A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Does anyone have a straight-forward, happy, long-lasting relationship these days? My Mum and Dad divorced when I was a teenager, and my bf has recently cheated on me (nothing physical, but exchanging flirty texts and phone calls with a girl from work) despite us being together for 9 years! He says that's normal behaviour - is it? Do all people in relationships have secrets like that? Is it human nature? Or am I maybe with someone who doesn't love me as much as I love him? Are my expectations (of a long-lasting, happy, fun, exclusive relationship) just unrealistic?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): good relationships exist, you just have to care enough about yourself not to settle for a bad one. relationships should make you feel great about yourself not betrayed and hurt and while things are never perfect, what he's doing just proves he just doesn't care enough about you. find someone who will because he IS out there
A
male
reader, quarky  +, writes (17 July 2009):
 totally agree with all that's been said before.
It's a convenient excuse used by some cowards to be unfaithful cos everyone else is.
But There's no excuse really-tis a choice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 July 2009):
 I totally agree with Satindesire, she put it perfectly!
Cheating - like lying, stealing, abusing.. they are all CHOICES. Some people Choose to not cheat, some choose to cheat.
As I see it lazy people are more likely to cheat, because otherwise they have to put an effort and WORK into a relationship to work, it is often "easier" to just start up with a new partner to get that "lovey dovey honeymoon phase" instead of reigniting the fire that is already there with the partner.. it might be burning low, but if you don't go tend the fire, it will go out.
Your BF is a creep. Sorry you need to find a man who understands what it is to commit, to be honest and to be faithful. They do exist. They are the men out there with values and morals that match your own.
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (17 July 2009):
 I don't think it's possible for a couple to just skip through the tulips during their relationship...every couple has at least one difficult time.
It wasn't until I entered high school when I made friends with so many kids who had divorced parents. That's when my eyes opened for the first time. My parents are still going strong and are two months shy of their 34th anniversary - my dad had a spell of him hitting the booze and my mom told me it was a very trying time, but he is perectly fine now and she stayed with him. My grandparents have been married for 67 years and I have never seen them fight - they are the epitome of a happy marriage.
Unfortunately, the marriage vows "for better or for worse" seem to fall on deaf ears. Long story short, everyone gets tempted at least once during a relationship and you just need to communicate.
Unfortunately, reading your update with you saying he finds you attractive "sometimes" and he tells you to get off your back, that sounds like warning signs. If something's not done, he's going to get even closer with this co-worker. Try sitting him down and talking to him and if he ignores discussing it again, leave him; you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): No, I know a quite a few great couples that are wonderful together, they don't cheat and they respect each other. However, I am older.....The biggest thing to finding a good relationship is to not rush to get involved with someone, find out who they are before you open your heart to them. Find out their beliefs and value system,and make sure you match that set of beliefs. There are very good men out there but many times they are passed up for the 'bad boys'. Just like good girls get passed up for the 'pretty girls'.Keep your head on your shoulders and don't let your boyfriend get away with his bullshit!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): (Original poster) Thank you for your opinions - I still believe it is possible for two people to be happy and faithful and committed to a long-lasting love, and don't think I'm just being naive.My bf refuses to contemplate counsellling... says I need to get over it and stop reminding him of it (indirectly, by being sad and needing reassurance that he still finds me attractive, etc, sometimes):(
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 July 2009):
 Not at all unrealistic. You just have to put in the effort, as Old Guy noted. And I agree with Cerberus' list of yeses and nos. Keeping a relationship healthy and strong takes WORK. Sorry, it's not all rose petals and footrubs. Communication and listening skills, patience and humor, shared values, shared goals, supportive nature. Put those at the top of your list for an ideal man, along with respect, integrity, generosity of spirit and time. I'm sure there are hundreds if not thousands of other attributes that will be important.
Pay attention to a man's friends too; who he chooses to associate with says more about him than most things.
Hang in there, be patient and picky and try not to get cynical.
Your guy is trying to pass this off as normal behavior and that worries me for you. He's decided that this is fine and that he has done nothing wrong? I think he owes you some work on his behalf, work on your relationship. Couples counseling? I might ask for that if I were in your shoes.
You don't have to be a bitch about this, but you don't have to be a pushover either. Firm, strong and calm, that's what you're going for. No-nonsense!
Good luck with the boyfriend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): Yes, no, no, no, perhaps, no.
Your boyfriend is an asshole, if he thinks it's normal behaviour to emotionally cheat on you then he's also an idiot.
It's not human nature, that's just an excuse, cheating and seperating are just easier to accomplish these days and seem to be less taboo.
Your expectations aren't unrealistic, but it seems like they might not be same as his, perhaps he's just not the one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): Yes, those relationship are still out there. It takes some effort, though, and I do get the sense that people are maybe less willing to put in the effort than they were in earlier generations. If that's what you want, and you're willing to do the work, then the key is to be with someone who shares your values. You're not being unrealistic -- you're just not willing to accept the lowest common denominator. Good for you!
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