A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, I've got a question, although a bit hesitant to begin with I decided to post it anyway to see what people think. (I'll explain a bit of the background as well). If you do read it all and reply, thank you so much.I've been seeing my girlfriend for nearly a year now. Before me she had a boyfriend on and off for about 4 years (more on than off though).When we began dating things went fairly fast, we slept together quite quickly but things were good.A few months into our relationship, she decided that she didn't want to be in a relationship and just wanted a little freedom. During this time she met up with her ex boy friend, and things seemed like they didn't go to well.We carried on sleeping together through this period, and then summer came when she went away on holiday for a couple of weeks. Once she had returned we continued to sleep together (no strings attached).Now, in August time, I decided it wasn't a good idea that we carried on sleeping together, as in my mind it was doing more harm than good. I wanted to move on, see new girls etc.This was fine for around a week, I was doing my best to ignore her but staying polite, then she wouldn't stop calling me, turning up at my house un-announced, generally making my life a little stressful. She wanted to get back together for good, realizing how much she had missed me etc.We decided that we would get back together and take things slow. Now this is where the problem arose, a few days after deciding that, she recieved a call from her ex-boyfriend, saying that he had paid for plane tickets and a hotel in france. She said to me that she really wanted to end things with him once and for all, and because of the way he is, going on this holiday would probably help things rather than make matters worse. (He's great at making peoples lives a living hell).She went away on this week, being the person I am, I was worried sick, but she kept reassuring me nothing would happen.Once she got back, I had made up my mind that I didn't want things to continue the way they were (worrying about her ex constantly, whether or not she would leave me and get back with him).I went a bit crazy that week, got with a few girls, did somethings I now regret. I recieved a message from her, saying that she wanted me back and that said "I'm scared, I think I'm in love with you".Since we've gotten back together, things have been really really good. I'm madly in love with her, thing's we've both done have been forgiven and forgotten. He hadn't contacted her and she hadn't contacted him.Now, her ex boyfriend (I forgot to mention he moved away) is now back in the same city, and he is contacting her, texting, asking to do things with her etc, although she is brushing all of his requests off, I really hate the idea of him playing any part of her life.He makes a conscious effort to get in touch with her. Saying that he wishes that they were back together, inviting her to work out together etc, none of which she accepts.It makes me really paranoid, just the fact that they were together for so long. I'm also finding that because of this, I'm changing, I'm not myself anymore. I try to be more, I'm constantly telling her I love her and I'm ALWAYS complimenting her (a little more than I probably should), it feels like I am always in her face, and I ask her daily about him, has he contacted you today? I'm just so scared of losing her and I'm afraid that I'm going to push her away.I've spoken to her about her replying and speaking to him, she says that she just does it to be polite, and that there aren't any other intentions.She's asked me whether I want her to completely stop talking to him, I said, I want you to stop speaking to him but I don't want to be the guy who tells you who you can and can't speak to (like he was). I just want her to be happy.I think I'm just being paranoid and a little sensitive, I'm generally used to things going wrong when I'm in a relationship.I treat her like a princess, and probably let her get away with a little too much. I know things have been a bit rocky for us but we have so much fun together and we get along really well. There are always little thoughts in the back of my mind and I can't seem to budge them.The more I read over this message, the more I realize that they are small things, but my mind is amplifying them, into something that most probably is not happening.I still think I need advice, how can I stop the paranoia, how can I convince her to stop being polite to her ex.I'll stop now, thanks for reading if you did, your thoughts would be appreciated :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (31 December 2008):
 Blue_Angel's really having a bad day!*LOL* I have no idea how I got my advice on this page listed as annonymous. So YES that's really me that posted to the thread and signed it Blue_Angel. 8-)
Thanks for reading and HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Blessings,
Blue_Angel
A
female
reader, kelleeashton +, writes (31 December 2008):
 you have every right to be paranoid. it is affecting your daily life and she should care enough to cut off contact and she should respect your wishes. its not controlling. im 18 and i leave guys pretty easy and i would not leave you for that. im not exactly relationship material because i don't want one and that sounds like somethin i would do. i love one guy and were not together but when we were he was just like you. he would never ask me not to do something so he didn't come off as "controlling" and even said once "i don't want to be that guy that tells you not to do something" because he loves me too. he also treated me like a princess and let me get away with WAY too much. but i never took advantage of it. i didn't do it cause i cared for him that much and repected the hell out of him. he was my only real relationship and all other guys i don't care. theres a difference between committment and not. and if she does leave you she was sincerely not worth your time because she wasn't committed. you should realize you made a mistake and cut off contact with her. but if she loves you and you love her it won't be a problem, shell stop talking to him and you two will be happy. sorry to sound so harsh. good luck!
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A
female
reader, Nycee25 +, writes (31 December 2008):
Stop doubting yourself; you aren't doing anything wrong or suffering from paranoia. That would mean that there is no evidence of something going on, but in this case, it’s right in front of your face.
Your girlfriend's ex seems to have given her a challenge. The struggle of trying to stabilize a shaky relationship after four years has probably created an attachment between the two of them. In the beginning of your relationship, your girlfriend was going back and forth between you and her ex, but she chose you because she knew that you are the better man for her. She doesn't want to loose you because you are the nice guy and the safe haven.
In the same token, she probably still gets a thrill out of her ex. I doubt if she is still seeing him now, but you never know what she will do in the future with him just because it is evident that she is weak for him.
If I were you, I would find someone who put the same amount of effort in the relationship as you do and that didn’t have so much baggage. The feelings are not mutual between you and your girlfriend; she seems to be walking all over you. If she can't give you enough respect not to reply to his messages, you should kick her to the curb. It's not like you have no evidence that there is/was some thing going on; it's out in the open.
Please stop driving yourself crazy, man up and find yourself a new girl. Oh, and please don’t let this experience change you, stay sweet and just learn from this experience.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): From what you have said I am gathering she may be torn between two lovers. If she wanted to leave him as a friend and let it go, taking a trip with him was totally way out there! Perhaps he is very manipulative but since he has been with him for 4 years chances are she has real feelings for him. Her confusion about the issues of her past and those of her present are making you unstable and paranoid. I doh ope that you can find the strength to set her straight that it has to be over, done with and forgotten for the two of you to move forward. I don't see any real problem for being cordial to an ex but a VACATION with the Dude is way too much. This carried things in my opinion to the extreme. I am not sure that her intentions were to dismiss him it perhaps wes her last effort to see if anything for left in her feelings for him. Besides that a vacation is nice, but if she went for that alone, it wasn't fair to you.You need to talk this all out and let her know that you won't allow yourself to be mistreated or disrespected any longer. She has to make a clear and consious choice. Let her know that her friendship with this guy is stirring up all kinds of bad vibes with you. You have to be honest here or she will misinterpret things and probably continue to do exactally the same things. If she can't see your point and adhere to the idea of backing off from this guy then you are better off to find someone who will be able to give you the relationship you need. One with no one else in the middle! As far as the NO STRINGS ATTATCHED thing.........what kind of relationship do you think that really is? It's virtually a non existant one. Certainly it isn't one to waste your valuable time on when it's already clear that you aren't Number 1 in her eyes. If you were after almost a year she would surely be ready for a real committed relationshp with YOU!The reasons she really is doing sll these things you mentioned are her own. You may never understand them. She however makes the choices and doesn't respect you enough to even see that she is really hurting you by her actions. If by slight chance she see's then she really doesn't respect you enough to care.Sometimes we walk so softly upon another's heart they can't feel all the love we have inside.It's when we find the strenght to walk away that we sometimes are missed more than we are ever loved.Missing someone doesn't always mean the kind of love we want to capture and hold dear.Sometimes walking away gives us a better chance at finding the love we so cherish.That is LOVE from ONE HEART TO ANOTHER with NOTHING LYING IN BETWEEN.MY BEST TO YOU FOR A HAPPY NEW YEAR AND A BETTER BEGINNING!God bless, Blue_Angel^(**)^
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