A
female
age
36-40,
*eema shahid
writes:hello.. I am married and i know my husband loves me and we have good times together but i get insecure when i find my husband looking at women who dont look all that great but their neckline is low or wearing short skirts and I am ok that my husband looks once as i cant close his eyes but when he looks again it puts me off.. Sometimes i feel its quite natural for a man to look at women who wear revealing clothes even if she does not look pretty but my sister tells me that her husband does not give a second look then i get upset. So why does my husband look around again.. What can i do please help..?
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male
reader, PM  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 I think the first thing you should consider is why this bothers you. It sounds to me like you feel insecure when he does this, if this is the case you should examine why.
Is it because you think that him looking at these other women makes him love you less? Does it make you feel less attractive? That's a question I think you should answer for yourself so that you can communicate how it makes you feel to him. In a marriage, when insecurities arise, I find that it becomes an issue for both people in it and not just one. This is why I think the first step is you figuring out why it bothers you with the next step being you telling him why it bothers you. Not telling your husband that this is something that makes you feel hurt or bad, just causes resentment. He may not even realize that he's doing it, so just telling him may put an end to it.
Secondly, I think that something that should be kept in mind is that sexual attraction is different than emotional attraction. I assume that your husband is with you because he feels both sexually and emotionally attracted to you, that, however, doesn't mean he can't be sexually attracted to another woman. In fact, he could be sexually attracted to many women, but that does not make him any less attracted to you. Sexual attraction is just a guy reaction to a stimulus (e.g. good looking girl, exposed skin, etc.)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): Just ask him next time you catch him doing it what he finds attractive in her that you dont have. Tell him to be honest and be willing to work with him on it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 I dont think there's anything you can do. Theres something he can do. But probably this is subconcious, like the way I catch myself watching my reflection in the windows I walk by. Its horrible because I must look so conceited so I try to stop, but sometimes it's hard not to look. Im guessing your husband has it the same way. He knows he shouldn't, but it's hard not to. And the only thing that helps is if he actively tried not to. But if he for a moment forgets himself he'll be doing it again. It's quite difficult.
Even so, I suggest you can ask him if he'd try to stop for your sake. I can imagine it's not polite to stare so much in either case.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): Well, what can I say. I was with my bf for 4 years, on the whole I thought we had a great relationship, but he had a wandering eye which always bothered me. I finally snapped and told him a few months ago that he was an intelligent guy, this was the only thing we argued about, it hurt me and affected our relationship so could he please stop, or if he couldn't, then make sure that I didn't notice who he was eyeing up. I then thought our relationship was perfect, I was so happy at this effort that I figured he must love me. Then, two weeks ago, he became depressed and withdrawn. He wouldn't communicate with me. And now he has left. He said he feared intimicy and didn't want to settle down. Even though we had been together for 4 years (living together), so if that wasn't settled, I don't know what is!! So, hindsight is a great thing. All along, I think he was trying to convey a subliminal message to me, by eyeing up other women, that he wasn't, and never could be, fully committed to me. I have seen men that don't appear to eye up women, and I've seen men who do. The men that do, I think, objectify women, for whatever reason, and because of this, they are not settled in their relationship with their partner. How could they be? In fact, if I see a man eye me up when he is with a partner (normally a supermarket), then I personally think what a scumbag. I have no ego to feed in terms of wanting adulation from the opposite sex, especially when I am with a partner. So, I am sure my message won't give you any comfort, but it is my reality right now. Funnily enough, I am almost relieved that I don't have to feel like shit anymore, because that is what his eying up women made me feel like.
Good luck and I hope you sort things out x
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A
male
reader, themonkey39  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Seema, this is common with all guys. You're sister probably doesn't realise it, but her husband will do the same just maybe more discreetly.
It's a basic animal instict, if he really loves you, he won't do anything else but look.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Seema, perhaps if you tell your husband that you understand that men like to look, but that looking again and continuing to look makes him less of a gentleman and eats away at your love for him. Tell him it makes you sad and unhappy when he looks too often or too long.
If it is really bothering you, can you simply remove yourself from the situation, and leave wherever you are and go home? If you do that often enough, he may get the message that looking too much is going to wind up with you completely ignoring him. Don't be angry, don't be upset, just remove yourself from the situation that is bothering you.
Men like to look, this is natural. They just have to manage not to be rude to the woman they are with, and your husband just needs you to guide him a little in this area.
If he understands that you understand his initial look is okay, but the second, third and fourth are rude and unkind to you, he should stop.
Your alternative, which I don't think is acceptable in your culture, but I don't know for sure, is to give him a taste of his own medicine. That is to say, let him see what it is like to have his wife stare too long and too often at other handsome men.
Just try to be loving and gentle, yet firm in your explanation to him.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Just Diana  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 I am sorry you are experiencing this as it sounds to me asthough this issue is ruling many aspects of your social life. You need to communciate to your partner that you are feeling uncomfortable wth the degree of his roving eye. yes, it is natural and normal for a man to look, ...its even natural for a woman to look. I also look at other woman and more so if I see they are dressed revealingly. However, out of respect and adoration for you, your partner I feel needs to curb his glances. As I have said before, the first glace is free, the 2nd will cost on some level! The 2nd or 3rd glance I understand is coming at a cost to you.....and your partner needs to be sensitive to this....as overall it will cost the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): First of all, your husband's actions do not make you an insecure person. Being put off by your husband scoping women is not only natural, but appropriate.
When your partner does not change a hurtful behavior, and you choose to stay with him, the most effective recourse is to do the same thing. The results are amazing.
There are three things to do:
1. Be kind to him, 100% of the time.
2. Scope guys out just like he scopes women.
3. See yourself as Smokin' Hot, believe you are.
Just like you two, we are great friends and we get along and enjoy being together. Then one day I got sick of feeling hurt that he scopes chicks. And I realized that I'm not insecure, I am human, I want my partner to think I am the only sexy thing in the world because that's what he originally thought of me, it was what I got into the relationship for: exclusive attraction and companionship. The fact is, I was no longer the flavor of the month! So the choice became accept that he's a scoper and stay with him or leave.
Now, I scope men. I make a point of it. I do it because it keeps me from feeling helpless, it makes things equal, and it gives everyone an opportunity to appreciate the full effects of that habit. And guess what. It works.
Example: At the gym, he couldn't take his eyes off a really young attractive girl on the cardio machine. So I made a point of watching one of the Super Juicy Manly Trainers. He was so hurt. He accused me of feeling jealous of the girl he stared at. I said nothing and was pleasant. He told me how he didn't like me looking at the trainer and I nicely said, the same way he would, "What trainer?". He knew he was cornered and smiled to shake it off but you could see karma was working it's magic. The trick is I remain nice and sweet to him.
The next day, while he watched me in the bathroom he said how hot I am and how a lot of men must hit on me. I held my head high and said, "I know, oh yeah, I am, and it's true." and moments later he put his arm around me and said, "There is no one else, I am completely committed to you." I told him thanks.
I am convinced that some people must receive what they do in order to appreciate the effects of their actions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): Honey, you're going to have to communicate with your husband. It is, as you have said, natural for man to have a wondering eye but it is indecent for a "married" man (your husband, in particular) to be looking at other women when the person he is supposed to pay attention at is you!
Don't get me wrong, I don't want you to go crazy on him but a little honest talk won't hurt. If he doesn't get it, why don't you look at other men and make crude comments about them just to prove a point? See if he likes that.
I hope you resolve this problem soon dear.
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