A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi - I wonder if anyone could help. My mother recently told me that she got very hurt in her teens (she is now 62) because she found out her mother (my grandmother who is no longer alive) had an affair. Her father never found out and she never told her Mum she knew. She found this out by spying. Ever since me and my sister were little my mother told us we must never ever tell lies and that god would pay us back if we did. She was extremely strict with us over boyfriends telling us that really we should only have sex with the person we marry. My sister is a compulsive liar now and I simply bottle things up. I have always felt guilty around being sexy or dressing sexily as my mother on the one hand says I don't make the most of myself but comments with things like "careful or you might attract someone" when I make even a mediocre effort. She says this in the context of my life which is having been married to someone from a young age who does not make me happy - I feel very trapped. I have issues with wearing things that make me feel good and wearing make-up. I separated from my husband for a while and tried to get some happiness but my mother punished me by the silent treatment when I went to see her and also making comments to make me feel dirty (for example a car was parked on my drive and rather than call in she said "well I didn't know who you'd got in there"). In the end I have relented and gone back to my husband and feel so dejected as I've lost the strength - the situation is stable but numb. My mother seems happier but I feel like in the main I've never had the proper support and it all feels false. I have tried to tell my mother there is a link between what happened to her and how she has been with me (us) but I think it is too late for her to change. I am shocked at how much I have let myself be influenced by my mother but would be so grateful for any advice as to how I can get the shackles off me and break out of this cycle I have of guilt and pleasing my mother.
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affair, grandmother, liar, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ask_HanBan +, writes (11 August 2007):
 Your a grown women who still follows what mum says,
stand up to her! be strong
A
male
reader, DJ8433  +, writes (11 August 2007):
 You're right, you're mother will never change and has issues that she won't ever get over. Accept it. Why are you trying to change your mother? You can only change yourself. Once you accept her for who she is, then you can move on with the relationship. Once you accept yourself for who you are, then you can move on with your life as well. Separate the issues. Two different people, two different lives. You've taken the first step by recognizing the problems and looking for answers,. Now start to take your life back back and be in control of yourself and your emotions. Its taken time to build these walls up, it will take time to break them down. Don't expect results in a week, and don't lose site of your objective. Happiness!
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (11 August 2007):
 I totally agree with you, your mother's behaviour IS because of what she found out when she was younger and this has affected her whole life (sadly) and you and your sisters. Now that you know that you shouldn't take what your mum says so personally, just tell yourself she can't help being the way she is. You are a grown woman and you have your own mind now and you need to do what YOU think is right for yourself. The main thing is not to let it upset you when she vents off, keep telling yourself it's because of her past and use your own intuition and common sense to guide you.
If you want to talk some more about this or about your marriage the feel free to email me and we'll delve into it some more in order for me to give you the help and guidance you seek.
Eve
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): This is the kind of problem which may be beyond the scope of a short blurb of advice.
Your mother (for various reasons) has impressed a very rigid moral rectitude on you, to the point where it ceases to be a moral compass and becomes a cage. While it seems you've bent over backwards to please her, you don't put the same effort into doing the same for yourself. At this stage in your life, your own needs should rank higher.
You can dress up if you want. In fact, if infidelity is your mother's biggest concern in that vein, it isn't even a problem because even if you "attract someone" you aren't obliged to sleep with them. There's a difference between showing off and soliciting people. You can put that in gentle terms if your mother objects.
What's far more distressing is the unhappy state of your marriage. Taking someone back for the sake of pleasing a parent is a poor reason. Hard though it may be, you must imagine how you would act if your mother were not part of the equation. Imagine if a friend had been in your same situation, and was considering going back to a husband similar to your own. Considering only that friend's individual needs, would you have advised her to do it? Barring consideration of some third party's interests (a mother, for instance), is there anything worth salvaging in that friend's relationship? Was it good in the past? Could it be repaired with some outside help?
Thinking in hypothetical terms like this may help give you that removed perspective you need. We are often far more sympathetic to our friends than to ourselves. If you practice this often enough it will become second-nature, and you'll be able to look after your own needs better.
I hope you and your mother can continue to be close, and what I suggest isn't meant to impinge upon that; but hers isn't the only opinion that matters anymore. You need to balance it out with your own.
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A
female
reader, Briana969  +, writes (11 August 2007):
I think you have made a good start by realizing whats been happening to you and that you need to break the cycle. The question you really need to ask is, are you going to stick to your guns and put your foot down? Your mother seems to have been deeply scarred by her own mother's deceitfulness and is subconcoiusly punishihng you. It seems that you trying to tell her, hasn't changed anything, its up to her to seek help.My advice is to ignore what your mother tells or says to you, perhaps break contact with her if neccesary. Be yourself and take action without caring what she thinks. Its her problem not yours, shes an adult and can sort herself out. Take control of your own life, dont let her live it for you
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