A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I wrote earlier in the week about finding out that my boyfriend of one year, had been married for 3 years. I was devastated, accused him, he denied it, called me crazy, I gave him proof, he back paddled, we cried, I asked him to leave. He did. Recently he has made small attempts to communicate. I ignore them. I've been remembering parts of our relationship, that brought me here. And now believe he might have a narcissistic personality disorder.1. In the beginning, he asked to borrow money. 2. He didn't get anything for my bday. Said he was mine to open whenever.3. He wanted me to buy him stuff all the time.4. We both work at same company, I am highly valued, he is getting there. When I received raise and praise, he was mostly angry. Also whenever I had suspicions about him and another woman, he called me crazy, paranoid, jealous. 5. In anger I threatened to expose him, tell his wife, boss. I didn't, I was hurt, angry and ranting. He was angry and I know he wanted to hit me, but held back. I wanted to hit him, instead I ran out. Told my family, stayed with friends, the next day he and I shared a cry, but I ended it right there and then.6. Sex was all about him. He insisted on his pleasure first, mine came second. Usually ended in a cuddle. God I was stupid.My questions are, we work together, I have no urge to reconcile, but I've stumbled across npd info, and am worried as he shows many symptoms, people with npd sound SCARY. How can I survive working with him? Leaving the company is not an option at this time. Definitely in a year. Can I survive a year? Should I inform Someone at work about my concerns? He is admired, charming, and I'm beginning to think I will sound like a crazy person if I talk about this...please any insights advice are greatly appreciates..thank you.
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at work, jealous, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): OP here---
Thank you thank you so very much for your insights and honest and upfront, will heed to advice.
I was hurt, still am. Still scared of my own emotions.
I have an amazing support system in friends and family I did not know I had
And now also amazing compassionate strangers too!
Thank you, take care
A
male
reader, oneguy +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Hi Maam,I perfectly understand your situation. I had a similar situation, not quite the same, but it was extremely saddening for me.I had a roommate who was much younger than me during college, and I bonded well with him initially, and let him take liberties with me in many ways. Slowly, he started disrespecting me, forgetting how much I taught him and mentored him. He downright insulted me many times and I was very hurt, but I couldn't tear him apart right then and there because I was finding it hard to do that to him, and it only got worse.Finally, we graduated, and I chose a team in my company, and though he had no interest or experience in that field whatsoever, he just followed me and guess what - he sweet talked my manager into getting the work I was supposed to get (he sweet talked ME into telling me what work I was looking for etc before doing this). He took liberties to blatantly stare into my CORPORATE EMAIL while at work, sitting right next to me!Such people are horrible parasites. They rise up at others' expense.Maam, don't worry - first get this into your mind - your ex is nothing and he can do nothing to you. Second, you DON'T NEED HIM. AT ALL. Third - NEVER mix personal life with professional life. The moment this man entered your office as a colleague, he is off limits in your personal life.Maam, don't be scared. You are probably scared that he will hurt you. You are scared because you didn't gett the heart to finish him off and now he seems bigger than you can handle because all your thoughts are of him. It's him him him all the time. If that is how it is, how in the world can you do anything else that will help you rise?Calm down, and do this with focus and diligence - Focus on your work. Period. Do your work. And get a boyfriend. Yes. Even if it is temporary. Get a boyfriend. Or do something else to completely take your mind off the parasite. Stop feeding him and fattening him. He doesn't ever care a shit for you. He is the kind who will use you and throw you like a paper towel. The crying is all acting.You are way too stronger than him. When you kicked him out for his betrayal and manipulation, you showed the world and yourself how strong you are. I've seen so many women on this site saying they melted or they accepted scumbags back and they still dwell on how they can get back with the sobs!Maam, love will come into your life. I promise you. I promise on God. I don't even care how you look or whatever but in my mind my impression about you is simply rock solid beautiful.Now coming to talking to someone - try going to a personal counselor. I once conveyed some disappointment with my manager in a previous company to a person in the HR, and she promised to keep it confidential. The next day, my manager asked me what was the need to talk to the HR!! I was like holy shit. So please avoid broaching personal stuff with people at work. Please do seek help with some real good counselors and just HANG ON TO YOUR FAMILY REAL TIGHT! Nobody is better than family in such situations!All the best. I really know how you must be feeling, and that is why I if you feel the need to talk to me, you're welcome to send me an individual message on this site. I will be happy to at the very least listen.Cheer up Miss! :)Syonara!Best Regards,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): "You are better off not embroiling yourself in any more drama with him."
This is good advice. It will be difficult but just avoid him and have NO CONTACT until either he leaves or you decide to leave the company. Change your phone number and email if possible.
Don't talk to anyone about him as it will make you look crazy most likely.
Just spend this time trying to heal from your relationship with him. It doesn't really matter if he has npd or not, he is bad news.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): Beware diagnosing people with information you find over the internet, if he in fact has npd, than you are probably not the first person to notice it.You did the right thing cutting it off with him though he probably finds it incredibly humiliating.It probably won't be an easy year but I would suggest:-Don't tell anyone about your past with him. I'm not sure where you work, but as a woman, people may be likely to judge you for getting involved with a married man. (Even if you didn't know.)-Don't show fear in front of him. He probably thrives on it because it makes him feel bigger than he actually is. Be confident or at least pretend to be. If you are competent at your job as you say you are and if you've been there a while, then you should last a year.-Document everything he sends you in case he it comes to the point where you have to talk to a supervisor.-This guy sounds vindictive. Beware revenge. Do you job, but don't let him do you any favors.-Start looking elsewhere for a job. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (6 February 2011):
Keep your business to yourself. Is there a rule on not dating the people you work with? Many companies have this rule so you should look into it. If so, definitely do not say anything. Just put that relationship behind you as best as possible and be cordial at work. Take a no hard feelings approach. Be nice to him around your co workers and if you want to ignore him when it is just the two of you. You will need to put on a front and play a part for however long it takes you to heal. After a year if you can move up in your position and get a new job then do it and leave him behind. My question is you did not see any signs? Was he staying with you at all over night? Did you two go on dates or anything? What about the holidays? Did you two spend them together? I hope things work out for you.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (6 February 2011):
 I think he sounds like your typical douche. I'm pretty sure you'll look like the bad guy if you start talking to people about your psychiatric diagnosis for him. It also sounds like he's not threatening you or a danger to others, even if people with the disorder are, you don't know if he is, and this would just come off as an ex girlfriend's ravings--unprofessional and immature, especially cause your examples, "we'd cuddle" that's not really here nor there. You are better off not embroiling yourself in any more drama with him.
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