A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend are in a relationship of 3 years, we have sex very often, all the time he likes having rough sex and I don't know how to tell him that he hurts me sometimes without making him feel bad? What do I say?
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female
reader, Jesc +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Personally, I understand where you come from, My boyfriend as sad to say can not get up unless it's painful or rough. I myself can handle this. Yet there are times where I can not do it when he want's too. The best thing I learned first was a safe word. The safe word when used is meant to be the stopping of it. Example; If he starts hurting you and you really can not take anymore say "Sick Bubble Gum" he should stop immediately. You should try to talk to him about it. Bring the safe word thing up see if he is okay with this. He should be due to the fact that you are in pain with him. You need to let him know this too. Let him know (if you are okay with it) "that I don't mind getting a little rough, but you do hurt me at times." You should try communication with him.
I'm sure he doesn't really mean to hurt you like you are hurting. It takes a lot of trust to even try this. You are trusting him with something. So you need to let him know this. I really hope you will be okay. Please please just try talking to him about it if you do not like my suggestions. Let us know how it goes.
A
male
reader, yankit +, writes (23 April 2010):
There's a great old song about "i like the man with the slow hands' maybe you could get that and listen to it with him...tell him that's what turns you on.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 "Ouch!"
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 April 2010):
 He'll feel worse finding out later that you are being hurt. Just be honest. "Ouch!" is perfectly acceptable to say if it hurts.
When you say, "all the time he likes rough sex", do you ever have sex the way YOU like it? Do you ever talk about what you like in sex?
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 With calm and cold mind, you have to be communicative. Here is your dialog; Sex must be as soft as flower, so the method one choose must not be hurting but pleasuring. Hurting is the proof that method so employed is mistaken, and required immediate and urgent attention, otherwise losing of interest in sex is possible.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 You say 'ouch' the second you get hurt.
That should be cue enough for him to adjust a bit, ... and if he doesn't, you can just say, 'softer','slower' etc, whatever it is you need to alleviate any discomfort.
It is not offensive to do so, especially not in the moment and in discomfort, ... just say it, just adjust, just continue on more comfortably.
If he is a good guy, then he will not want to hurt you, will be sad when he finds out thathe has, and then be glad to work with you to make sure it does not happen in future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): The mark of a good relationship is being able to talk about these kind of things without making the other feel bad. If you tell him he is hurting you, he'll probably tone it down. If he doesn't, then he is completely selfish and that is a big warning sign that he only cares about his own pleasure.
Another thing you can try is suggesting alternatives. Have you ever heard of Tantric sex? This is a slow and prolonged process that emphasizes the emotional connection sex offers. It can't be done hard and fast.
Good luck. If you don't tell him, I have a feeling that resentment will build in you. The key is to be candid but not accusatory. Let him know you want him to be happy, but the way you are currently having sex hurts. That doesn't mean you can't ever have rough sex, just mix it up sometimes.
Hope this helps.
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