A
female
age
41-50,
*ouloubell
writes:Dear Cupid,I have been in a relationship for 7 years, we have a two year old daughter, I also have a son from a previous relationship. I recently discovered my partner has been cheating. I'm unsure of the full extent and when confronted he absolutely denies full sexual activity, although I know kissing was involved. Naturally I am very hurt, however, now he is consumed with guilt and I am unsure of how long I keep my distance and ignore his attempts to repair the damage. I so want this to work yet I don't want him to feel he can treat me in this way and waltz straight back into my heart. He makes me laugh and is soooo charming, sometimes this makes me happy and momments later it makes me sick. not sure what to do...????
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female
reader, LALA31  +, writes (4 December 2008):
I am in the same situation.Although i was not very happy with are relationship atleast for the past 3 years. He has pride issues or atitude and rarely put my needs first. I was not the best wife although it was hard to be, being that are respect for one another was gone. Besides the cheating how would you rate your relationship? and how does he treat your child that is not his? It sucks being in this postion because your descion effects so many people.
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (2 December 2008):
 I'm very sorry to hear that this has happened to you however, if you take some of the earlier advice and use this as a way to get one up on him, to hold power over him, to force him to constantly be the guilty party or to emasculate himself with apologies then there are only 3 possible outcomes: he will cheat for real next time; he will leave you or you will be in a relationship with a mouse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): At the moment you are hurt but clearly your strength and anger (feeling sick later etc) is coming to the fore. My best friends husband cheated on her - and not in a million years would I have thought he would. They had known each other for years. He cheated soon after their second child was born. I have never seen someone disintegrate so quickly when she found out but today they have their third child and are much happier.... BUT I know she will never quite trust him AND since this time she has spoken often about 'getting her own back' and has been close to an affair herself. I have seen women getting their strength back and then and only then deciding what to do. My advice is.... he owes you big time. Gain control. You call the shots for a bit. You go out with the girls and he stays in to babysit. Go dancing (Salsa?) and make regular appointments for yourself. He needs to realise you are a beautiful woman in your own right and he is weak and cowardly for this bull he is giving you and it is YOUR choice whether you stay or go. Once you assert yourself he will become concerned and this may make him open up. When you are feeling strong and in control then decide what to do - not yet. Keep in a holding position but concentrate on yourself 100%. This is your perfect opportunity to show him just what an idiot he has been
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): I feel so sorry for you, it is one of the most horrible things to be cheated on, you are never quite sure if you are being told the truth, you have to get the whole truth no matter how much it hurts in order to decide if you want to go on, if you dont then it will eat you up, my husband cheated on me, he denies also having full on sex but says that this other woman would give him blowjobs and that he couldn't resist the feeling that she was doing everything too and for him,I still have doubts that they weren't having intercourse but I do believe that I will find out the truth one day soon as I am going to make a point of cornering this woman and getting her side off the story, I think you should approach this woman let her know that you know what has been happening and find out her side of things at least that way you will be at least able to find out everything that went on not just his side. Then you can decide if you can forgive him for what he has done and if it is worth sorting things out and why he betrayed you. Make sure that he makes things better, he has done wrong its up to him to make you trust him again, it will take time but once you get to the truth and can settle your own mind then let him do all the work, he has a lot of making up to do, he needs to be open honest, take the blame, allow you to sort yourself out and take as much time as you need, you deserve to be made to feel like you are the only woman in his world, that is what will help you heal and trust again. Tenderness for you at this time x
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A
female
reader, Serenity1 +, writes (2 December 2008):
 I would say give him 2wks-1month of time not living together just to show him that his behavior is unacceptable...now this is what i would do but im a softy sometime. maybe you should discuss marriage upon him coming back...and see what his reaction is...i mean if you two have been together for seven yrs what is the hold up?...if you want him back take him back...
most people on here will probably tell you once a cheater always a cheater but you have to do what's best for you and what you think is best for you and your family...if you love him and are in love with him take him back...but make sure he puts effort towards coming back...this is really the key...you two need to sit and do some talking about what was missing in the relationship that caused him to wonder...if anything...
Best Wishes
TF
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A
female
reader, kerry-anne +, writes (2 December 2008):
The first thing you need to do is sit down together in a calm enviroment. If you have someone who will take the children for an afternoon even better. Make sure your in a state of calm. Talk about the affair rationally. Its important that rather than avoiding the whole situation and trying to pretend it didn't happen, to talk things through as soon as you feel ready to- else you'll find that when you do finally talk about it, it will be worse. The less you know about a situation the more likely it is to be worse in your head. So confront him. Make him aware of how he has made you feel and that you don't want him to take advantage of the fact you are willing to stay with him. Set boundaries so he knows that if he dares do it again, he wont get away with it.
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A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (2 December 2008):
 Without getting into his personality, your love for him, and my personal experience, my advice is to leave him. You will probably not be able to trust him and will accuse him even when he's not doing anything. There's no way to know that he won't do it again. He may be truly sorry and not want to hurt you like this again. Only he knows that for sure. You can't even know that.
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