A
female
age
36-40,
*enada846
writes:How can I stop looking for revenge? I just recently got dumped by my ex of 6 months via text - my stuff all is still is at his house . This was two months ago and since being hurt the stage has moved on to anger and waves of depression. I have talked to my therapist and he says that this man had no reason to break up with me and that his selfish ways do not justify him but I still am angry. I get that he wasn't a catch - he was a mechanic that threw himself at work and his spare time with his buddies and barely paid attention to me even though I went above and beyond to please him emotionally and physically but I'm still hurt. I've never faced this before - I've always ran to different alternatives of getting no skinnier - prettier or making more money or being more educated to feel better.Now that I'm near 30 and hold two degrees and lost the weight and hold a great job I'm still angry. I get it we didn't have a long relationship I was in an abusive one three years ago for five years that I got over but I'm so mad . All I talk about is him and now it's not me wanting him back it's being mad and wanting to know of karma will ever get back to him. For anyone that is reading this after I took a break from dating for three years after my long term abusive relationship - I honestly tried with this man and he was the one that chased me - now he left and in a classless way- I'm so angry - is karma real? Why do nice girls finish last someone please help
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (16 July 2016):
 Shift your focus from angry thoughts to more positive aspirations. Dwelling on the negative only acts as an acid, it corrodes the very heart of you.
The fact that he did not bend over backwards for you, as you did for him eats away at your core. Going above and beyond for one unworthy of your kindness, amplifies your needy anxious neuroses… it’s like you’re screaming; please love me back?
In this instance I think you’re giving this man way too much gravity for the period of time you’ve been together. You invested 6 months in someone and it didn’t work out the way you expected, given your emotional and physical efforts. Yet he’s entitled to find someone dimwitted enough to put up with neglect, his selfishness, work and buddies? He’s not 24/7 attentive enough for you, so be it.
The belief in Karma is very real in some cultures… I adopt this thought to preserve my sanity when I have been wronged. Just as I believe karma will pay me a visit for any of my wrong-doing or wishing someone ill. So be careful what you wish for?
Now make a list, go get your stuff if there’s anything of value left behind or otherwise send a friend to his house to collect them. Legally he should have your property/stuff available for pick-up.
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 July 2016):
 Frankly I doubt that your therapist may have literally said that this man had no reason to leave you. That would be an uninformed, unprofessional assessment by him, since the therapist does not know your ex and has not heard his version.
Your therapist might have said,more likely, that it's not your fault if this guy left you, and that you don't need to take being dumped as a reflection of your value as an human being or desirability as a woman. That would make more sense.
Anyway , remembering your previous post, I think that your ex had a reason to leave you, the most common, and, at the end of the day, the most logical reason to leave somebody : he was not that into you.
He was into you as long as you'd fit neatly in his life and were Ok with comittments and life style , like you pretended to do for a while in order to rope him in and
" make " him like you, - but no more than that . He was not into you to the point of changing a iota in his life , and he had made that clear already by his actions. The moment that you asked for more attention, more intimacy, more affection more whatever - you become disposable and were disposed of.
Now we can call him selfish , cold, immature, all the names you want- but at least he's got something over you : he knows what he wants and what works for him in a relationship.
He wants a low maintenance, undemanding woman. He wants someone he does not have to change for. He wants someone who can cope with his hobbies and family and likes and dislikes.
You seem not have reached this level ( or any level ) of self awareness. You clearly have a problem with impecunious blue collar workers - yet you bend over backwards to date one. You had a problem with, basically, anything he wanted, did and said ( ... not saying that you are wrong per se; he does sound like someone who is very questionable, as a boyfriend and as a human being ) but rather than speak up at once, or dump him at once !, you just double the efforts to ingratiate yourself to him and please him in any possible way.
Pardon me but that reminds me a bit the famous Woody Allen's joke : " So , ... how was that hotel you stayed at last holidays ? " " Oh terrible . The food was terrible, absolutely vile ....And the portions were so small ! "
It's not the nice girls who finish last- or at least, they do not finish last BECAUSE they are nice. They finish last because they do not know what they want, are not using discrimination and wisdom in their choices, are not able to set boundaries, do not respect themselves enough to detach themselves promptly from who they feel is not good enough for them, and do nice caring gestures not because they WANT to be nice and caring but only because they count that these gestures will buy them acceptance and gratitude. Which does not work , in fact often backfires because it's perceived as artificial and manipulative.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 July 2016):
 Just take your time and accept he wasn't a good match.
Wanting revenge for what? For not wanting to be yours? For not wanting you?
Yes, rejection sucks, but what sucks even more would have been him stringing you along while not really wanting to BE with you. No matter how me broke up with you (you call it classless), maybe he felt it was the easiest (for him) yet it really doesn't matter HOW he broke up, you still arrive at the same point, it didn't last.
Now you may BE a catch, just not a good match for this ONE guy.
Dating can be a crap shoot, OP. You just never know exactly what you are going to get.
Taking a break from dating, like you did, after an abusive relationship I think was a good thing. But it doesn't mean that the NEXT guy you day will magically be a great one. Or that because HE chased you that he is/was utterly devoted to you.
NEVER bend over backwards for someone you are dating. That isn't the real you. That is the "you" who wants someone so desperately to like them that they... bend of backwards. And bending over backwards doesn't mean you are entitled to his undivided attention 24/7/365.
BE you, do you. And let it go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2016): Would any explanation have been good enough for you?
Maybe he dumped you over text bc he didn't want to hear about it.
You sound needy and demanding.
You were a "pushover" with a motive: yky wanted tho "lowly mechanic" to dall all o er himself to lavish attention on this educated princess he was oh-so-lucky to get.
He dumped you bc you weren't the person you pretended to be, you demanded too much attention, and now you dam and an explanation bc you're such a good catch no one should ever think of dumping you.
What do you want him to do? Grovel at your feet and beg you to take him back with promises to cater to your every demand?
And... When he doesn't it's punishment time?
I think he dodged a bullet
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (15 July 2016):
 I remember your previous post. Isn't this you?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/dating-and-now-a-breakup-with-him-how.html
Sweetie you should be thankful that this idiot's out of your life. Would you rather be with someone just so that you're not alone? You were lonely even while in the relationship so what good did that really do? Isn't it better to be happy by yourself than be unhappy with someone?
You don't need a man to define you OP, trust me. Society places a lot of pressure on single women, and women are forever questioned on their choices. It's either a "why are you still not married?", "or when do you plan to have kids?".... And almost all women go through this. You don't have to feel bad just because you're single. You don't have to justify your life to anyone.
Don't bother about karma getting back to this idiot; you just be happy in your own life. You have to get over your unhealthy obsession of him and enjoy being single and free. Go out with friends, exercise, go swimming, read books, learn to cook new dishes, do everything that you can that makes you feel better and grow as a person.
I'm not quite sure I agree with your therapist... Your ex may have had his reasons to break up with you and you have to accept this. A wise person once told me, that if you take an insect out of the dirty drain and keep it in a glass of clean water, it probably won't survive. It'll be happiest in the drain and thrive there. Do you get what I'm trying to say? You might be the best person ever but to someone who doesn't understand you and doesn't deserve you, you're nothing at all. Your ex broke up with you because he couldn't relate to you, couldn't connect to you and couldn't understand you. Believe me, that's entirely his problem.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (15 July 2016):
 I think you should be delighted you found out so soon what a mismatch this man was for you. He has done you a favour. You are now free to find someone who is right for you.
I think you need to look at why being prettier, better educated, or in a better job seems so important to you. It suggests that you are insecure. These are just trappings around the real you. I am not denigrating your efforts. I applaud them. However they can make you attractive to a gold digger and not a soul mate, if such a thing exists.
In the meantime channel your anger into other things. I suggest exercise and perhaps some volunteering. Be kind to yourself too. A little pampering won't go amiss. And renew some friendships with old friends when you feel ready.
Finally - get your stuff back from him asap. If you can't face it, then arrange for someone else to pick it up. If you have a key then you can do it while he's at work, by arrangement of course.
Remember you have had a lucky let off.
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