A
female
age
41-50,
*elly Swarts
writes:I am the mother of three teenaged boys and also have a recently divorced sister with two teenaged girls. There has always been frequent contact between our families, and my boys have always been regular visitors to my sister.A while ago, my two younger sons informed me that they suspect their older brother of having an affair with his aunt. I confronted both my sister and son about the allegations, but both denied any wrongdoing.After this, I forbid my children from visiting their aunt again, but have then discovered that the eldest still visits his aunt, which seem to lend credence to the story of them having an affair.About a week ago, I learnt that my sister is pregnant, and I am afraid that my son might be the father of my sister’s unborn baby.Whether my son has fathered my sister’s baby or not, I feel that I need to find a way of seperating the two of them.What should I do?
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male
reader, Realationship Guru  +, writes (5 October 2009):
Well, if you suspect that your son is having an affair with his aunt you should talk to your son about it. Now, whether this will help or not it never hurts to try. If you feel that your son is the father of your sister's unborn baby, then you should ask your sister to allow a DNA test to be performed. If she refuses it gives you more reason to suspect this. If she refuses or if you do find that the baby is fathered by your son, then although your son should have the right to see his baby regardless of the mother, you should try to keep physical communications between the two to a minimum. Hope this helps. Good luck!:)
A
female
reader, starismine1 +, writes (7 September 2008):
 It is your fear of hurting people that is enabling this situation to exist. At some level, you seem very accepting of it all. Perhaps you have experienced incest yourself? I would definitely get counseling with your minister at the very least, if you feel emotionally unable to take any other steps to sort out these issues.
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A
female
reader, Nelly Swarts +, writes (6 September 2008):
Nelly Swarts is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all the very good advice I've received so far. To answer some of the questions asked: My son is seventeen-years-old and my sister is thirty-one. My nieces are fourteen and twelve-years-old. I have considered approaching our Church minister about my fears, but am too ashamed to go outside of the family with this. I am also aware of the hurt I can cause to my son, sister and her children if I were to go to the authorities. And then there is my sister's unborn child to consider, a child that may be my own grandchild.
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A
female
reader, starismine1 +, writes (6 September 2008):
just one more thing to add..go by your gut feelings about this, and your other sons intuitions or what they 've seen or sensed, and do not put much credence on your nieces comments, since they may be emotionally brainwashed by their mother to stay silent. Keep pursuing the truth. I'm sorry to hear about both husbands being uninterested, but it doesn't surprise me, because it is due to their disinterest in your son's life that he is needy enough to cling to your sister's attention. So, find another male figure to help you, they do exist, go to the church, go to family services, go to your dad, find someone and go to that attorney.
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A
female
reader, starismine1 +, writes (6 September 2008):
Where is your husband - the father of your son in all this? I would go to him and have him straighten your son out. You are very emotionally invested in this, being that you love both your son and sister, and you may be dead on right about what's going on, but emotionally unequipped to deal with it. I would involve your father, your son's father and as many male figures as possible to intervene for you, teacher, religious priest, etc. as many male role models as possible who can talk some sense into your son. It is your responsibility as his mother to get through to him by asking other influential people in his life to help you. And I would cut the ties with your sister until all this is sorted out. Lead by example, if you want your son to stay away from her, you have to have nothing more to do with her for the time being either, to show him how serious this is. Once you get to the bottom of it and discover the truth, even if the truth is just that they like to hang out and flirt alot, that is still inappropriate behavior on her part but perhaps forgivable. Only you can decide that. You must face your own emotional pain of having a sister who isn't honoring your needs as a sister and possibly abusing your son. Tell her that if she is doing anything inappropriate with him, and explain to her what you consider inappropriate, not only sex or physical intimacy of any kind, but including flirtation, and any attention that appeals to his need to feel desired as a man, you will no longer have anything to do with her. It is your responsibility to set proper boundaries in life with your son, and to show him that when someone acts in a way that is emotionally and physically destructive, possibly abusive and molesting (yes she is abusing and molesting him if he is a minor), and incestual since you they are relatives, then you will and must cut the ties with her. Your children must learn from you in life. Also, I would talk in depth with your other sons about the kind of behavior they have witnessed that makes them think inappropriate things are going on. What have they seen and sensed? Find out all the facts. It is your right as a mother.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2008): How old is your son, and how old is your sister? A woman's intuition is usually right, so I think you are probably right that they are having a secret sexual relationship with each other. If you can afford it, hire a private investigator to follow your son and sister and use electronic eavesdropping devices to determine if they are having sex with each other when he visits. Depending on his age, this might be illegal, and you may be able to stop the affair by threatening to go the police with it, and have your sister prosecuted for having sex with a minor. That might scare her enough to stop the affair, if indeed it is happening.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2008): You have a hunch (a good one I might add, because I'd suspect as you do). Nothing more.
Until you have absolute proof that anything is now, or has ever been, going on between them all you are doing is driving a wedge between the three of you.
So while hunches can lead to good things, they most often lead one to jump to conclusions and often the wrong ones.
Its just as possible he has struck up a friendship, a deeper friendship than they expected, with each other. And there is zilch wrong with that.
And banning something has never stopped anyone before so it won't now.
One thing is for sure... if you are sure about this hunch you will need to find proof to prove or disprove it. For your own sanity at the very least.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, Nelly Swarts +, writes (6 September 2008):
Nelly Swarts is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've wracked my brain trying to come up with alternatives as to why my sister and son are spending so much time together - I really did, but could not come up with one.
I've asked my nieces if my son is spending time with them, both say no. To me, all this adds up to only one thing.
Sadly, both my and my sister's ex husbands to not want to get involved. When my sister's husband filed for divorce, he accused my sister of being involved with someone else. I'm now starting to wander if this other person wasn't my son.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2008): Just a thought -
Have you considered the possibility that your son and your sister are telling the truth, and that it's possible that the person he's visiting could be one of his female cousins? If that's the case, there's not much wrong with it - dependent on their ages of course.
What was it that caused your two youngest to suspect something was going on? Did they catch them in a clinch or something?
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A
female
reader, Nelly Swarts +, writes (6 September 2008):
Nelly Swarts is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked to both my son and sister about this situation, explaining the dangers they are courting. Both deny any wrongdoing. My sister is the mother of two teenaged daughters, and should know full well how I feel about all this.
I wouldn't like to hurt my sister - and most definitely not my son - by reporting them. I feel so helpless. I also have the feeling that the more I try to seperate them, the closer the two of them will become.
If only I knew whether my son is the father or not. I just know that they are not being truthful to me.
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A
female
reader, abbeymom  +, writes (6 September 2008):
 Play on your sister and not your son. What I mean by this is the more you try to separate him from her the more it will only drive him to her. Talk to her. Tell her your fears. Explain to her that if this did happen how wrong it is. That you need to know. Tell her she is going to be mother, she will understand what it feels like to know your child is doing something he shouldn't. Ask her to respect your feelings and your decision to not see your son anymore and to tell you the truth.
Finally if none of that works. If your son is under age then report her to social services and the police for taking advantage of a minor. You need to protect your teenage son and that means helping him realize he is throwing his life away if he's done this, whether he realizes it or not.
Hope this helps some
~Abbeymom
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