too much anguish to raise the issue of my physical/emotional needs when she was effectively dying. My children have gay friends and, for people of their age, it's 'cool' for them to have gay people in their friendship circles: no-one's dad is gay though, and it's a very different matter when your own father makes such an announcement!
I'm inclined to wait until they are all at uni or have left home: early teen years just seems too young to give them another issue to think about. I'll be in my 60s by then but I suppose that even older people can come out when it's the right time to do it.
I'd welcome any comments on this. And thank you again to those wonderful people who've answered already!
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reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (2 December 2010):
 be yourself. your children will appreciate it. You can't live your whole life supressing it. I guess you will have to expect some bad feelings but it might not necessarily happen.
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reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (2 December 2010):
 I have some friends whose dad divorced their mother and revealed he was gay. The kids (3 girls & 1 boy) were all in their teens or twenties at the time. Since then, he has married his partner and the kids remain extremely close to their father.
I think you should tell your daughters now. You don't want to have to sneak around, and they are bound to find out eventually. Please use protection and be very careful. Your kids have lost their mother, and they would be devastated if they lost you.
Let us know what you decide to do. Good luck!
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reader, FreedomFalls19 +, writes (2 December 2010):
 I really think you should just tell them. They're your daughters. They should love you and accept you for who you are. And there is absolutley nothing wrong with being gay. Nothing. Love is love, you can't help it.
When you tell them, don't just come right out and say it. Arrange a family meeting or a time and place where you can all get together and talk with no distractions. Then, if you are unsure about they're feelings, ask them if they have anyone at there school is gay, and if so, how they feel about it. If not, mention a gay friend you may have and ask their opinion about gay men. Break the news to them gently, it may be hard for them to comprehend after their mothers' death, and the fact you are in another relationship.
If they deny you and think its weird, (or something in that nature) take control. You're their father. You have complete control over them. Like I said before, love is love. You can't help it.
Good luck, ok?
If you need anymore help feel free to contact me :)
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 December 2010):
 You should tell them. They would love you the same but they would probably be angry that you hid this for so long, as if you didn't trust their love for you. You will always be their father. As for telling them about finding a guy, listen to their reaction first. Some children think no one can replace mom and just expect their dads to stay single forever. You should wait till your relationship with a potential boyfriend to stabilize, then introduce him to them. I don't know about your daughters but if my dad divorced my mom and they go their separate ways and my dad brings home his boyfriend, I would be glad to meet him and get to know him. But that's just me, I am open minded.
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reader, 3mma  +, writes (2 December 2010):
I think you should say i have feelings for some one now and see how they react. tell them you loved their mother but you hv found someone else. maybe just say HE is a very nice man and ive told him all about you etc or go for something more subtle by just saying you have feelings for some one other then their mother but dont say ur gay until later when they accept you love someone else
- hope i helped good luck :)
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reader, Nime +, writes (2 December 2010):
 John, you didn't say if you and your daughters' mother were still married when she died. Had you been divorced or separated? Can you tell us more about your situation?
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