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female
age
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anonymous
writes:dear cupid,How can I tell if a married man has feelings for me or is just being kind and caring to a lonely, single, bereaved woman? We started chatting a year ago and are the same age. He "tested the waters" with me and I said no because he has a wife, so we just chat when he happens to be passing by. I am not sure if his wife knows about our talks, but I'm sure her neighbours would tell her. Our conversations have gone from fun, flirty and silly to more serious, discussing money; religion, health and family: he went out of his way to introduce me to his grandchild. The care that he shows me is something I have never experienced before from what is really just an acquaintance. He constantly looks out for me; is determined to make me happy, cancels phone calls and uses errand runs as opportunities to talk to me. Has made comforting gestures to me when I have been sad and lonely and we have had a couple of loose, friendly hugs; although he was reluctant when I initiated one because it was in public. Sometimes his jokes have been a bit cruel with teasing about my mental health and lack of height, but I think underneath he has a very kind and caring heart. I am fond of him but would not take things further because of his wife. The thing is: does he have feelings for me and where does all this lead to? He has a good job and says he is happy with his home and financial position, so I am presuming with his wife of four decades, too. It has become a running joke that he wants to get me alone and I always refuse. So why does he keep bothering with me after such a lengthy time? I sometimes get the idea that he is looking to push me into an affair but then other times he mentions his wife and I see them go out together. He has suggested that I move away to start a new life. Where is he coming from? Recently, I have decided to keep well out of his way, but I've seen him looking in and he seems so worried. He gets concerned that he's said something to offend me or I am unwell. He says he doesn't like to ring my bell, and I don't know why. I don't want to hurt him but the fact that we can't be proper friends and I can't contact him when I want to is making me unhappy, and I'm thinking of cutting him out of my life altogether. What can I say to him to get some sort of closure to this? Advice and opinions please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2021): Regarding your second bit of info question asker. Men rarely leave their wives for another woman even if the other woman is gorgeous, young, sexy, wealthy and they have had fantastic sex with her, so I don't know why you have this idea that a man would be planning to leave his wife for another woman when they have never dated, had a serious talk, slept together etc! This man is bored to tears of his wife but stays with her due to lack of money, that would be no different if you were flirting with him. He would still be wanting to stay there and just visit you with you being the bit on the side. He would be a lot happier, you would be a lot sadder.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2021): I am the person who posted the question and just wanted to say thank you to those who took the time to answer. I agree with what you say. I was not looking for permission to cheat because I have respect for his wife. I suppose I was wondering if this man was trying to get to know me better with a view to leaving his wife because maybe he was unhappy. I'm sure now that this is not the case and you have helped clarify this for me. So no, we can't be friends, which is what I was looking for. Honeypie has brought up the issue of him giving me a bad name and rumours circulating. Unfortunately, I think this might be the case and maybe I will have to ask Cupid about that next. I hope all of this may help others in a similar situation. Thanks again.
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 November 2021):
 While you are dabbling with this married guy, you are not emotionally free to move on with your life. The sooner you come to terms with the fact that there is no future in this relationship, the sooner you can start to heal from it and move on. His feelings are irrelevant.
It's in your own interest to put an end to this and move on. Stop playing at cutting him out of your life by ghosting him, knowing he will just sniff around you even more. Tell him, clearly and firmly, that you are not interested in hearing from him or seeing him again. If you do see him, walk away. You deserve better.
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female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (15 November 2021):
You've come to the wrong place seeking permission to cheat. You are missing the point of what being married means. It doesn't matter how nice he is to you or his grandchild. His true character should be based on him wanting a relationship with you while married. Nothing positive can come from this. Why on earth would you want a relationship with someone who would cheat on his wife? What he does with you, he'll do to do, remember that.
Word of warning, steer clear of this low life or you might just end up like my sister. A mistress of 22 years with 2 kids and a life of misery. She has never experience tru love. Sad.
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reader, kenny +, writes (15 November 2021):
 I think that you should steer well clear of him, nothing good will come of keeping him in your life. HE is a married man and will never leave his wife to be with you. I you keep up contact with him you could very well end up being the woman on the side, his mistress, and this is really not a good place to be in.
HE has not introduced you to his wife, i feel if his intentions were good he would have.
Cut him loose, let him go, block him and get on with your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2021): If you're asking for our permission to cheat; you've come to the wrong place. It doesn't matter if he has feelings for you, you know he has a wife. What about her feelings? You don't just go take some woman's husband because he's flirting with you. If he was your husband, how would you feel if another woman was after him?
I'm keeping this short. You know better, and even mentioned you and he discussed religion. Be that the case, then you know God's position on adultery. If you are a believer, belong to, or practice any form of faith; you know better than to sleep with married-men.
Any man who wants to sleep with you will be nice to you. Then once you've done that, and have gotten yourself all attached; there's still this problem. He has a wife, and he's not single and available. Some women are psychos, and you wouldn't know it until you've crossed one of them. That's a chance you take when you mess around with married-men. A woman scorned can make your life a living hell!
What can you say to him? "You've got a wife, be true to her!" He's not in your life, he's still married.
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 November 2021):
 I think you are playing with fire.
I don't think he CAN be your friend. If he truly wanted you to be friends he would make a point of introducing you to his wife. Because THAT is what a decent spouse does.
Might be better to just cut him off and get on with your life.
Having friends, making friends is great - but HE can't really BE a friend.
While he "might be" a caring person, he is also somewhat of a shit. you said he tried to "test the waters" with you, that is not what a decent husband does.
And guess who gets called all kinds of bad names if rumors get started because people saw you together? YOU. Not him.
Let him go.
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