A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a gay female. I have a dilemma I need some advice about. I have been sleeping with a good friend of mine for about six months now. The problem is she blows very hot and cold on me regularly, and I don't know how to deal with it. For a month or two, she's perfectly fine and talkative and we talk daily. We go out and have drinks and then have sex. And then we continue talking all the time. I know exactly what to expect from her and am content during those times. But then she changes. It's literally over-night. She suffers from depression, and I'm certain that's what causes it. But she will literally wake up one day and be a different person. I won't hear from her or if I do, it's very short, like a one-word text replying "hey." Or "ok." And her sex drive disappears. This lasts anywhere from a couple days to a week or so.The ups and downs really throw me off because it's hard for me not to know what to expect from someone day in and day out. Or that I get used to her being one way, just to have her change the next. It makes me feel off-kilter and off-balanced.The other problem is that I don't really feel that I have a right to feel this way seeing as how we aren't officially dating or anything like that. But the nature of our relationship when she's not depressed is one of lots of warmth and closeness. I consider her a good friend. I tried to address it yesterday and she clearly didn't wish to discuss it. What on earth do I do? Do I distance myself, since it bothers me? Or do I just learn to deal with her ups and downs? And if so, how? She keeps reiterating it's not about me and that it's about her and her depression. And I know this, of course. However, that doesn't make it easier when you're dealing with it in that moment.This has happened a handful of times in the six months we have been hooking up. This time it's the longest. I'm kinda at a loss. Any help would be wonderful. Thanks.
View related questions:
depressed, sex drive, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 May 2016):
 Have you tried talking to her to see what she wants from you and her? This is a hard situation as it is literally two friends who are sexual with each other, but do you want more? Does she? Can you both openly talk about it? It would help if you both new where you stood with each other.
Depression is hard for the person and it is also hard for the loved ones around them. It can be hurtful being pushed out, is she on medication or does she go to therapy? Is she trying to deal with her depression or does she just not fight it?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016): She seems to be having some problems coping with this "relationship" which is obviously primarily sexual in nature.You say you have been sleeping with your friend. You have used the term "hooking up." Which makes her a "good friend" (with benefits) but NOT a GIRLFRIEND.Are sure this is all she wants to be? A f^ckbuddy to you? It is entirely possible she wants to be more than that. And is struggling with her feelings and emotions. She may care about you more than you think and more than you have reciprocated. And is now distancing herself from you to protect her heart from being hurt.She could be confused. She obviously likes being with you and enjoys the sex. And allows herself to believe in that moment that things are fine and you are a couple. But perhaps in retrospect, once she begins to think about it again, she tells herself she is NOT your girlfriend and it is JUST sex, and she pulls away. This is natural in this sort of a relationship. One person may have more "feelings" than the other. And although they love being with you, they also feel the need to have a wall up because they do not know where the relationship is headed.She could also be distancing as a way to get your attention. So that you return her level of affection by chasing her? By asking her what is wrong? It could very well also be attention seeking behaviour on her part. Maybe she is trying to get you to have "the talk" with her because she is afraid to approach the subject?I am not sure if I am reading it right but... do you have a verbal understanding this is just a hook up for sex? Did you ever tell her you are not looking for a committed relationship or for a steady girlfriend?You might need to have a discussion of both your expectations in this "relationship."
...............................
A
female
reader, Irish49  +, writes (22 May 2016):
 ,
Depression is indeed, a cause of relationship breakdowns. A person suffering through this has periods of time, where they experience distorted negative perceptions of their life and their future. So it is very possible that your friend's actions, are resulting from some encompassing negative thoughts. People with depression do also suffer with lack of interest in sex, especially when they are trying to cope with depression.
Depression is sneaky and insidious. It creeps up on a person, making these little chemical changes in one's brain. Many sufferer's do not recognize those small changes until it has done it's work on their thinking processes and caused some hurt to their loved ones.
Your friend doesn't want to discuss her problem, because she may feel embarrassed. Many folks with mental health conditions feel this way. It takes a lot of trust-building and love to get sufferer's to open up. If your friend can see what the depression is doing to herself and to this relationship, she can do something about it by contacting her physician to talk about her symptoms. It takes a lot of courage, but if she can take that vital first step, then she can become emotionally healthy when under the care of her doctor.
Whether you stay in this friendship or walk away, is a decision that only you can make. None of us Aunts can tell you what to do in that situation. You can still be supportive and help her but if doing this is too painful for you, and causing you a lot of duress... then yes, you must look after your own health and rethink if this friendship is too difficult to withstand. I would also suggest if you know of her family members, perhaps approach them and ask if they can help her.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2016): I cannot label a person with any medical condition as I am just an ordinary person. But your relationship does sound troubled. Rather than blame either party could you suggest a couple of sessions with a couples therapist? As a way to bring more joy into your relationship?
That way it is the two of you together.
You are not voicing blame nor are you labeling anyone in the relationship.
A qualified psychologist can then be the one to suggest an appointment with a Doctor if that seems called for and you will not be the one labeling your girl friend as unwell, when in truth there may be other issues and other elements and influences in her life that are making her behave this way
...............................
A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (21 May 2016):
 Its hard to honestly say.
You might be taking advantage of her unintentionally.
She might very well want a relationship with you and you keep throwing friend in her face.
Also she might not want sex at all but is afraid to say no as she wants your friendship.
It could be a lot of different things to be honest. The only way you will know is by letting her talk and being there as a friend.
You clearly don't want a relationship with her so it might be best if you stop trying to sleep with her and just be a friend.
If you just stand by her I'm sure she will open up to you.
...............................
|
