A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I'm ashamed to be in an abusive relationship. It's less the abuse and more keeping the secret that is killing me slowly. I feel that even if I managed to make up my mind and leave, I would wilt under the reactions of my family. For the past couple years, my entire life and future have been built around my fiancée. Realistically I could change trajectories and focus on something else instead... But I've been telling everyone about these shared plans. I'd feel like such a fool to admit that I've been in this awful position and lied about it the entire time. No one would ever trust me again. I don't even trust me— I doubt that I could ever have an intimate relationship without being abused. This is a place for advice though, not just venting, so here is my question: I'm not ready to leave, but assuming I was, how could I break the news to my family? And how could I cope with their understandably negative reactions? To be clear, my family cherish me and want the best for me, so I assume they'd be less judgemental and more horrified. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2021): The problem is that you don't like yourself very much or don't think u deserve better. It sounds like your family doesn't appreciate you or believe In you either. You need therapy. I would recommend at least look up Lee hammock on youtube. He could help you understand alot about narcisstic abuse. Become familiar with common tactics gaslighting and how to identify and deal with them. Why does it matter to you what your family says or thinks? They are their own people and not the ones living your life. Its as though what they think about you matters more than your own experience. Its very clear u have no life outside this marriage. If you at least had a couple close friends they would have told you how bad your relationship is. Get used to people judging you because that is inescapable. Allow yourself to admit and accept your mistakes before attempting to correct them. Also realize your husband doesn't like you for the person you are. He thinks he owns you. The sooner you accept that the sooner you could move on.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (15 November 2021):
 The worst prisons are the ones we build for ourselves by worrying about what others think of us. You can't stay in an abusive relationship just because someone may think badly of you for walking way. Saving face cannot be more important than your safety and wellbeing.
Regardless of what anyone here says, you won't leave until you have had enough and are ready to leave. Hopefully that won't take too long.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2021): Tell your mum first, discretely she might be horrified at first but she will understand more than anybody else. She will help you . you are still her little girl. Mums are there for this reason so do not hesitate. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2021): I would assume that your fella has worked on you so much that you now doubt yourself.You even second guess the supposed reaction of family and friends.You didnt jump into this relationship with the intention that you would learn to doubt yourself and with the future knowledge that you could become so isolated by your fellas behaviour that you would blame yourself.I expect he started out absolutely ready to charm the stars out of the sky.He worked super hard trying to get you to believe that he was 'the one' and he would have told you how much he would be faithful to you and what a wonderful future you could have together.This good side of his character is what you have tried to convey to your family, but over the course of time you have become aware of a more sinister side to his character.And finally you have had to face the terrible truth that the nice guy with the wonderful plans was a sham and the cruel side of his character represents a danger to you.No-one is going to blame you for his maltreatment of yourself.It's important that you remember that because somehow he has projected into your mind that you are responsible for his actions.We all know that it is impossible to be responsible for another adults actions.Only they can be responsible and be held to account for their misdeeds.You don't deserve their mistreatment no matter what they say.The thing that troubles me is your age because you are so young you may never have gone through a breakup before.My advice to you is not to tell him it's all over.Do not explain to him that you don't love him anymore.He will put you through hell if you try to explain.You don't owe an abusive person an explanation.You save that for kind-hearted souls who have the capacity to understand the sensitivities of this world.An abusive situation is best treated as a fire: You get out and you stay out.You need to secretly shut the door behind you and walk away from the property as fast as you can on an ordinary day when he is nowhere near and then go to your mums, dads, sister, brother, friends house and tell them that you've had enough and that your former partner is abusive behind closed doors.You can consult the police about your own property etc and seek help from agencies that support abused women.But all you have to do to leave is to walk out, without an explanation, without tears and arguments , for any reason whatsoever, even just to buy a loaf of bread,or when he's at work. I recently saw an older lady, dressed only in her dressing gown slip out of her house and down the sidewalk. She wasn't dressed for the weather but was wearing makeup.She had her mobile with her and was saying : "I didn't expect he'd leave the door unlocked today!"And she was gone ..Who knows where.So if you think your situation could get worse and he would try to take your mobile from you or throttle you in a burst of anger just get out as soon as possible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2021): You MUST think about yourself and not others!
You have made a mistake, don't let it define you.
Move on.
When you take a good look at who is asking this question: "What will my family/friends say?"
you'll see that it's your ego, vanity, hurt pride, fear of rejection, fear of facing with your own humanity - people make mistakes...
I'd keep the details to the minimum, do not over-explain... just remember that what is weighing on you now is what you had said about your relationship and your plans! So, do not over-share. Words have a tendency of coming back to haunt us. You are in a very emotionally charged situation. Start seeing a therapist and vent there.
I'd simply say that I have let because the relationship was becoming unhealthy and his behavior disrespectful.
I'm 44 years old. I could say that the situation made me invest in my husband more than in myself. It would be true, but there's also a part where for me it had been easier.
Good for you that you are not taking the easy way.
Speaking of therapy, you need to understand WHY you go for such partners and such relationships. And my dear, be prepared to discover that there was or might still be a problem in the family you came from. They are the ones who formed you. They formed your way of thinking, including the "what will they say" thought... one way or another.
Courage is not just something that some people have. It's making right decisions even when it's hard. It's doing what's right.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2021): "To be clear, my family cherish me and want the best for me, so I assume they'd be less judgemental and more horrified."
Knowing this, you've got a good family-connection and something you can work with. They would be quicker to support you than to rush to judgment. You have to trust them. Of course, they'd be horrified! You would too, if it was one of your siblings; or your own mother!
Vent as much as you like. The writing and expression is also therapeutic!
First let me say, I'm deeply sorry to read that someone so young is caught-up in such a situation. You're still in a stage of your psychological-development into maturity; and you don't need this kind of situation just starting out in life. You're barely an adult.
Shame or pride should never bar you from seeking help! You're young, so a certain amount of stretching the truth and a little exaggeration is common in our youth. We see the world from a youthful perspective; with optimism and just a little dab of fantasy. You should never hide when you are being abused or mistreated. Especially, not because you're afraid of the reaction you'd get from people who love you! Suffering in silence and hiding behind a façade of happiness seems to be symptomatic of our technological-age. Social media teaches us we should always present an image of happiness and success. You want to be accepted and you want approval, at any cost!
Sweetheart, please please please go to whomever you trust the most! Tell them what you're going through. It's hard to leave when you're trying so hard not to worry people; but what would worry them more is to find-out after some tragedy takes place. Maybe somehow you've undergone physical harm, or you are seriously emotionally-traumatized. If you can endure his abuse, why can't you handle concerned reactions from your own family who loves you?
I pray to God, that you will do it before things reach a level that you can't find a way out! So many young-women get sucked into lives with abusive or manipulating-men; and it becomes a series of bad-relationships. One after another! It changes them, they become almost unrecognizable! They'll lose hope; and lose all sense of their self-awareness and self-worth. It becomes all about him, and he takes control of everything; until he has worn you down to nothing. Abusive-men will isolate you from your family and friends to gain more control over you; and to hide what he's doing to you!
Nothing is more horrible than finding-out something terrible that was always hidden from you about someone you love! Then you feel you should have sensed something, maybe you didn't read subliminal cries for help, and somehow your cries were missed. Imagine the guilt everyone would feel; because they couldn't see what was happening to you right under their noses, but didn't know! If they do become horrified, they'd immediately slip into protective support-mode! Yes, you may even get a few "I told you so's!"
Chances are, someone among your family-members picked-up on something wrong, or something off about him! You probably did your best to dissuade them from seeing anything wrong about the guy you've chosen to love!
Are you more afraid of how they would judge you, or what they'd think of HIM? You don't want to be pressured to leave him! You are subconsciously protecting him! That's symptomatic of living in abusive-relationships! You develop a form of Stockholm Syndrome, and you become protective of your abuser. Plus, you probably don't want to admit you've made a bad-choice; if someone has been telling you all along, they didn't think he was right for you. You've probably done everything you could to prove otherwise!
You're too young for this, get out of it...NOW!!! Tell somebody, and the heck with all that stuff going through your mind about their horror! You are in a bad place, and you need to get out of there!!! Sooner, rather than later!!! When you're so paralyzed by fear and/or trauma you don't know what to do!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 November 2021):
 Don't beat yourself up, just do what is right for YOU and get out.
Your family might think all kinds of things but you can't control that, nor can you control your partner.
You can read their minds either OP. So while you may think they don't know that he is an abusive asshat, you might be surprised how people pick up little things here and there.
It's less important that they "trust" you. You getting away from him and moving on SAFELY is what matters.
You making plans with an abusive partner doesn't mean you are not trustworthy. It means you were not able AT THAT TIME to get away, maybe you weren't ready to leave or able.
Anyone who wants to accuse a victim is not someone you need around you.
If you need their support and love, BE honest with them, but YOU get to decide how much you want to share.
And find a therapist when you are able. Friends and family can't be your therapists. They can, however, be your support if they choose.
"I doubt that I could ever have an intimate relationship without being abused."
That right there is WHY you need to find a therapist. So you can work on being healthy and attracting a HEALTHY partner and having a HEALTHY relationship in the future. You are not automatically "doomed" to only have abusive relationships from now on.
Be safe and know HIS behavior is NOT your responsibility you are NOT responsible for his actions.
Lastly, it's really not uncommon for people in abusive and unhealthy relationships to make their partners look MUCH better than they are. Don't worry about that. Focus on what is important. That is YOU, the people you love, and getting away from your partner safely.
Chin up. You have a family that loves you. You can do this.
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A
male
reader, Chip +, writes (14 November 2021):
 This is your life and you have to decide what to do for yourself. If your family thinks badly for you because of what you decide to do, then I would say that they are wrong. You are an adult and surely you can see what's best for you. Don't worry about what others think or say, as long as YOU feel that you're making the decision that's best for you.
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