A
male
age
41-50,
*d-F
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years now, however 3 years ago I signed up to some dating sites and on one I met this woman who lives near by, we talked a bit - obviously me hiding my relationship, and actually met a few times. There was a real spark there that I didn’t feel with my current girlfriend or with anyone else before.This other woman suspected I was hiding something and said we should just be friends, since then she has had a few relationships and is currently seeing someone but I don’t think he makes her truly happy. We recently reconnected after 3 years but this time she found out I am in a relationship, we still talk purely as friends but for the last 3 years she has always been on my thoughts and it’s affecting my current relationship to the point where I am unhappy there.Do I walk out on 7 years for a chance with this other woman or do I have to try and forget her?
View related questions:
spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2021): Then according to your follow-up post, your debts and bank accounts are all separate. Then what's holding you back?
You don't mention loving the woman or her kids. You've been signed-up to some dating sites, while in a relationship, for the past three years. You don't seem concerned about her feelings. You don't have to add that as an afterthought either. It can't be your conscience, because you've met a woman on a dating site...while you're in a long-term relationship. I see no reason to stay in your girlfriend's life, since you've wanted out of it for the last three years.
If you're signed-up with dating sites, you are hoping to meet women. I'll venture to speculate that this lady on-the-side isn't the first and only. There must have been others before her. Your poor girlfriend! Those kids are at least 8-10 years old. It's best when they're school-aged, when dealing with breakups and divorces. You can explain things to them; and they can figure some things out for themselves.
Are you hoping she'll find-out about the lady you've met online, and just leave you? That way, you won't look like the bad-guy; because she decided to end it. There will be her version of why she left you, and you'll make up your own. Easy-peasy?
Just end-it and go! She'll struggle alone for awhile; but she'll find a way to survive, by the grace of God. She'll be better-off in the long run.
A
male
reader, Chip  +, writes (14 November 2021):
 It sounds to me that you are a bit fickled and wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Yes, this is cheating and you are doing it because you are still wanting to keep your gf and play with other women too. I guess you know that she can play this game to and if you find out that she is seeing other men, are you going to get pissed? She has the right to do the same thing you're doing and, for some reason, I hope she is.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2021): This made me so sad to read and not for you sorry.You have been with a women for 7 years and thought it would be absolutely fine to go on dating sites behind her back?Sorry but regardless of what the other women is doing or saying you should at least let your current girlfriend go.What about your girlfriend's feelings? What about the the fact she has thought she is in a loving relationship for 7 years and you have cheated and lied to her?What about how hurt and embarrassed she would feel to learn you are only holding on to her until you get a better offer?I didn't read one thing there of you having any remorse or thoughts on what your current girlfriend is feeling or the hurt you have caused her?Leave her with some dignity and leave her alone to meet someone who won't lie and cheat on her.What if your current girlfriend signed up for dating apps and is meeting men behind your back, do u feel absolutely fine about that? As of the other women I hope she has now seen you for the cheat you are.Sorry this isn't the comfortable answer you were looking for but your actions are not okay.Look at yourself and how you are treating people before attempting to dive another relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2021): The reason you stay with your girlfriend may be to do with finances but it is also to do with you knowing - deep down - that none of the others would ever work out and you would end up all alone if you left her. There is something about you, a callous, ruthless, nasty, selfish streak that erodes a woman's feelings for you gradually as they realise it. The woman you are with has picked up that you are not really into her and only there for convenience and thinks little of you, in fact I very much believe she is thinking of or seeing someone else herself and it will only be a matter of time before she dumps you.If I asked her what she thinks of you she would not say anything complimentary, only negatives. She does not fancy sex with you either because you are useless at satisfying a woman physically. But like a typical empty headed immature and childish guy you think oh she doesnt want me I must find someone else. As if she is inadequate and needs to be replaced at times, not you.There are a lot of women out there like your poor girlfriend who tolerate a guy for various reasons.Sometimes they lack confidence. But one thing they all have in common is not loving or liking the guy they are with. Think on that. Because this is the guy you arrogantly believe other women are queueing up for.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 November 2021):
 How about you ask the woman who thinks she has been in a relationship with you for the past seven years what SHE thinks you should do? If she has a shred of dignity, she will take the decision out of your hands and dump your cheating using ass.
You are a user. You do not love your girlfriend, yet you stay with her because you currently have no better offers. She deserves someone who treats her with respect and who is loyal to her.
As for the "spark" you feel with this new woman, that is more commonly known as lust and, believe me, it soon burns out. If she has an ounce of common sense, she will steer clear of a cheating specimen like you. No decent woman deserves to be in a relationship with a user like you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Ed-F +, writes (12 November 2021):
Ed-F is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to some of WiseOwlE’s comments.
She has 2 children from a previous relationship, none between us.
Our finances are separate, we have our own bank accounts. The rent, utilities and food etc comes out of mine, she pays me a set amount a week out of her wages as a contribution to the bills.
Only debts are my own brought on by a job situation a few years ago
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2021): **Scratching My Head**Now Shaking My Head**
You don't seem to be committed to your girlfriend. You don't mention any children; but I will assume your finances are intertwined like a couple of married-people. You might have a few shared credit cards or joint bank accounts. Shared-debt (or kids) is why most unmarried-couples in long-term relationships/faux marriages are hesitant to breakup. Is this the case?
You don't seem to realize seeing other women, while in a committed-relationship, is cheating on your girlfriend. I may be presumptuous in my thinking, but you didn't say you were in an open-relationship. Maybe you are, but your girlfriend doesn't know it! If you attempt to add it as an afterthought, don't expect anyone with half a brain to believe you. You would have said so right off the bat, if that was the case.
Your post is a no-brainer. Breakup, and go for it!
If you don't know how to undo or separate your finances, assuming that is hindering you from leaving your girlfriend, consult an attorney.
At least payoff half the debt in good-faith. Draw-up a legal-agreement regarding your share of owed debt; and have it signed and witnessed by a public notary. Attempt an amicable breakup, if that is plausible.
You are so casual about sharing the fact you signed-up with some dating sites, while still in a relationship, that you come across as quite cavalier and insensitive.
Just end-it, but don't leave her in debt that you may have incurred or co-signed on. If you've signed a lease, forfeit your share of the rent deposit; if you plan to move-out.
I'll end this with an **eyeroll!**
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2021): Your girlfriend deserves better. Let her go so that she can find better. You, in the meantime, will not find better because in the end, you will keep hopping from person to person because you have no idea what REAL love or commitment is. Look at yourself in the mirror and stop hurting other people. You are the problem here. Your deceit, selfishness and inability to be straight forward and honest with your girlfriend is on you. I am sure she has wondered why you are acting funny or distant or are not attentive towards her. I suspect you have had this relationship pattern well before you met your girlfriend. Have you bailed on other women when the spark fades? Because I've got news for you. The spark isn't meant to last. It is supposed to turn into LOVE. Maybe the spark has turned into love for your girlfriend? But not you. And she remains committed to you while you shop around. That is beyond cruel to reward a person's love and devotion to you by looking for a plan B. And pretending everything is okay and stringing along another person because you cannot get your head on straight and do not have the balls to be honest. Sorry if my directness offends, but you asked, and it needs to be said! I feel sorry for your girlfriend!All relationships level off once the infatuation phase wears off. ALL. It is you who has lost the spark because you have taken emotional (physical?) investment away from your current relationship and have invested it elsewhere. How can your girlfriend succeed in making you happy when you do not tell her you are unhappy and then rush off to the next available female??? You are the one who is ruining your relationship and it is no wonder you feel no spark with your girlfriend. You are not giving her a chance!!! Instead of fixing what is wrong, you are trying to land another woman once this relationship implodes, because it will. You are making sure of it!!!! You can keep meeting others and live in this non sustainable fantasy phase with every new person you meet, but in the end OP you will end up alone. Because you are flawed and so is everybody else. This new woman is not in your everyday life. It is easy to idolize her and make her into something she is not. In reality, once you would enter into a relationship with her, you will also get bored of her. You would see all her flaws and her baggage and annoying habits. Infatuation is short lived. This lady is only appealing because you cannot have her and because you have allowed these unrealistic fantasies to take over your mind. The intrigue and anticipation are bitter sweet, are they not? Hasn't anyone ever told you that you can pine after something and make it into some grand romance and then once she is in your clutches, you will eventually take her for granted too? She will disappoint you too? Think about it. Long and hard. You are being a total asshole. I know for a fact there are a lot of good men out there waiting for a woman like your girlfriend. I will end with this quote which is thoroughly appropriate for you... "A man has two options in a relationship: Either stand up and be the man she needs or sit down, so she can see the man behind him." It is time for you to sit down OP.
...............................
A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (12 November 2021):
This woman off the dating site is smart. She knows you're hiding something and doesn't want to be in the middle of your secrets.
How horrible are you? Going on a dating site, yet in a relationship. End your relationship with your current girlfriend. She deserves a good, honest and caring man in her life. Not a sly, cheating liar like you..
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2021): Have some respect for your girlfriend. She deserves better. Let her move on to find someone better who actually loves her and treats her right.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 November 2021):
 If the "dating site woman" is smart she will not touch you with a 50-foot pole.
It's NOT the "talking" with the "dating site woman" that is making you unhappy, you already WERE unhappy in your relationship.
You should have left your GF 3 years ago when you were so "unhappy" that you thought it was OK to go on dating sites.
Why stay with someone when you know she isn't the one for you?
Because if your GF had been the one for you, you wouldn't be on dating sites looking for "greener grass".
Yes, you should end it with your GF of 7 years so SHE can move on and find someone who WANTS to be with her and WANTS to be faithful.
Whether or not the "dating site woman" would work out for you or not, is impossible to tell. Most likely you will find that the grass isn't greener elsewhere but where you water and take care of the grass (aka the relationship).
You are not being a decent partner, OP You just "wasted" 7 years of your GF's life that she COULD have spent with someone who really wanted to be with her. Let her go.
Be single a while BEFORE jumping into a new relationship. Going from one relationship to another without taking the time to really figure out why it didn't work, makes it more likely that the next relationship with fail too. Because you didn't learn from whatever "issues" that caused the break-up.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (12 November 2021):
 I think you should have walked 3 years ago. I think signing up to a dating site, and then meeting another woman is devious and disrespectful to your current girlfriend of 7 years.
You clearly don't want to be in this relationship, you are still thinking about someone else, so i have to ask why you are still with her. You are essentially cheating on her,maybe not physically, but you have met up with someone else, and your still thinking about them, in my book that's cheating and i think she deserves better.
How would you feel if she went behind your back and met up with someone off of a dating site?. My guess is you would be angry, hurt, and feel the trust has been broken.
I think the correct thing to do here is end things with your girlfriend of 7 years and move on.
...............................
|
