A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Where do i start with this one!a brief outline i have been happily with my husband for 19 years and then 2 years ago my boss made advances towards me. i went through a horrific two years with him where i totally lost grip of everything, my husband,kids,money etc. Nothing else mattered to me. i never really had a full blown relationship with him. we met up on various occasions but he would often back off saying he has issues with me being married. He had a real fear of commitment and is a complete womaniser. i grew to love this man dearly and two friends in particular saw me thru the bad times. If i am honest i still love him but because we work together(not same office now) we have managed to get it back to some form of friendship as it was becoming so complicated.This man is younger than me.he said he had never had emmotions for anyone like he had me.the friends that helped me are my best friend and her husband. they have been so supportive and without them it would have been unbearable.to cut a long story short i often go out with chris on my own and sharon hasnt a problem with it. in december we were out for a drink and steve told me that he was in love with me. for a few days i was in shock and didnt know how i felt. he had been a good friend for six years. When he said he needed to distance himself from me as i didnt feel the same,things changed . I wanted him in my life and couldnt stand the thought of not having contact with him. I told him i loved him and didnt want that, things picked up from there and we started getting involved. I slept with him then the guilt set in on both sides. we said we needed to stay friends but it hasnt happened. we havent slept together since but there is still chemistry between us. he says he loves his wife and i go round there and find it very hard seeing them together. my emotions are all over the place. he texts me all the time telling me how much he loves me but openly admits he loves his wife as well. Over the last few days he has been talking to me but isnt saying anything about us, just everyday things.I feel he is having doubts again and unfortunately i am in deep with him.Because of the previous relationship i had i am very insecure and need constant contact or i get very down. I dont know what to do. He is married to my best friend and i feel so guilty but i cant help loving him. I really have tried to stop this and so has he. it is just so strongI dont think i feel for him like i did the other one but i do so need him in my life.He isnt good loooking but has the warmest personality i have ever come across unlike mike who was so good looking and a charmer. I am really struggling and feel myself going down a deep dark hole.Please help
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (21 January 2010):
 Well it could be that you are unhappy in your marriage, despite how good and attentive your husband is.
However, you and your friend needs to focus away from each other so that at the very least, he can fix up his marriage.
This entire affair from the office guy has in a way hurt their marriage. And certainly neither you nor your friend want to hurt his wife who you love dearly as well.
As I'd suggested earlier, try some individual counseling with someone who can at the very least help you identify whatever issues there are so if you divorce, at the very least you won't regret it some time on down the line.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you softouchmale for your response. i know other readers are critical of me and i understant how i must come across. Maybe i do need out of my marriage.I am very frightened to take thatstep. My husband is a good man and puts me before anything else its just that I cantx help how im feeling. When i got in to a relationship two years ago it reallt did change my perspective on life. This man played with my emotions so badly and I never thought I could get over him. He became my world.Without my friends I honestly dont think I would have got thru.I am happy again due to my friend and for that reason i find it so hard to let go. We met up again yesterday and when we are together it feels so special. I donnt want to ruin his marriage as i love his wife dearly but although i am being so selfish and feel to very guilty i just cant let him go. He is arguing a lot with her at the moment and whether thats down to our relationship I really dont know. I can honestly say that we are not sleeping together as we both feel it is wrong but have a feeling that could change again shortly.It happened only the once and we said it had to stop and tried to stay apart but she seems to bring us back to together by inviting me round or arranging nites out. If i say i cant make it she would find it odd as we are always out together !
Thank you so much for your advice. I know you are right i just need to take that step
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): there is a website that i have personally found to have some valuable insight to women our age. dont think that i am throwng stones. a friend sent me the book and i read it and couldnt believe some of the things it said. what you are doing is wrong and you know that it is. the other aunts have given you some good advice about distancing yourself..however if you dont get to the root of this it will happen again with someone else...
link:http://womensinfidelity.com/ Women’s Infidelity LIVING IN LIMBO By: Michelle Langley
best of luck to you, mal
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (20 January 2010):
Hi,
There seems to be some issue here either with your marriage, or with the people you get emotionally close to in your life.
I can't condone nor can I condemn what's going on here, its not my place to judge you for any of this.
However, I think the real issue here is that you've grown close to at least two men, emotionally enough, that you've come to be supportive of them to the point of having sex with them.
Now on the other hand, your husband who you have a happy relationship with, seems to be left out of a lot of this emotional intimacy.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying he's not supportive.
However, barring the affairs, have you ever just gotten close to your husband emotionally, to discuss your daily life?
That's what seems to be happening here. Other people are serving as your emotional cushion with respect to your daily grind, and your husband isn't a part of that daily grind, or at least participating in your world emotionally.
So the distance or gap is being filled by these other people.
I can't really say what to do about your affairs. Either you aren't in control of your own emotions, or there is some illusion being worked in your mind. Its rather obvious that you can love many people but the problem here is that you seem to be drawn away from your marriage and to other people.
The first step here, I think, is for you to maybe go into individual counseling. That's going to take some effort on your part because you need to find someone who can pinpoint what it is that's happening in your life, again barring the affairs, and why you feel you can't turn to your husband to vent with instead of other men.
As far as your friend's husband. He's fallen for you because he cares deeply for you, as does his wife. Obviously in the process of caring deeply for you, he's developed deep emotional bonds with you; and its easy to cross that line into a sexual relationship as well.
Some would say you don't love your husband and he doesn't love his wife. I find that to be cruel and insensitive. Obviously neither of you wants to leave your respective marriages.
My first suggestion is to let go the drama with your friend and her husband. Just get into therapy and let your professional therapist deal with these issues, and stop over-burdening your friends.
Second, tell your friend's husband to take a break. You love him, but he and you need distance because you both love his wife and neither of you wants to hurt her.
Third, start being open with your husband about your daily grind and try and get him more involved in your emotional support system.
Finally, stay away from the philandering boss and keep it light when you have to be around him. Like you said, he's a womanizer and he's the one that got you hooked into extra-marital affairs.
I sincerely wish you luck here. But I think crossing over the line into affairs to try and shore up your emotional support system is hurting you and your marriage.
Sooner or later, whatever issues you and your therapist can pinpoint have to be addressed in your own marriage.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 January 2010):
 I,I,I,I,I,I,I,me,me,me,me,me,myself,myself,myself,myself,
pretty much sums it all up doesn't it? I couldn't help but notice you mentioned your husband once.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 January 2010):
So your boss made advances, and now your friends husband is as well? Yet you say you've been happily married? Seriously, take a look at your life. Seems to me that you're not happily married at all. You need to speak to your husband and get counselling, fast. Because if you don't, you'll lost everything.
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