A
female
age
36-40,
*lenea
writes:I apologize in advance if this gets long. I have a feeling I may start to vent.I've had bad relationships in the past. I seem to keep going after the same people, though, I don't realize it until it's months in and their true selves start shining through. I had a terrible abusive marriage, though luckily none past that have been that bad.Anyways... the guy I am dating now. He started out with promises of not being the jealous type, not the kind of guy that will keep me from spending the occasional night out with the girls and being what I hoped he would stay.When we first started dating he was in college, had a job and went out and did things with me. Slowly as we went through this relationship I started noticing his temper. It started with a slight disagreement. He accused me of starting some huge argument with him, came to my home and dropped off my tent that we were planning on using for the ren fest the coming weekend and was about to leave off in a huff. I stopped him and we sat in silence while he was fuming about who knows what. Then he started crying and telling me about how his parents had yelled at him. (We are talking about a 25 yr old man here)That was just the beginning. Things have gotten progressively worse over the 6 months we've been together. An old friend that I worked with 5-6 years ago that I haven't gotten to hang out with very much in the past couple of years asked if my boyfriend and I would like to go out for sushi. Well, my boyfriend hating all things seafood, refused to go even though they had things there that he would eat. So I asked if it was ok if I went. He said he didn't mind.I went that night with my friend and we caught up and had an enjoyable dinner. Afterward I decided to drop by an entertainment center that I used to work at to say hi and play a few games. I was there maybe an extra hour before I headed back to meet with my boyfriend. I called him as I was driving to his house and he was very short with me on the phone and I knew something was wrong.When I met up with him, he wouldn't talk to me. He sat off to the side just radiating anger. When he finally spoke he started yelling at me about how I had cheated on him, how he couldn't bear to touch me because he knew I had cheated on him because I took too long.Now I assure you I could never bring myself to cheat on anybody. It was an outrageous assumption and I've never been accused of such a thing in my life.He calmed after about an hour of me cowering in front of him trying to explain that no, I hadn't cheated, and apologizing for taking so long.He then brought up of his past history with depression and suicide attempts. How every girlfriend he's ever had has cheated on him. He caught his ex-fiance in bed with two other guys. His parents aren't fair because they want him to get a real job and move out. How he's the least favorite of his brothers.Another instance of this behavior came after I spent a day out with my two best friends that we had been planning for months. We went to a play, to dinner, went to play some pool and talk over a few drinks. But because I didn't call or text my boyfriend while we were out enjoying ourselves and letting him know exactly where I was and what I was doing, he was furious. Told me that he was thinking of breaking up with me. We didn't even see each other for 3 days because he refused. But stupid me, I still tried to mend the break and I stayed with him.Another girls night out for my friends birthday brought new troubles. I figured if I spent the day with him before hand, texted him when I arrived and before we left it would all be good. This time though he was mad before I had even stepped foot out the door. He wouldn't tell me why though and we didn't do anything while I was there. After I left he called me crying about how I never invited him out when my friends asked me to go out. He felt left out. He told me not to go to my friends birthday because I hadn't invited him, even though he knew that it was just going to be a few girls. He's either always refused my invites or it's been a girls thing. Now he's crying (literally) because even though we spend almost ever day together at his house or mine doing a whole bunch of nothing, he can't stand me going to have fun maybe once a month.After this last thing with my friend's birthday we had a big argument (arguments have been becoming ever more frequent) after I got home. It's been about 2 weeks since then and I cannot bring myself to be aroused with him anymore. The other night he was literally throwing a fit because we hadn't done anything in the bedroom. Then he started crying because he was afraid we never would again.Then he started crying because I deserve so much better, and he's a liar, he manipulates people, his life is a web of lies, everything makes him angry, he doesn't have a job, he can't find a job, all he does is hurt me and I just deserve better. But he's never lied to me he says. He just wants to protect me. "You're the girl for me, but I'm not the guy for you." He wants to make me happy but he can't. He's broken. He just sat there crying telling me that if I left he'd understand but he didn't want me to leave.Now... maybe all of that look-at-me-and-pity-me stuff struck my too-nice-for-my-own-good nerve, but I sat there and comforted him and assured him and told him that I would stay. Then he calmed and everything went back to as if nothing had ever happened.But it's still gotten to the point where he's living in his parents' super nice guest house rent free, doesn't have a job, can't go back to school because he's exhausted all the financial aid he can get but doesn't have a degree to show for it, wants to be a video game designer but doesn't do anything but sit around and play games and watch tv. Even when he had a job that made enough money to pay his measly bills, he couldn't pay his cell phone because he spent all of his money on food and magic the gathering trading cards (which he swears to stop playing every other week or so because he loses a game to someone). He tells me that I should take him out. He wants me to drive the 30 min to his house every day and spend my gas, instead of him coming over here. He gets mad when we go a day without seeing each other. He's getting more and more clingy and needy and emotional. There are times that I look at him and wonder if this isn't what it's like to date some females. There's a point where someone is too sensitive. I can't even make a harmless joke without worrying about upsetting him sometimes.I feel trapped. I'm too nice to say "yes, you know what, you're right. I do deserve better." I can't go out and do the things that I want. My feelings toward him are becoming more and more numb. He doesn't make me happy. He makes me cry. He doesn't please me. He worries more about himself. I'm not saying that a relationship should be one sided towards me, but apparently he feels it should be for him.All of his crying is just for attention. And the sad thing is that it works on me. Even when: they tell me that I'm the greatest thing they've ever had and that they've never loved someone so much before or that me leaving would devastate them, I can't help but try to comfort them and stay with them.It took me two years to get out of something much worse with my marriage. Now it's happening all over again. I just want to know how do I become stronger? Or are my perceptions of this relationship wrong? Should I try to heal it as I have been trying? Is it possible to heal someone who won't give me their trust and who I'm not sure wants to be healed? Should I break it off, wish him the best and move on to try to find someone better? And if so... how to I rake up the courage to do that?
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best friend, his ex, jealous, liar, money, move on, text, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Call your local United Way office or the Mental Health Association and ask for a list of therapists who work on a sliding scale based on what you can afford. Start calling the list and asking them what their experience is in helping people who are coming out of relationships with Personality disordered people, particularly Cluster B disorders, they will know what you are talking about.Meet with the therapist and if you get the feeling that they care about you and you like them, then proceed. There is no reason not to get help just because you don't have health insurance. There are programs out there to fit every need.
A
female
reader, Elenea +, writes (13 February 2011):
Elenea is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your answers and support.
My first serious relationship lead into my marriage. He went into the military and I thought I was so in love. We married secretly as soon as I turned 18. I moved to where he was stationed about 6 or 7 months after that. It took me two years and 4 times having all my stuff packed up to even leave then, but of course the first few attempts I had no way to leave that moment. I only left after my best friend and his dad drove out there with his truck and loaded everything up and took me home right then. So maybe having the friend support it was helped me.
I was depressed for a long time after that. Not because I left but what I had gone through. Though I've gotten better about it, I still have some bitter feelings about some things, and my boyfriend has some of the same mannerisms as my ex-husband did. That scares me a bit, and it brings up all sorts of horrible memories.
I've been wanting to seek therapy to work through some issues I know that I have, I just don't have insurance and have had a hard time finding somewhere I can afford.
The terrible thing is that I know that this is wrong, I know what I'm doing wrong and how to resolve the issue on my part but I still sit back and let things happen as they are as if my mind's logic doesn't control my body.
I really appreciate everyone's advice and support as I go through this. Thank you so much.
I will definitely check out any books or sites recommended.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (13 February 2011):
I am not a psychologist, that said I do have a degree in it, and I have personal experience with just this type of problem person and have studied a lot about personality disorders. In fact most psychologists who got their degrees more than 10 years ago, never studied personality disorders, a lot wasn't really known about them, they are considered uncurable with treatment or medication, so they just had a chapter or two and that was it. In the last 10 years or so much more neuro psychological research has been conducted and it has been proven that there are brain differences in certain types of personality disordered individuals which proves how permanent they are.But let me get to your guy. If I were a betting woman, I would say he suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, it is the most common and it affects men just the same as women (it used to be thought that more women were Borderline than men)...He is exhibiting all the red flag behaviors of a Borderline Male.You have to end this relationship and have absolutely no more contact with him. However, you need to be careful how you do that as breaking up with a Borderline can be very dangerous, and they often threaten suicide or become violent. Most Batterers and men who murder their wives are Borderline (not all borderlines are violent) and your guy sounds pretty dangerous to me.The best way to do it is to make it short and sweet and about you, not about him. You must say that you are depressed or have to go take care of an ill relative and you just can't see him at all anymore and that it would be too painful to remain friends. Ask him to stop contacting you, texting you, phoning you, coming over to your house unannounced, etc. If he doesn't get a restraining order. More than likely after you are gone he will find another target and move on.I want you to read through this question I answered for some links.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-hot-then-cold-hes-jekyll-then-hyde.htmlYou say you keep picking the same type of guy, this is because you have been exposed to this type of pathology and it feels normal to you, you are missing the red flags of behavior before you get too involved. There is a book How to Spot a Dangerous Man" by Sandra Brown, buy it, or find it at your library.Get into some therapy with a therapist who is familiar with AXIS II Cluster B Personality Disorders and treating the victims of relationships with this type....you need some help with changing your pattern of selection. I strongly recommend that you do this now before you waste years of your life. You are so fortuneate to be young and be born in a time when there is so much help available unlike generations past. Take advantage of that help and change your life. It is up to no one else but you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): Honestly, the fact that you even posted this post tells me that your mind is made up. You're fully aware that you're unhappy and that your relationship is unhealthy. All of that just tells me that you don't want to be in it anymore. I agree with CindyCares when she says your job is not to "fix" him, because it isn't. Relationships are for two people to grow together and become better people with each other's help. However, he's clearly too reliant on you when he isn't even bothering to work on himself. Moreover, it's not your job alone to heal your relationship. From what I've read, he's got himself a nice little routine. Unfortunately, that routine is an unhealthy one and he seems to be oblivious of that. If he's not even aware or wlling to participate in mending your relationship, there is nothing you can do. Breaking it off with him isn't about courage, it's about self-preservation. I, someone who grew up in a dysfunctional, broken home, knows what it's like to be a prat of something unhealthy, and the smartest thing I did was leave the first chance I got. Otherwise, I'd be worse off, guaranteed. So you see, staying in an healthy relationship with someone who is as broken as you have described, will eventually and inevitably, break you. Take care of yourself and do what's right for you. Good luck, sweetheart.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 " Par delicatesse J'ai perdue ma vie ". It's a verse by the French poet Arthur Rimbaud and more or less it means :
Out of sensitivity - I have lost my life ". It's a very sad verse, don't you think ? Do you want to have to write the same ,some day ?
I think you know you've got yourself a problem, not a boyfriend. The funny thing is that it's not even your problem, maybe it's his mom's problem,or his shrink's problem, surely not yours. It's not your job to " fix " him and make him an emotionally healthy, functional adult.
I am surprised that you still want to do that ,too.
Unluckily many women have this Florence Nightingale complex to "heal " their loser boyfriends and they get stuck into bad relationships ,since they are in love ( and being in love is supposed to justify the worst crimes against your own dignity and integrity )
But you are not even in love. He does not turn you on, he does not nurture you , he does not please or interest or attract you. He just cries. And mooches.
So you stay with him because " you are too nice ". Well, I guess you have a lot of work to do on your self esteem ;
I can advise you several good books about the subject if you wish, or even better you could explore your issues with a counselor. But all this would take time, instead you have to act now. Don't waste any more time on this losing proposition.
So, what to do in practice ? I am seriously tempted, against all my principles, to do what most men do when they don't want to face tears , screams and desperation- they take the coward way out and- just vanish, without as much as a "thanks for your trouble ".
But, no- I can't really advice you to do that. You'll have to just get into your head that this is a codependency, not a relationship. It's like an addiction, so you'll have to kick it for your own good, same as if it were quitting smoking . Something uncomfortable , but that needs to be done.
The only thing I can suggest you to make it easier if when you go to him for dumping him, you bring a friend who'll wait for you outside in the car ( Like a getaway :) It may be a psychological deterrent to this crybaby to not try drag things on pointlessly and not to exceed with tearful scenes.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (13 February 2011):
This sounds to me to be a very unhealthy relationship (again, as you have pointed out). You strike me as a rescuer; that is, you boost your self-esteem by trying to rescue people who pay you back by making your life miserable. I'm not a psychologist, but I can guess that there are some pretty deep underlying reasons for all of this that can be traced back to when you were a child. But, you are aware enough to recognize the pattern you are following (some people never recognize it). And, you sound like you want to change. This is your life. You don't need to become somebody's emotional punching bag to have self-worth. You have innate self-worth. The first thing you need to do is get out of this relationship. It will only drag you down. You've been in these rough relationships before and left. How did you manage to leave those? Do the same here. The next thing you should do is go and talk to a professional who can help you with figuring out why you are attracted to these sorts of relationships and what you can do to avoid them. You deserve a healthy relationship that adds to your life. Relationships that detract from your life are not worth having. Good luck to you.
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