A
male
age
30-35,
*aywiththedonut
writes:So, I really want to get married some day. I know deep down that if I'm going to have a successful relationship with my wife, I have to be the best I can be. That is, I know I have to end my addictions, such as porn and masturbation. Parasites like these can destroy marriages. If you have any advice on how to end these problems, please let me know!
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male
reader, george3 +, writes (20 June 2010):
 masturbation is normal. anyone saying they dont masturbate, or say they havent, , well, they are lying.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (11 June 2010):
 mmmmm... pride and arrogance created Lucifer, but you are young and will learn as life goes by.
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male
reader, daywiththedonut +, writes (11 June 2010):
daywiththedonut is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Dekten, thanks for trying to understand my position. If it came off to you as me "picking and choosing" in my beliefs, I did not intend that. Mistake on my part for bringing that quote up! Sorry! @everyone else: Has the world completely lost all respect for the dignity of the human body? Its all about what FEELs right, and what PLEASURES me the most in the end, right? How is that selfless love? If ya'll think jacking off twice/thrice daily HELPS your marriage, and makes you a better person, then shit, I won't stop you. @Miamine: your understanding of Christianity is well, no offense, wrong.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 June 2010):
I stand corrected.. forgot that passage from jesus... thank you for reminding me.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 June 2010):
 Miamine, you're absolutely right about Christians being more zealous over what other people do in their bedrooms than what they themselves are doing for the poor and hurting.
However, Jesus himself gave perhaps the most scathing remarks about lust ever seen in the Bible - both testaments. He himself mentioned that if a man so much as LOOK upon a woman with lust, he was committing adultery in his heart. That pretty much sums up the entire porn industry. He mentioned that He was bringing even a higher standard of holy living than had been previously seen under the old law.
I personally believe that there is nothing wrong with masturbation in itself, and in fact it has saved married couples from infidelity, and is a fantastic tool for women to get to know their own bodies and learn how to please themselves and transfer that knowledge to their partners for mutual benefit. It's also great for stress relief and the equalizing of different sex drives in couples.
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male
reader, Dekten  +, writes (11 June 2010):
Okay, I've thought about this a bit from your angle. It is your question, after all. Not mine.
Let's skip the Bible talk and get to the root of the problem:
You see yourself as a good/moral person who always wants to do the right thing..... and yet, from time to time you enthusiastically get off on fantasies that directly contradict everything you stand for.
This creates a conflict in your mind... "what kind of person am I???" Certainly, you're not some maniac who has sex with another girl every day, right? Yet, this is what you simulate.
This is a real-world issue. You'll have to learn to accept this about yourself on your own terms and in your own time.
What you should look for, if anything, is not to stop it entirely, but to regulate it. So that you are in control of when and how.
One way or the other, the body will need to get the sperm refreshed. If you ever want children, that's a good thing.
Best of luck!
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 June 2010):
You wish is right.. no text against masturbation in the bible... lust is seen as wrong, but that highlighted in the old testament (contract with the jews) and the new testament (especially St Paul)
Something I don't understand, you are Christians, followers of Christ, and christ spoke nothing about masturbation, and put no emphasis on sex or lust... most of the words of christ (in the four gospels) had to do with money and looking after the poor and looking after your fellow man.
How come Christians care more about sex than they care about poverty?.... seems that they don't follow the message of Christ at all.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 June 2010):
Actually, the passage of scripture that dealt with Onan "spilling his seed" has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with masturbation. Onan wasn't masturbating. If you want to get legal, it has to do with pulling out during sex, or "coitus interruptus". However, that's not why God killed him.
God killed him because he was cheating his older brother out of having an heir, because under the law, Onan's first born child would have been credited to his older brother and receive his older brother's inheritance.
The physical act of masturbation is not wrong according to scripture. There is absolutely no precedence in scripture that forbids the ACT of masturbation. It's the accompanying fantasies and lust of the flesh that are condemned in scripture.
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male
reader, Dekten +, writes (10 June 2010):
One more thing I'd like to add:
If God really keeps a real-time log of the sexual activities of 6 billion people, then maybe God is the biggest watcher of porn there is :-)
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male
reader, Dekten +, writes (10 June 2010):
Interesting: so first you refer to the story of Onan in the Bible as justification. Then, when I point out that the story has *nothing* to do with masturbation, you go "although not stated in the Bible... etc"
Hey.... red flag.... looks like we have someone here who twists the Bible to suit his own opinion. You treat God like your puppet who has to shut up when you don't like what He's saying. God does NOT approve of picking and choosing!
--- Matthew 4:4 But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.
Either you follow the ENTIRE Bible or you don't. There's as much in-between as there is between Heaven and Hell.
Just because you THINK that you do what God wants you to do does not mean you won't go to Hell. As proof, I refer you to Matthew:
7:22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
7:23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.
7:24 Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:
7:25 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.
7:26 And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand:
Your house is built on sand, friend, not on a rock.
But hey, it's your life and your soul........ if you WANT to go to Hell so desperately, then go for it.
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male
reader, daywiththedonut +, writes (10 June 2010):
daywiththedonut is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Dekten: Masturbation is a deliberate stimulation of oneself for sexual pleasure. This disordered act, I believe, is CONTRARY to its purpose. God didn't give you a dick to jack off everyday. Although not stated in the Bible, masturbation is wrong. However, do you think God is pleased when we let our passions and feelings master our actions? (I'm not saying it is only wrong when we are addicted to it). Humans have much to do with feelings and emotions. Our greater self, the spiritual self, thus should not be ordered by the material self. In masturbation, sexual plesure is sought outside of its proper context, i.e. marriage, which is the total meaning of mutual self giving and human procreation. True love is only achieved in marriage.
So yeah, through this arguement I guess I've pretty much ended up on the con side of masturbation. An analogy came to mind. I think of the body as a gift, which you will one day give to your wife. Lets call it a cake. lol. So you spend your life, lusting after the cake until you can't resist. You just have to eat it: masturbation. When you fially get married, you give your wife a half eaten cake. Don't you think she would be a little dissappointed to know you couldn't wait for her and "dug into the cake" before she had a "birthday"? Sorry, stupid analogy, but hopefully you get my drift.
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reader, Dekten +, writes (10 June 2010):
@ daywiththedonut
The guy who was struck down for spilling his seed was Onan.
God killed his older brother, Er and then commanded Onan to impregnate his brother's widow. Onan refused to do so and as killed by God as well.
So please explain how this passage can be taken as "masturbation is wrong"?
That's the problem I see with "it's in the Bible" folks... they don't really read those passages.
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male
reader, daywiththedonut +, writes (10 June 2010):
daywiththedonut is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Dekten: Do you always take the Bible that literally? What about the passage, sorry, don't know it off the top of my head, where the guy gets struck down for "spilling his seed". No, I'm not saying thats going to happen. But there is clear proof that the act is unchaste, and therefore immoral. Thats my take on it. But listen, you take the Bible however you want. @Celiaaletta: In marriage, so they tell me, the most pure form of love is the total gift of self. How can you offer someone, who you claim to love, your whole self, when you are on your own "making love" to your own body? Holding back total love? In reality, proper "self love" is a good thing, I believe. As Christ says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself", how does one expect to truely love their neighbor (spouse), if they don't properly love themselves? Given, everyone falls. I'm not saying people will be perfect, and it's useless to look for perfection. Still, settling with mediocrity is wrong. Just fyi, I'm not one of those doom and destruction, "God hates the world" type of people.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 June 2010):
 A porn addiction can ruin a marriage it's true. But masturbation is totally healthy and most people do it. It's a natural thing and it's a great way to know your body, plus it feels very good. There are lots of websites to help with porn addiction, but unless your masturbation is interfering with life I'd say not to worry about that part.
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male
reader, Dekten +, writes (9 June 2010):
If we're going to use Bible quotes, don't forget Matthew 18-9:
"And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire."
If you've used your hand to masturbate, consult Matthew 5-30:
"And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell."
So the big question is: will you amputate your hand (as the Bible commands) or will you plop out your eye (as the Bible also commands).
If you do neither, you will surely go to Hell -- as the Bible unequivocally states.
Or..... "crazy" idea here..... maybe use some common sense and realize that masturbation is normal and healthy and not feel guilty for your body behaving exactly as it should.
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female
reader, Liza999  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 its such a relative question what you think may be an addiction vs a healthy release Before my relationship I watched porn and masturbated all the time Partially out of boredom, sometimes out of lonliness but mostly cause no one else was around and it felt damn good! So what! Dont be so hard on yourself When she comes into your life you may notice that there will be less desire for the porn it will just simply fall away. so please don't stress that it's a problem ...unless you make it so
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 June 2010):
Ahh, I thought you were a churchgoer. :)
In that case, I will tell you - one of the most powerful scriptures in the Bible that deals with what you're thinking about is in the book of Job 31:1. "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman." You have to draw on your spiritual resources to overcome your addiction, and you can't do it alone.
Someone I knew who struggles with the same thing you do developed a trick to help him when temptation overcame him. He would actually pray for whatever woman (or women) he was seeing in the magazine or internet. It's hard to give into temptation when you're praying for the soul of the women in the pictures/movies. It didn't always work, of course, but he never gave up his fight.
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male
reader, Dekten +, writes (9 June 2010):
Masturbation is healthy and normal. Don't fret about it. And it's done in almost every single marriage. What's done in the bedroom is people's private business. Same for you and your future wife.
As for morals: sure, it's easy to think in absolute terms and whatever, but in the end it won't stop you from needing to release your energy.
Problem is: you will feel unnecessarily guilty and you will take more risks -- including the risk of becoming addicted.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 June 2010):
I suggest you also use the power of prayer, when you feel like masturbating, pray instead and give leave it all in your God's hands..
Stoping masturbation completely will be very hard, the body is weak and it is human and filled with natural desires.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 June 2010):
Sorry your post came in late and therefore my advice was not relevant to you.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 June 2010):
Oh, your a church person, you should have said that in your post... Go and talk to your preacher. They know that young people have a problem with stopping masturbation... the preacher can help you a lot..
Also join any church groups run for young people.. they have tons of activities which keep you active and social, and being with like minded people who also have this problem will give you a strong source of support to fight your temptations.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 June 2010):
Yep, best to knock pornography on the head if you can.. it's not necessary.. for me it's not wrong, but it's not necessary for masturbation.
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reader, daywiththedonut +, writes (9 June 2010):
daywiththedonut is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe this will make my problem clearer. I DO believe it is morally wrong to do these things.. i.e. porn and masturbation
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 June 2010):
Sexual addiction is a very misunderstood thing and I have even seen people on this site deny it's validity but for anyone that has ever been affected by this either from a spouse or personal struggle you will never get that argument! It is very real and very destructive :(
Sexual addiction is a very destructive thing, it ruins families, it ruins the person and leaves them unable to function normally in society.. However in it's clinical form, where the person is categorised as having a mental problem it is not as common as some of the threads on this board like to suggest..
A person with a sexual addiction puts themselves in danger, is reckless with their body, their reputation, their safety and their money..
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 June 2010):
"masturbating obsessively is NOT good for the body...it depletes the body of hormones." (anon)
As far as I know, this statement is not true...
However, obsessive masturbation can leave you sore physically... it is more the social and emotional damage that it dose that is worrying.
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reader, daywiththedonut +, writes (9 June 2010):
daywiththedonut is verified as being by the original poster of the question@YouWish,thank for the advice, sad thing is, I AM a churchgoer, I recognize what I'm doing is wrong, but I still do it....
@Miamine, sure, alot of people masturbate, but I don't believe that makes it ok. Thats kind of the reason I'm looking for help.
@eyeswideopen, yeah, I'm not exactly "addicted", but I like it, and I sometimes can't resist. So Im not sure what qualifies as addicted, but.. Not so much porn, but jacking off yes. I was able to rduce porn watching, and I feel like I can cntrol it, sort of. But the mastrbating is harder for me to just walk away from. If you get my meaning.
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female
reader, odeer123  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 I really wouldn't worry about masterbating! Everyone does it and as someone has already said it sends out 'happy chemicals' which can only be good! However its best to cut down on masterbation when in a relationship, since your partner can feel worthless or 'not good enough', even if you happen to do it absentmindedly.
As for porn, I really think you should cut it out completely. (Those reading this who don't think their is anything wrong with porn, ignore the next paragraph because I do think its wrong) For me Porn represents an unhealthy attitude towards other human beings. No matter what people say IT IS VIEWING HUMANS AS OBJECTS. Women bend to the pressure and prospect of earning easy money (as do men) and those that view it are taking advantage of those few vulnerable people.
Gosh, I really don't want to blabber on about it actually -it makes me upset and I don't know whether its helping you or not.
So.
As I was saying - masterbate till the sun burns out!! Except when there's a girl about... I really don't think its a biggy. But you know, you do need to decide upon these things by yourself in the end. It's up to you!!
It's a wonderful thing hearing that you will try to be your best as a husband - I don't think I've heard many men say that in my life time... But as another aunt said you can't be perfect - you'll only end up disappointing yourself. :)
Well then!! Let me see... Yes, participating in sport is an excellent way to release energy and enthusiasm. That way its not directed at something which may cause offense!
Oh, and you must make sure that you're good at the sport of course - failing at something can only make you more frustrated. Exchange those porn magazines for some good enriching books - who knows they may help you to be that perfect husband you want yourself to be ;D. Mind you if books aren't your thing (except the ones with the pretty ladies on) buy yourself a Wii or get down to some gardening!!
Yep.
Urm... as for porn on the internet which may always prove a temptation, I would suggest putting a little post-it note on your screen saying something about your aspirations and ambitions for the future - it will make you think twice about who you are and what you want to be and whether what you are about to do really is a good use of your time.
I think I've said enough. But feel free to reply or send a message. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): Well, I was in a relationship with a porn addict for 4 years and you are right about it destroying a relationship. It is not enough to just be 'understanding' about the addiction anymore tan understanding alcoholism will help you live with a drunk or understanding addiction would help you live with a heroin addict. It is the behaviors of addicts that drive relationships apart.
If you are worried that you are on the road to addiction it would be wise of you to do something about it because masturbating obsessively is NOT good for the body...it depletes the body of hormones.
Check the internet for a local SA meeting and check out this website.....npsupport.net...they have a lot of good advice on their board and members help with advice as well. There are on-line support groups forming everyday but these are a couple of the oldest and best informed groups. You will need to get rid of all your porn and put an internet protection plan in place, it helps to have an accountibility partner as well.
Sexual addiction is a very misunderstood thing and I have even seen people on this site deny it's validity but for anyone that has ever been affected by this either from a spouse or personal struggle you will never get that argument! It is very real and very destructive :(
Sex addicts, just like any other addict, find themselves ruled by their addiction :(
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reader, Miamine +, writes (9 June 2010):
"I have to be the best I can be"
You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself... life is not perfect, you can't plan the future from now, you don't know what fate will bring..
Concentrate on your studies, and as I said before, hobbies and sports develop character, keeps your mind and body active and makes you an interesting person.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 June 2010):
 Are you sure you are addicted? Does viewing porn and pulling the pud interrupt your day to day life and responsibilities? People are quick to decide someone is addicted to something, if you truly do suffer because of your addiction then you'll need outside help to overcome it.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (9 June 2010):
Yes, addictions are not good... however there is nothing wrong with masterbation...
What happens if you find out the woman you marry does it, women masterbate as well you know.
I suggest for now, you just cut down on masterbation. Masterbation is very good for both women and men (especially when not in a relationship) It's a good form of stress release, sends out happy chemicals, and in men it helps prevent testicle cancer...
I suggest you cut down if you masterbate too much, and replace the time spent with hobbies and sports..
Don't worry about the future, when you have a girlfriend and are ready to get married, discuss the whole issue with her.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 June 2010):
You're right, a porn addiction can destroy a marriage, and it's good that you're wanting to do something about it.
It's best not to do it alone. There are a lot of places that help in dealing with sex addictions, as well as counselors (and pastors, if you're a churchgoer) that can help you be accountable.
There are also many accountability groups out there too that keep you accountable to walking the "straight and narrow", so to speak.
If and when you get married, hopefully it's to a wife who is understanding that a porn addiction isn't a slight against her, and she will choose to support you while you stave it off instead of assume that it's about her inadequacy. Good luck!
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