A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am getting married in four months time, and my problem is this: basically I have been constantly obsessing over my partner's past, and all the things that he did wrong at the start of our relationship. I know it is irrational but cannot stop, and get really wound up and upset about it. For example, when we first met when we were 16, he went outt to a friend's birthday party and I have recently got it in my head he cheated on me that night. (I have no idea why, it was years ago and surely if I thought that at the time I would have brought it up before now) and I absolutely convinced myself this was true last week and nearly left him over it. He was flabbergasted and baffled. Another example lately, the first year we were together he went out a lot with his friends and didn't invite me yet his friends always invited their girlfriends. I have been harbouring resentment over this for a long time. I am getting angry now thinking about it. We met in 2009, and he claims he lost his virginity to me, and the only experience he had before me was a blow job. I have quizzed him about this encounter like you wouldn't believe, and refuse to believe I am the first person he had sex with. I get vivid mental movies of him sleeping with some other girl. I don't know why it would matter so much to me if this were true. So as you've probably guessed, my fiance is pretty miserable with me and is going to end the relationship if I don't stop. He thinks I have some kind of mental illness and wanted me to get therapy. I did almost phone to organise therapy, but then didn't because I didn't want them to think I was wasting their time over something silly.What the hell would I even say? I can't stop obsessing over stupid things? I know how stupid and irrational it all sounds but cannot stop. What should I do? I am making myself and my fiance very unhappy and we have a child together and I love him very much. I just wish I could sort this out but I don't know where to start. But as stupid as it sounds it is a problem because my head is going over and over it all from I wake up to I go to bed. Any advice on what to do would be very welcome. Thanks, H xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2016): I understand what you are going through.I was mentally healthy before my son was diagnosed with a neurological condition. Before that, I led a charmed life. I never worried about anything. I had no issues with anxiety or paranoia.After the diagnosis, that all changed. I became a worrier and I worry about everything. It literally eats away at me. I think it is something called "hyper vigilance" where you are always looking for something to worry about in any given situation. It is like you are preparing yourself for "perceived" threats in your environment or situation. So, you are in your head inventing all sorts of possibilities about everything that can go wrong and you are always mentally preparing yourself for the worst. Even if you can logically see no reason for worrying. You worry anyway. And any rational thoughts are overtaken by paranoia and anxiety and thoughts which are blown up in your own mind and take on a life of their own. It is tough to live with worst case scenarios and it's even tougher and more exhausting having to prepare for them at every turn. And not only that but convincing yourself they are going to happen no matter what.For me, I am always thinking my bf is cheating. Everything he does points to that in my own mind. I let my imagination run wild and take over all rational thinking. So the truth is what I think it is. Not the truth itself. And I distance myself. I build up the walls. I shield myself. I protect myself. I actually have grieved the LOSS of our relationship hundreds of times because I convinced myself he was cheating and it was over. Not once did I find any truth in that. It is so hard teetering on the edge of it's over one day to everything is okay the next. It's a constant roller coaster. The hyper vigilance drives me literally crazy. The issues are mostly in my own head and mine to overcome. He knows all this. He understands. BUT it comes to a point where they will not be able to take it anymore. And he has said so. He has been on the brink of walking away but he never has and it's been 2 years. But I suspect in time they would be pushed to leave if the behaviour continues. Even IF they love you. They need to take care of their own well being too. It is not easy to be on the receiving end of a person who is always paranoid and full of anxiety and lashes out at you because of their fears and worries. In some ways, we do this to gain reassurance from the other person. We want to hear our worries are groundless and feel better. But it is not up to that person to make us feel better. WE NEED TO DO THIS FOR OURSELVES. So that we are TOGETHER and whole and able to give of ourselves in a relationship. To project anxieties onto a partner is unhealthy and damaging to a relationship just as much as it is to yourself. So, yes, please find a therapist. You need somebody to talk to and help you navigate where these anxieties are coming from. And how to combat them in more productive ways. You will need to refocus your thinking and redirect your anxious moments into other outlets. Perhaps channel them differently. So, every time you get a thought, you must do something else. Not lash out at your fiance. It will take time and effort but if you are willing to do the work, you will succeed. In the meantime, do your best to refrain from unloading onto your fiance. If you feel moments like this coming on, remove yourself from the situation. Even if you need to be alone, do it. So that you can let those thoughts pass. Just ride it out. Without confronting your fiance. Or if you can talk to a good friend when you have these thoughts to help you through them. In the end, no amount of reassurance is going to take this away for you. You do need some professional help so that you can manage this in your life in a way that is healthier for you and your fiance. This is not an easy way to live. We are our own worst enemies sometimes.Just know you are not alone. And you can overcome this. But please seek some help. That is the first step. And your fiance is going to be very happy to see this. Likely because he loves you and wants you to be okay first and foremost.What has helped me is removing myself from the situation. Riding through the panic. Letting it pass through me. Dealing with whatever emotions I had to deal with. Then calming myself down and refocusing my thoughts to something more rational. So, I tried to give them a logical explanation and told myself to believe that. I never go to my BF now with my worries now. They do become like a broken record. He is not capable of fixing them any more than I am. And things are so much better. I have my pangs of insecurity and worry a lot of the time still. But I try to rationalize them and not allow them to overtake me. It is all in how you talk to yourself and how you retrain your thinking.Hope I helped you in some way.Your first step is to get professional help. I sure hope you do that.I wish you all the best. :)
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (21 May 2016):
 Not getting married....now, or in four months... is probably a smart thing to do. You need lots of time to grow up and get your life's priorities in order....
(There'll still be time to get married - even to this guy - after you're done.....)
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (21 May 2016):
Hi. You absolutely are have some mental issues, along the lines of OCD. The obsession is the intrusive thoughts, the compulsion is to verbalise them to gain reassurance, this reduces your anxiety... Momentarily. There could even be done retro-active jealousy in there too. What you are experiencing isn't silly, it's very real and affecting your ability to be happy and enjoy life. Please seek help. A therapist will not think you are wasting their time at all, and you will not be. Don't let this ruin your life, please, it must be a horrid place to be in for you. Get your better for yourself-you deserve it. Stress will make it worse by the way.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 May 2016):
 ... But the reason to see a therapist is precisely because your mind is taken over by "something silly " !, i.e. because you are consuming yourself over things that your rational mind knows are non-issues .
If you had obsessive thoughts , say, about your impending death AND you had been diagnosed with a fatal, incurable illness- or if you were worried about been sexually assaulted any moment AND you had received a series of anonymous letters by a mysterious stalker threatening just that, you would have any reason to be concerned and preoccupied by negative thoughts. Maybe you could see a therapist anyway to learn how to manage to keep your anxiety within sustainable levels and live a functional life regardless, but , that's another problem and another story.
But, when you obsess about stuff which yourself deem absurd and ridicolous to obsess about, THEN it's time to see a mental health professional.
Like, when you DO have a mice infestation, you call pest control. When you stay awake at night fearing that in future you MAY have a mice infestation, then you see a therapist. That's what they are trained and paid for, to deal with irrational , dysfunctional thoughts.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (21 May 2016):
 Are you studying or working? What do you do for a living?
The reason I ask you this is because you seem to have a lot of free time to ponder over non-issues and this wouldn't happen if your mind were occupied productively. If you are a student then you don't seem to focusing on your studies and if you're employed professionally then you're not doing justice to your job. Where and how do you even get the time to think of all this? You say you have a child and yet you have all this free time in your hands to think of this stuff which makes no sense at all!
By all means, see a therapist and please make sure that your mind is occupied productively.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (21 May 2016):
 Sounds like you may have OCD and anxiety issues. I have OCD, not over the top, but enough to drive me insane with irrational thinking at times. The times it does become intrusive I have noticed is when I find myself in higher than usual stressful situations. Personally, Im not married but if I were to recognise a stressful situation that would be an upcoming marriage. My suggestion is don't delay any further with getting some therapy. Not over the phone but make an appointment to go in an see someone. Don't worry about what it is you say, all you need to say is what ever and trust in your therapist to know how to proceed during sessions. There is nothing shameful or taboo about being smart enough to ask for help. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (21 May 2016):
 Your fiancé is right; you do need to see a Therapist and tell them what you’ve said here.
Furthermore a pending marriage can cause excessive stress for anyone to lash out with irrational nonsense or be the happiest bride to be. Could you be feeling pressured, overwhelmed or afraid to finally tie the knot?
Nonetheless you are sabotaging your own wedding from happening if you don’t stop.
This you need to discuss with a professional as its boarding on insane (figure of speech) the way you recycle events over inside your head is exhausting and destructive. Especially the mental fixation you have of past real and or false events.
Start by making that phone call for appointment.
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