A
female
age
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*atflap1
writes:My Dad is 75 and has not made a will. How can I speak to him about this? He goes all weazilly when I mention it, but I feel really sad. I know that if he dies without one not only will his kids be left broken hearted but we will have a hell of a mess to sort out and a lot of money will go to the tax man. I don't care what he does with his money but I am afraid that it will put mine and my siblings under stress and I don't want out relationships threatened. I know he can't contemplate his own end easily, it is a block that he has. He still saves even though he is almost a millionaire in assets. He is saving for the government as far as I am concerned. he has said it will all go to Mum but he hasn't put anything in place to raise their inheritance tax threshold and I know that such devices exist. He has not thought what would happen if they died together or close together which often happens. I am feeling angry about it having just done my own to protect my child. I would not have it any other way, so how come he does not want to protect his loved ones. Heavy question! I think he confuses my worry with thinking I want his money or want him dead. Horribe!
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reader, Catflap1 +, writes (8 November 2010):
Catflap1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell the main trouble is that he is a sculptor with a big reputation and international acclaim. What I am afraid will happen (I have been told this) is that even though he has not sold quite a lot of the collection we will still have to pay death duties on the value of it. That could potentially bankrupt us - so it is not quite as simple as it first seems - the anonymous person who replied could not have known that I realise - but it shows how dangerous not doing it could be for us kids. That is why I am so annoyed with him. Thanks for all your comments.
A
female
reader, Natalie:) +, writes (3 November 2010):
 Tell him it's unfair to leave the stress to you all as well as the grief.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): I don't understand how it will put a major strain on your family unless you all clamour for his assets as soon as he dies.
The mess left behind will be sorted out by a lawyer, all outstanding debts, bills etc. will be paid off out of his money. So that side of things is sorted.
The rest of his assets will be divided among his next of kin equally.
If the man doesn't want to talk about how much money he's going to give you after he dies then you should leave him alone. It's his money, he earned it and if he wants to ensure you get some of it he'll do it himself. Asking an old man to face death because you want to get his cash is not nice.
I think it's very unfair of you to try and pressure him into making a will. If and when I am older and need to make one I will, but if I decided I didn't want to or was being pressured into making one I would make one solely with the aim of cutting that person out. Perhaps he's like me, perhaps he sees you trying to grab his money before he's even dead and buried.
My grandfather didn't make a will either, he had a nice bit of money and he had a good few children to divide it up between. There was no mess, they hired a lawyer to divide up his assets all his debts and bills were paid off, they agreed to give his house to the youngest sibling. They all received a nice little lump sum. Frankly though in my family money isn't important, we earn our own money. He earned his and no one in our family would have ever dared to tell him what to do with it, especially after his death. We were more interested in enjoying what time we had left with him and making sure he had absolutely no worries, stress or pressure in his life.
The last thing anyone in our family would ever do is disrespect him by trying to pressure him into making sure we got his money. We wouldn't care if he'd given it all to charity, we certainly wouldn't have hired lawyers to try and force him to do it. Where's the loyalty there?
His only job in life was to raise my mother and her siblings. He had done that job well and when that job was done he owed us no more financial support but freely offered any we might need while he was alive. If we turned around and tried to force him to make getting his money easier for us after he died he would have went and made sure none of us got it. He would have given it to a more deserving cause.
Leave the man alone, you will get his money when he dies try and show some loyalty to him while he's alive. Having his kids come and try milk it out of him could be insulting to him. Basically you're saying "you're going to die soon old man, get your money sorted so we can get our hands on it easily, thanks for raising us but hurry up and die already"
He gave you 40-50 years of his time, effort, love and money. Let him see out the last of his days in peace. So you have might have to deal with a few months of paperwork and stuff, it's a small price to pay to know you didn't bring unneeded stress and pressure into your old mans life.
FYI: I do believe that making wills is a good idea, it does make a lot of sense and gives security. But I'm opposed to the idea of forcing someone else to see it that way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): Having the same sort of problem with a relative here. She doesnt want to talk or plan for things either. Shes 90 now! He really needs to make a proper will, not leave it all for your mother to sort out once hes gone. Talk to a proper financial adviser. Get all the facts and then confront your father. Explain from the get go that you dont give a hoot if he leaves you anything or not. But he must make arrangements. You dont know which parent will pass first. Both of them need to sort things out now and make wills. Get your mother onboard and both have a no nonsense chat with him.
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (3 November 2010):
 You need to see a lawyer. If he is becoming unable to take care of himself or loosing the ability to communicate you can be granted "power of attorney" for special cases like these, where the next of kin will have the legal ability to write his will and make decisions on his behalf. Go see a lawyer and they will advise you of the process. They will test him thoroughly before giving you that power.
If you don't do it right now it will become alot harder and his assets could be given to the state.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): i am sure he does think you are after his money. Have you other siblings also each been pressuring him about his will? Often the one doing the most pressuring is the most grasping avaricious member of the family. If your father is well off then no doubt his solicitor has already raised making a Will with him. He may even have a Will, held safely by his solicitor. If he has a range of investments then his financial advisor may have already put tax structures in place, and suggested a Will. Many Banks have an area where they store a clients docments for them, at the Bank. Such documents often include a Will. Heaven forbid, but his children may not even be getting anything from his Will. His wife is alive. Is anyone pressuring his wife to make a Will? Or is she the second wife, and the children from the first wife are hoping to not be left out of the Will? Why not raise the subject in front of the whole family? Hold a family dinner. Bring it out into the open, in front of his wife and all his children, so that the discussion is open and not conducted in secret? The law in who shares under intestacy is quite clear in your country. So even if your father dies intestate his wife and children are the only benediciaries under intestacy. And as the UK has a Unitary system of government (not a Federal system like USA) that means that the same law on Intestacy applies over the whole of England. Now i said only your father's wife and all his children share in his intestate estate. But, With one proviso, which is if any of your siblings die before their father (or mother if she passes away before your father), then the share that would have gone to your sibling would then go to the children of that deceased sibling. by the way elderly people often have bigger expenses towards the end of their lives, more medical bills, need for equipment they never needed before. And the cost of getting people in to do jobs at home that previously did themselves. Children also often pressure for a Will because they hope to discover the true value of the assets. And that some children actively try to swindle all their siblings out of sharing in the assets of their parent? It is a nasty grey area. We often forget that anyone with capacity (which means they have alk their marbles, still) can deal with their money anyway they think is OK. And that even very old people have more wisdom and smarts and are better able to handle money than younger members of the family. I know it's inconvenient if he fails to leave a Will. But it's not illegal to fail to make a Will.
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female
reader, sophiejayne +, writes (3 November 2010):
I think the way to get to your father is through your mother. Sometimes fathers can think of their childrens ideas as irrelevant and so will just ignore them, or he might not like the idea of his daughter talking about him dying. I think by sitting down with your mother and telling her exactly how you feel, you might be able to get some sence into your dad. He may be feeling abit funny about making a will right now because he might think that it's bad luck, my granda was the same way. By you telling your mother, she will then realise that it has to be spoken about and wil pass the message onto your father and hopefully fingers crossed, your father will listen.
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (3 November 2010):
 talk to your mum and get her to persuade him to not throw his money down the drain. she probably wont make him as distant and will have more sway. get her to ask him why if his money is going to her can he not put it in writing. i'm sorry to say this but his behaviour is stupid, because ignoring problems doesn't mean they go away, everyone has to die and it could happen to any of us at any point but the way he is avoiding it is going to put a major strain on your family, get your mum to explain this to him as you clearly are not someone he wants to listen to. some people can be very ignorant.
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