A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,Quick outline to my situation: I live with my friend, who's also a work colleague. We sleep together also, in the same bed every night (we do have separate bedrooms though.) We moved in together after breaking up with our long term partners. At home, we act as though we are together, but we are not an item.However, he is very specific about us having our own social networks. I do not have many friends here as I moved from out of town. He has lived here all his life. We have a couple of friends who we see together but he has another group of friends. I have asked previously if I can come out with him when he sees them but he tells me I am invading his life and that he's not responsible for me and it's not his fault I have few friends. He says he does not think I would get on with his friends so he would feel like his time is divided. Then he reminds me we are not a couple and therefore I have no right to come out with his friends. There are two friends of his - a couple, who he invites out often with his friends I'm not allowed to see, even if his friends do not invite them. She is an ex of someone he used to know, and he bumped into her a few months ago, but now he takes any opportunity to see them, even going back to their flat if he is out with them. He has good friends he's not seen for months or years, yet he always invites these two. I suspect it is because he has feelings for the girl, although she is REALLY not his type. He flirts gently with her, puts kisses on the end of texts etc But he has many female friends with which he does the same. He still often talks to and occasionally sees his ex-girlfriend.Problem is, I have real jealousy issues. I am happy with our situation as it is, but I cannot accept that with us not being a couple, he is free to be with other girls. We have lived together a year and he says he has not yet, but I am dreading the day he sleeps with someone else but me. I get a dark feeling in my chest whenever he mentions his ex, or his girl mates, especially the one I mentioned before. I hate them texting him and emailing him, and it stings being left at home while he goes out with them. I try to console myself by thinking "he comes home to my bed at night" but obviously they're the famous last words of many a cheated wife.I cannot talk to him about my feelings because he is one of those stubborn people who does not listen to reason. I totally understand his point and agree that he is not responsible for my social life, but I also think he does not understand how hard it is for me to always stay in when he goes out. I'm not proposing he change his behaviour, I just need advice on how to manage my posessive feelings. As we stand, I have no right to feel like he's "mine", because it's only a matter of time before he's not. I know he's entitled to his own life, and I'm realistic about our situation - I know all the things I should be feeling. I just need to convince myself I really feel them.Sorry for long post.
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ex girlfriend, flirt, his ex, jealous, moved in, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, celoso  +, writes (18 July 2009):
mmmm well it sounds like you really like this guy alot or else you wouldnt be thinking about this. anyway, you put your self in a bad situation by sleeping with him, you need to stop sleeping with him asap. or else you will always feel jellous its just human nature. find another guy to sleep with or move into a new flat. or you could just try finding friends of your own join a club go out with work buddies, make some friends somewhere else. be nice to everyone you meet and be open to new people. smile as much as you can to anyone on the street you will start meeting new people very soon. however, sleeping with a guy you like is definitely not good for you feeling but if you can handle it its all good. however, from what you say it sounds like your heart cant handle this type of relationship. so i suggest you become a couple or find someone new. i hope this helps.
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (18 July 2009):
 Move back into your own bedroom and erect some boundaries. You are treating this as a relationship when you are really just friends, and need to act accordingly. You have no claim on him whatsoever, and while I don't agree with him not allowing you to come out with him, you do need to get your own life and your own friends. Down the road you will probably have to move out if you can't stand him bringing back and sleeping with other women.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (17 July 2009):
 You can't manage your jealous and possessive feelings because you aren't looking at the whole thing realistically. There's an old saying about "Why by the cow when the milk is free?" and you are being treated like a convenience store by him. Guys can easily have sex without getting involved, and women just aren't built that way. Even if we go into a relationship just for the sex, we wind up getting emotional attached to the guy. FWB just doesn't work for 99% of women. So, trying to manage your emotions when you are in love with him isn't going to work, is it? You have already heard it from his own lips, he isn't interested in being a couple outside of the house, so why on earth are you being a couple INSIDE the house? I would move back into your own room and tell him that you have changed your mind about a sexual relationship. Then do it. In fact, make sure that you start dating and feel free to have your dates drop in and out of your apartment. He just might change his mind about open relationships if you AREN'T always his back-up plan and easily available to him, he sees other guys wanting you and that he SHOULD be willing to make a commitment if he wants you exclusively. If that doesn't provoke him into opening up his feelings, then he truly doesn't care, and you unfortunately will have your answer anyway. It's better to find out now, otherwise, you would spend a lifetime with a guy who always comes first and treats you like a doormat. Better to have your eyes opened to what kind of guy this truly is before you wind up with a house full of kids and no real husband. Sorry, but that's what I got from what you have written, and I think that you are looking for a wide variety of answers in order for you to see it through other peoples eyes.
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A
female
reader, babymama99 +, writes (17 July 2009):
 The first thing you need to do is sleep in your own bedroom, alone.The second thing you need to do is go out and develop friendships of your own. join a club or some other social networking event. Get a boyfriend. don't sit around waiting for him.You are feeling posessive and jealous because right now he is your whole world and you are being left out of his life almost completely. Its time for you to go out, make some new friends and let him wonder what you're doing. If you're feeling posessive now what is going to happen when he brings another girl home and asks you to leave the bedroom so that he can have some private time with her.You said "I try to console myself by thinking "he comes home to my bed at night" but obviously they're the famous last words of many a cheated wife." From what I've read you are NOT his wife or even his girlfriend. I think you are in way, way to deep and you need to nip this in the bud immediately. I would even go so far as to say it might be best for you to move out. It really is totally irrational for you to expect a single non-attached man to not interact with these females. I think you need to start being honest with yourself you said "I am happy with our situation as it is, but I cannot accept that with us not being a couple, he is free to be with other girls." you are contradicting yourself you said you're fine with your current situation but then in the same sentence you said you don't want him with other girls. This whole post says to me you are NOT happy with your situation. I hope this convinces you to feel for yourself. You have a lot of life to live don't waist a second of it pineing for someone who is not returning the feeling.
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